Fourth Birthday

Four years.  How can it be?  It's amazing to me that most days I can't tell you what I did...and most of the time I can't remember back to what I did last week.  But, four years ago today?  I remember it all.

Most women dream of the day they will meet their first baby.  Those dreams don't include infertility.  Those dreams don't include temping, charting, planning, and stress.  And those dreams most certainly never include having to say goodbye all at the same time.

With the upcoming anniversary of the May 20th tornadoes that ripped through our area last year, which took the lives of 7 children while they were at school, I was watching an interview with their parents on our local news.  They talked about how people have told them "to get over it" or similar phrases.  That struck a raw spot with me.  This isn't something you "get over".  This isn't something you forget.  No matter how old your child...when the circle of life doesn't follow the presumed order of children burying their parents, and instead things go the other way around...you never "get over it".  You learn to cope, you learn to adjust, you just learn. 

The pain doesn't go away and Bailey will always be our missing link in our family, but each year, it is more tolerable.  I think it's become more tolerable because of her two beautiful sisters.  They are the sunshine in our lives.  They truly are our rainbows after the storm. 

Bailey's birthday has become a designated and guaranteed "Family Outting Day".  No running errands, going to the grocery store, or doing chores.  It's a day for us.

Today, in celebration of Bailey's 4th birthday, as we have done every year, we took the day off from work.  We picked out flowers and drove down to my hometown to put out new flowers on her spot.  This year, Cameron helped pick out the flowers.  Although she still doesn't quite understand what we are doing, she is involved.  And as she gets older, we will continue to keep both girls involved in the memorial and celebration of this day, and we will continue to tell them about their older sister. 

It was a little too chilly this morning to get Evyn out of the car, so this year's picture has only Cameron in it.  Next year, hopefully we can get both girls out.  Our weather this year has been entirely unpredictable. 

 

 

After putting out the new flowers, we headed back to the city and decided to take the girls to the zoo.  Cameron LOVED the animals this year.  Everything she saw was "oooooh, cow!  Mooooooooo!".  She's too funny.  Evyn could have cared less (what else do you expect from a 4 1/2 month old baby?) and fell asleep about halfway through.

 

Here are some of the pictures from the day...

 

 





It was as perfect of a day as it could be.  The weather was just right and it was a wonderful day with our two girls.  The only thing that would have made it better is if all three of our girls were here with us.  But, instead, we celebrate and remember our beautiful little 1 pound 4 ounce Bailey.

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven sweet girl!  We love and miss you!

Goals for the New Year

With the new year always comes goals and resolutions.  This years goals remain very similar to goals I have had in the past...but, in a conversation that Adam was having with a co-worker (I'm calling her co-worker, even though she doesn't directly work with him), something rang true to me.  She was telling him that her girls had asked her what her New Years Resolutions were, and she told them she wasn't setting any.  When they asked why, she explained to them that she is at a point in her life that if she wants something, so just makes up her mind and goes for it.  She said she has 365 days of fresh starts that she can set a goal whenever she wants.

I've always known that to be true, and why we pick the start of the New Year to really "set" these goals is beyond me, but even still, here are my goals for this beautiful 2014...in no particular order, because these are things that will all be worked on simultaneously.

1.  Get back into the church.  One thing that Adam and I have struggled with over the years is going to church.  We go back and forth.  Part of the reason is we haven't found a church we like.  Another part is we were raised under different denominations.  He finds the denomination I was raised under as "weird" and I find his equally as weird.  I want my girls to grow up going to church, but I need to do it in a setting where it is low-key and not a lot of attention being on me.  I'm just weird like that.

2.  Weight loss (as always).  This will be the first time in years that I will be losing weight and will be doing it for me and no other reasons.  Last year I started losing weight for me and my health, and after I lost about 30 pounds...Surprise!...pregnant with Evyn.  One thing we have found is that I drop weight and we get pregnant.  That is a non-factor this time around, so I hope to be able to lose and get back to my goal weight and comfortable in my own skin again. 

3.  Getting fit.  This goes hand in hand with #2, but deserves it own thing.  I can lose weight without exercising, but I am more successful when I do exercise.  And one thing that goes with #3, is I want to participate in some 5K races, and hopefully by 2015, participate in a half-marathon, if not a full marathon.  I can do it...I know I can.  Once I get determined to do something and set my mind to it...I'm pretty unstoppable.  :)

4.  Finances.  I have mentioned Operation Pay Crap Off multiple times.  Within the next month, we will pay off our last credit card.  We intend on listing and hopefully selling our house this year.  IF we sell this year, that will lead to some HUGE changes for this little family.  It will include building a new house on our land and while that happens, we will be cramming 2 adults, a 2 year old, an infant, and a spoiled rotten dog into a little bitty apartment.  Yes...we may have lost our minds.

5.  Be a better parent.  I need to learn the art of patience.  I need to be more present. 

Lots of goals and lots of plans for this new year.  2014 is going to be a good year...and I look forward to what it has in store for us.