3 Months Sweet Girl

Dearest Bailey,

Today is your 3 month Angelversary, my precious little one.  THREE months.  One entire quarter of the year.  In three months, we have celebrated your birth, mourned your death, celebrated mommy's 27th birthday, "celebrated" mommy's 1st Mother's Day and daddy's 1st Father's Day, made it through the first 4th of July without you, and celebrated daddy's 29th birthday.  That's alot to do in 3 months, sweet girl.  But, even with all of these things to do, they still didn't feel quite right...because they were all missing you.

My sweet daughter, I am sad that I don't know what you would be doing right now if you were still with us.  IF, in the alternate world, you survived, you would be a vibrant thriving 3 month old.  Or, would you still be baking in mommy's tummy?  If you were, I would be 36 weeks pregnant, huge as a house, and anxiously awaiting your arrival.  But, I don't live in an alternate world, I live in a world without you.  And it's a heartbreaking world.

I know you have made friends in Heaven.  I know you are playing with all of the other angel babies that were taken from their mommies and daddies far too early.  I know you are playing with Stevie, Valentina, Avery, and Charlotte.  You might even being batting your long eyelashes and giving a quirky little grin with those lips you got from mommy at Jacob, Kenny, Drew, or Blaine (or maybe even all of them).  Whoever you have met and whatever you are doing, please be good.  Please tell all of your friends (and I know you have hundreds of them), that their mommies and daddies miss them, just as much as we miss you.  Because sweet girl, we miss you all so very much.  We love you all so very much.

Sweet girl, I know you are also spending time with your great grandma, great grandpa, and great papaw.  I know they are watching over you until it is time for us to meet again.  I hope they are telling you all about me.  Your great papaw is an especially good story teller...don't let him tell you any stories about bears though!

My daughter, I now know that I was meant to meet all of these wonderful mommies and daddies, but I still wish you were here with me.  But, I know you have sent all of them to me, so we can all be there for each other in this very difficult time. 

We love you, my precious, sweet, darling daughter.  You were the light of my life.  You are deeply missed, and will be forever.  I hope you are having a good time in Heaven, and I want to hear all about it on that day we meet again. 

Love,
Mommy

Anxiety

I'm finding that I'm having anxiety about Bailey's 3 month Angelversary tomorrow.  Horrible anxiety...

Dear God...please give me the strength I need to get through tomorrow.  I'm going to need it.

Next Time

I just got finished with An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken.  I read it in one day, and it's the first book I have read since Bailey's death.  As I was reading, I noticed the things she did not do in her second pregnancy like really announce to people, find out the gender (and yes, I know people just don't do that sometimes), pick out a name, or really buy anything for the new baby.

And that got me to thinking...what is going to be different next time?  Besides the anxiety (which I had with Bailey) going up about 20 notches, and more Doctor's appointments, will anything else change?

So, here's some of the things we did, and we received while I was pregnant with Bailey...

We announced we were expecting at 6w1d...ONLY after hearing the heartbeat for the first time!

We started buying a pack of diapers EVERY time we went to the grocery store...

We bought a fetal doppler during like Week 9 or 10 so I could use at home for a little peace of mind.

I finally started filling out my Pregnancy Journal around week 10...half-heartedly...I only noted what I thought was "important".  What I didn't understand is that it's all important.

We ordered our crib around Week 13...we got it during Week 17 and put it up when we got it.

I started filling out the Baby Journal somewhere during the 2nd trimester

We picked out names early on...For a girl:  Bailey.  For a boy:  Blaine

(Yes, I know those are C names in the photo...I went a different route with this blog post than I originally intended, and now I'm just too lazy to go back to fix it.)

We found out we were having a girl at 19 weeks and announced it as soon as we found out!

My boss bought Bailey's first outfit as her way of "eating crow" because she was convinced Bailey was a boy

We bought Bailey this cute dress, then Adam's mom and dad bought it for her in the next size up

Taura bought Bailey this...this was the first girl to be born in TED (our department acronym)...everyone was excited.

Erin (former member of TED) bought this for Bailey...did I mention, we were all really excited to be buying for a girl?

Melissa bought Bailey this outfit.  Melissa and I were due within 2 weeks of each other, and went through very similar things during our pregnancy...it was bizarre.  I received this item the day I went into labor.

The carseat...I ordered this from Target a month before I went into labor, and received it a couple of days after Bailey's funeral.

