Monday, September 27, 2010

Changing of Seasons

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope has posed a monthly writing challenge.  September's topic:  How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?

I am happy to be going through these seasonal changes right now.  Spring and Fall are my favorite times of the year.  Summer is too hot and winter is too cold.  But, Spring and Summer?  They are just right!

I love Fall...it's the start of sweater weather. The leaves change colors.  It's beautiful.  It means cooler weather.  And in true Oklahoma spirit, it means the start of football season!!!  Boomer Sooner!



Here in Oklahoma, it's been hot, up until yesterday.  On September 18th, sitting in Oklahoma Memorial Stadium for the OU vs. Air Force game, the temp was in the mid 90's.  I was sweating profusely, and felt exceptionally gross.  Yesterday, a wonderful cold front rolled though, and the high for today?  Mid 70's! 

This year though, Fall doesn't have the same meaning it always has held with me.  This Fall was supposed to be entirely different.  It was supposed to mean a brand new life...a new addition to our family.  I was looking forward to dressing Bailey up in an adorable little OU cheerleading outfit.  I was looking forward to coordinating a Halloween costume for her, Desiree, and Desmond.  I was looking foward to giving up going to 1-2 football games this year.  But, you know the old saying..."The best laid plans of mice and men...often go awry". 

Even though nothing is how it was "supposed" to be, the change of the season has been good for me.  It's a new season of hope.  I have hope that Fall this year, will be good to us, just as Fall last year was.  It was during the Fall we discovered we were pregnant with Bailey.  It was the Spring that was cruel to us and during that season, she was taken away.  But Fall, we're still on good terms...for now.  I just hope that Fall this year gives us the opportunity to make Bailey the big sister we dream of her being. 

I have made leaps and bounds in the transition from Summer to Fall.  I am feeling better.  I am genuinely laughing and smiling.  I can speak of Bailey and smile at the precious little girl we got to hold only so briefly, but who made the biggest impace on our lives.  Although, I dearly wish she were here with us, I have comfort knowing she is always watching over us.  She's got our backs.

I hope the changing of seasons has been just as good to the rest of you, as it has been to me.  In my season of hope, that's my hope for each of you.  And I hope we all have a little rainbow in the horizon.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Missing Her But Doing Okay

I haven't posted much, because I haven't had much to say.  Frustration and jealousy about got the best of me last week. 

But, even amongst all the emotions, I'm doing okay.  It's been a couple of weeks since I have had a full-out snotty nose, sobbing, meltdown.  And though I fully expect it to come back and hit me any day, I'm learning to enjoy the time that I am feeling better.

Don't get me wrong...I still miss Bailey...horribly.  But, my life has found a little bit of a "normal", or maybe I'm just doing a really good job of preoccupying myself.  I guess spending hours in front of the t.v. watching House M.D. or NCIS does a good job of keeping me preoccupied.

And I FINALLY have started reading again!  Nothing serious.  In fact, I can't bring myself to read anymore books about loss.  I can read my BLM-sister's blogs, but I can't bring myself to read a book.  So, what have I occupied my time with?  The 16th book in the Stephanie Plum series, The Help, and I just finished book 1 of the Sookie Stackhouse series.  I however, still cannot bring myself to finish Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which is what I was reading before Bailey died.  I've read the entire Harry Potter series, but wanted to re-read it.  Since everything happened, I just can't do it.

I made a big leap and bound in progress today.  A friend from work, who was due 2 weeks after I was, brought her son in so I could meet him.  He was 8-9 weeks premature, and is still so tiny!  Desmond weighs more than he does!  I held him, and just spent the time enjoying him.  Even though it reminds me of what I should have, it's completely different.  I think mainly I was okay, because he is a boy.  I'm not ready to handle the thought of holding a girl.

I'm rambling...There's really no point to my post today, but I wanted to let everyone know who is out there, and perhaps wonders where I am, don't worry, I am here, and I am okay.  If you need me, I am always just an e-mail away...it might take me forever to respond (just ask Allison), but I am here.  I am thinking of you all and all of your little ones. 

Coming soon...the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope monthly writing challenge.  I need to think on that one, but I hope to have it posted by the weekend.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Been Away

I've been on vacation from the internet for a couple of weeks.  I have been on here a very minimal amount, so I am VERY far behind on reading blogs and responding to e-mail.  I haven't been on Facebook but a few times.  I'm trying to get caught up, but it will take me a while.

I haven't been in the greatest of places.  The overwhelming sadness has taken over some days.  My brother and his wife just had their little girl, Danielle (who is adorable, by the way), but my heart isn't ready for it yet.  The evil, green, jealous monster came out in me...and that monster still hasn't completely crawled back in it's hole yet.  I have spent many days asking God what I have done that was so bad that he had to take my baby.  I know it's not logical, and I did nothing wrong, but this past week I've needed someone to blame, and in my head, the only person I can blame is me right now.

I want you all to know I think of you, your families, and your angels daily.  You all are never far from my mind and my heart.  Thank you for reading and the comments, because they always help, because I know that most people who follow know the deep, dark place I've been in...we don't like it, but we've all been there.