So, will we do anything different next time?  

Will we announce to everyone early in our pregnancy?  Probably...ONLY after hearing a heartbeat.  I'm horrible at keeping my own secrets. 

Will we choose a nickname and have a named picked out ahead of time?  Probably...It will most definitely be a "C" name. 

Will we find out the gender?  Yes.  I'm a planner and I will have to know. 

Will we buy things?  Yes...we may wait until we get past 23 weeks though. 

Will we use clothes that were bought for Bailey if we happen to have another girl?  Probably...she never got to wear these clothes, and although they were intended for her, it doesn't make economical sense for us NOT to use them.

Things I didn't do with Bailey that I will do next time:  I will take belly photos and I will document like a crazy person. 

I can't imagine not doing many of the same things we did with Bailey for our next child.  I can't imagine not buying things, or preparing, or being excited.  Sure, there will be anxiety (and a lot of it), and worry, and doubts, but also excitement and hope that this will be the one we get to bring home.

So, readers...is there anything you plan to do differently next time around?

Square One?

On this journey, it feels like it's always 1 step forward 2 steps back.  First with the miscarriages, then with the surgery...but finally, when we got pregnant with Bailey, I finally felt like I could move forward...and then she was born prematurely and died.  Even grief feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  Have a good day, then have a really bad day. 

Sometimes I feel like we are right back at Square 1.  But, we're really not...it's more like Square 3 or 4.  Square 1 for us would be before we knew anything was wrong.  Pre-miscarriage days and pre-surgery days.  But, at Square 3 or 4, we know I can get pregnant...we know I can carry a pregnancy longer than 6 weeks...but, it's back to the old drawing board.

Back to ttc.  Back to temping, charting, and planning everything we do...back to high hopes, over-analyzing, and anxiety. 

And I hate it.

I hate having to remember to temp before getting out of bed.  I hate over-analyzing every cramp and twinge.  I hate wondering how I am going to feel during future pregnancies...So frustrating!!

I'm in a mood tonight...if you can't tell.  I woke up this morning and teared up at every blog entry I read.  I put in my time at the gym to burn off some of my pent up anxiety.  Now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for about 5 years.

Causes of Death

Today has been emotionally challenging.  With tomorrow being Adam's birthday, we took today off.  We needed to go to the Department of Vitals Records and do something we have been dreading...we had to go and get copies of Bailey's Birth Certificate AND Death Certificate.  We needed them though...Adam's life insurance policy allows us to file a claim for her, but you need a copy of both certificates to make the claim.  Since she was a live birth, we will also be able to claim her on our taxes next year, but again, we need a copy of both certificates.

No parent should ever have to pick up a death certificate for their child.  It's wrong on all levels, and it unfair on all levels.

One things I was surprised to see on Bailey's death certificate were causes of death.  I never gave much thought to what was going to be on there.  I just thought the obvious...she was just born too early.  But as the lady at the DoVR gave us the copies and I sat there reading them, there were 5 reasons listed as "Cause of Death".

1.  Cardio Respiratory Failure - when I googled this, here was a response I found "It is a generalised term which is used to describe the cause of death when no specific cause is known .  It means cardiac arrest which led to respiratory failure.  However it does not describe any proper disease."

2.  Anemia -  Condition in which the body does not have enough healthy red blood cells.

3.  23 Week Extreme Prematurity - Well, duh.

4.  Respiratory Distress Syndrome - Condition that makes it difficult to breathe.

5.  Hypovolemia - Low blood volume

I think I would have rather just thought it was because of her prematurity.  I know all of these were factors because of her prematurity, but I think I could have done without knowing all the other reasons.  Because now I wonder if she suffered?  Was she in pain? 

Sometimes I wish I would have gotten the chance to hold her before or as she left this Earth.  But, now I know if I would have, she probably would have been in more pain, she probably would have suffered more.  But, the selfish part of me wishes I could have had that chance because I never had it.  And that would not have been fair to her.

It's been a long day...I'm drained.

New Look

I'm in the process of giving my blog a new look.  The initial design was a freebie from
. 

I did have a friend re-do some of the graphics, and we are in the process of working on it more.  Adam says the code is somewhat out of date, and we'll need to update some things.

So, please be patient while this changes in the next few days!  I want it to be just right!

This is Me

Thank you Julie for today's chosen topic!  For those of you who are following (and perhaps even reading my blog)...This is Me...This is who I was before (and some things still am) I was the victim of infant loss, before I was Bailey's mommy, and before I entered into probably the toughest time to date in my life.

I grew up in a very small town in Oklahoma.  The movie "Footloose" was based on my hometown.  I graduated in a class of 50-60 students and was 1 of 4 class Valedictorians (sp?).  I was a cheerleader ALL through school, and loved it.

I married my high school sweetheart.  I met Adam while working at McDonald's.  His awkwardness, shyness, and dry sense of humor I guess just won me over!  We have been together for 11 years this October, and have been married for 5 years.

I have a Business degree from the University of Oklahoma (Boomer Sooner!). 




I work for a bank in the greater Oklahoma City area as the Teller Operations Supervisor.  I enjoy my job...most days.

I grew up with cats as a family pet.  We never had a dog.  So, Desmond, is the first dog I have ever owned.  He's spoiled rotten.  We do have 2 cats also...Smokey and Tabby.  Smokey acts EXACTLY like Adam...so anti-social...he even hides in the closet when people are at the house.

We are homebodies...through and through.  We don't have a lot of close friends, and we don't go out and do the social scene.  We are perfectly content staying at home.

I love the Harry Potter series and the Twilight series.  Yes...I'm a dork like that.  However, since Bailey's death, I haven't been able to read.  Reading used to be part of my nightly ritual.  I read for a little while before bed.  Now, I have no desire to pick up a book...no matter the topic.

I have a thing about personal space...I'm not a big hugger, but I love virtual hugs!  I like my "bubble"...

I hate my hair.  I never know what to do with it, and if it doesn't have just the right amount of hair crap on it, it stands about 10 feet tall.

I love with every fiber of my being...but if I'm crossed, I also hold grudges with every fiber of my being.  It's a fault of mine...I'm really trying to work on it.

I go to bed between 9 and 10 every night.  I still don't sleep without assistance from Ambien, but I have tried to maintain a schedule.  I also used to be able to nap anytime, anywhere, and then could sleep a full night.  I haven't had but maybe a handful of naps in the last 2 1/2 months.

There are some random facts about me!  Tell me a little bit about you!

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Most of you who follow my blog and are part of the "babyloss community" also follow Kristin's blog and her journey after the loss of Stevie Joy.

Kristin has been working diligently to raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss.  It is more common than most people realize.  In her effort to raise awareness, she has created a new blog called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  It is a place where those who are apart of this "club" (the one no one wants to be a part of, and I hate when anyone has to join it) can share their stories, and others can know they are not alone.

I have shared our story for the world to see.  If my story helps even one person know they are not alone, then sharing it is worth it.  Our story isn't just about Bailey.  It's about the two losses before Bailey, the loss of our hopes and dreams for her, and the hope we have for the future. 

I AM a Face of Loss and I AM a Face of Hope. 












Help raise awareness for Pregnancy/Infant Loss.  If you would like to share your story, please visit Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, and read how to submit your story.  You are not alone!

Negative...

I talked to my boss today about my episode on Wednesday...I told her I know I was in super-bitch mode that day, and I apologized.  I told her what triggered it...I told her I understand I have to do my job.  I told her about me feeling like people expect me to be "over it".  I told her that we don't talk about any of this often at home, and never with my family. 

She told me she doesn't know what I am going through, and she will never understand what it is like to lose a child.  She told me she knows I am still mourning.  She told me she really tries to be supportive and empathetic, but that it doesn't always come across that way. 

She also told me that her frustration with me that day was that I was so negative about having to go audit...I was so negative about not getting to go weigh-in.  She told me she wanted me to see the positive.  She told me about seeing children at MD Anderson in Houston when they went for her sister's follow-up earlier this week.  She told me those people are grateful for every minute of every day.

I explained to her that it's really hard for me to be positive right now.  I'm not the same person I was 11 weeks ago.  I'm not the exceptionally perky person...I put on a really good show mosts days, but I'm just not that person anymore.  I don't know who I am some days.  I have to figure that part out...I just don't necessarily know where to start though...I try not to be so negative...I try to be positive when I can...but, I really can't find anything positive about my baby dying...

Routines

I thought I did pretty well on Tuesday...I thought I was pretty strong...that was until every emotion came crashing down on me that night, and I didn't sleep very well. 

Then I had to go and do an audit yesterday for a large outage, that I knew I really couldn't put it off, but I was hoping I could wait until today to do.  I try to keep some sort of routine, and this just wasn't part of the routine.  I knew it was going to make for a very long day.  I asked my boss about going or if I could wait and she said I had to go then, which is fine.  But, I guess I pushed it too far when I made a kinda whiny comment about not getting to go weigh in at my normal time (I am on Weight Watchers), and that I wouldn't get to eat until tonight (because of the largeness of the branch, and once I start, I can't leave until it's done, and then it's too late and too close to the evening weigh-in time), and told me "You just need to get over it".

"Get over it"...Have I ever mentioned how much I don't like that phrase now?  If I haven't...let me just say...I HATE that phrase.  Even if it isn't said in reference to Bailey (although, I do feel like she is one of the ones that feels I should be over it), I still don't like it.  Bailey is a huge thing...and right now, the little things that should be easy to "get over" feel like the are magnified by about 1000 times.   

I've had enough disruption in my life.  I need routine right now.  It's one of the things that is keeping me sane right now.  I can count on that routine.  I can count on things being "normal".  But throw the slightest kink in there (such as a friend having a baby at 31w2d) and it starts to throw me off...before I even have a chance to recoup and recover throw another kink in there (like my audit and not getting to weigh in until late) and that will throw me completely off. 

So, after being thrown off course, I feel like I've hit a brick wall.  This morning, I am exhausted, drained, and have no will.  I would lay on the couch all day, but to call in would require calling her, and I don't want to talk to her...so, I will go in to work, go audit like I planned (keep my routine as much as normal today), and do what I am supposed to.  I guess it's all I can do.

Dear readers:  After the death of your child (or any traumatic event)...did you take comfort in having a routine or by not having one?  Am I just being too oversensitive & hormonal, or perhaps just a little too anal about my routine?  I need some perspective!  Be honest with me...

Brave and Strong

I'm rather proud of myself today.  I have a friend, who was due 2 weeks after my due date, and she gave birth to her baby boy today at 31w2d.  He weighed a little over 3 pounds, is in the NICU, but is doing well.  I'm proud of myself because I went to go see her.  It's a step in the right direction.  She is in the same ward I was, in the same hospital, and was actually right around the corner from my room.  I started having anxiety before I got there, but I did not let it control me.  The memories of EVERYTHING that happened the day I went into pre-term labor and had to deliver Bailey came rushing back.  I remember getting wheeled around in the bed...I remember the lights.  I remember the panic and how scared I felt.  I remember the complete sadness.  I remember all the tears that were shed.  I remember the horrible feeling I had when I was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair and no baby.  All of those memories and the anxiety came flooding back...but I controlled it today!  I put on my best brave face, and away I went. 

I was brave...I was strong...I did what I didn't think I would be able to do.  It was not my first time back in that hospital (I went to see her a couple of weeks ago when she first went into labor), but that is the first time that I had to go back to that floor in L&D.  Last time I went to a different floor of L&D, and it looked different...it was different.

We have to be so strong.  We have to carry what feels like the weight of the world on our shoulders sometimes...Emotionally and mentally this is tough.  I've made it this far though...One step at a time...one foot in front of the other...

Outlets

I never imagined I would be a blogger...I never imagined I could openly express these feelings...I never imagined people would read what I wrote...But, then again...I never imagined it would take us 4 years to get pregnant and have a baby...and I never imagined in my worst nightmare that my baby would die.

Without the love and support from family, friends, and other baby-loss mommies, I don't know what I would have done.  I probably would have felt like this sign:

Fortunately for me though, I have my family and friends...I have all these wonderful people in the baby-loss community who have reached out to me...I have found that I enjoy blogging.  So, I don't feel like there is "no outlet". 

Blogging in one of my outlets.  It allows me to express what I am feeling.  If I am having a horrible day...I can write about it.  If I'm having a better day...I can write about.  Someone out there understands.  I can express my emotions...I can express how I am feeling...I may not always do it, but the option is there.

Exercising has been another outlet.  Doing a few miles on the treadmill always seems to release some frustration.  It also allows for me to get lost in my thoughts.  It lets me think about Bailey.  It's let me have those thoughts all to myself...nobody to talk to me and no one to interrupt me.  It's my time.  It lets me think about what I want my Picture of the Day to be, or what I want to write about.  It gives me so many options.

What is your outlet?  Is it a new-found outlet or one you've always had?

Why Didn't I?

I'm overwhelmed with incredible guilt today. 

After Bailey died, we were faced with all the decisions of what to do.  Do we have pictures done? Yes...we do, and we did...and I cherish them.  Do we bury or cremate her?  Adam put his foot down on that one, and I was fine with his decision that we should bury her, but the next question was where do we bury her?  When? 

My mom and dad thought it would be nice to bury her at the foot of my grandmother's grave.  I thought that was a great idea.  My dad called all of my mother's siblings, and asked for permission to bury Bailey there.  Everyone agreed...and I am forever grateful for that.

I couldn't handle arranging Bailey's funeral services.  I never asked Adam to do it.  I just called my parents.  I never gave him the choice...what if he wanted to do it (wanted is a crappy word to put there...who really WANTS to arrange services to bury their child)?  Why didn't I offer to let him do it?  My dad took care of everything.  He called the funeral home and arranged for her to be picked up.  He called the preacher who married me and Adam to ask if he would perform the services.  My dad decided not to have an obituary put on the website or printed in the paper.  My dad made all the hard decisions that I couldn't do, and didn't give Adam the option to do.

But, the one HUGE thing I am feeling incredibly guilty about is this...We never chose an outfit for Bailey to be buried in.  We never dressed her in anything other than what the hospital dressed her in.  And I know she wasn't buried in that because it's now in her memory box.  So, I don't know what my child was buried in, if anything.  I don't know if she was buried in a diaper, completely naked, or if they gave her clothes.  I didn't pick something out for her.  Why didn't I do that?  What kind of mother am I to not think about the last thing my child would wear?  Why didn't I pay attention to that detail?  WHY? 

I know she was already gone, and I know she's in heaven, and it's only her in the physical sense that we buried...but I feel horrible that I didn't do that for her.  I only had few jobs when it came to her...I loved her for every tiny piece of her that she was...I carried her for the beautiful 23 weeks that she was with us...but I didn't do the things after she was gone that I should have...why didn't I do that?

I feel so horrible and so guilty....so incredibly guilty.

Red Light...Green Light...Red Light!

You remember playing the game Red Light, Green Light as a kid?  The one where someone is the "light" and when they turn around and their back is facing you that is the "green light" and when they are facing you, that is the "red light"?  You try to get closer and closer to the light, to touch it, but if you are caught moving on a red light, you are out.  I remember that game...I hated it so much, because I was always so impatient, and would always end up moving during the red light.


And for some reason, when I was sitting at a stop light today, I was reminded of that game from my childhood.  And I thought about how the concept of that game applied to my life now.


In this journey to parenthood, I have feel like I am the kid who is playing the game, and keeps getting eliminated because I keep moving during the red light...only it's not a game.


Red Light!  No regular cycles...how can you get pregnant if you don't cycle regularly?
Green Light!  Femara does the trick, and we are pregnant 6 months after our 1st appointment.
Red Light!  Miscarriage number one and discovery of a fairly large septum on my uterus.
Green Light!  Pregnant after scheduling surgery!  It's meant to be!
Red Light!  Miscarriage number two and surgery to remove septum
Green Light!  FINALLY pregnant again a year and 3 months after my surgery.
Red Light!  Bailey is born at 23 weeks and dies almost an hour after birth.


It feels like it's the same way with my emotions...


Having a good day?  Here's a green light!
Having a bad day?  Here's a red light...and it's a long one...got the patience for it?


Every time it seems like the goal in within my reach, I'm eliminated (or at least side-lined).  The "light" switches on me.  And then I have to sit there for a while...and I don't have the patience for it. 


Stupid red light.

Cravings

Two posts in one night.  I had intended on posting this originally, but had to post the "No Risk, No Reward" blog while it was fresh on my mind.

Tonight, on my way home from work, the topic on our local radio station was "What Are You Craving?".  People mentioned all sorts of food, and it got me to thinking...what am I craving?  So, let's go back...

When I first found out I was pregnant, I craved mashed potatoes and Mexican food (not at the same time).  Later, I craved Dark Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  Then I craved pickles...I had bought 3 jars of pickles a couple of days before going into labor. 

Now, I don't crave the food as much.  I crave to have my need to be a mom (to an earthly baby) fulfilled.  I crave the sunshine...Oh, how I wish it would stop raining (at least for a couple of days).  I have a craving to "get involved"...to help someone who's been through this, or is going through it.  I crave to talk about Bailey. 

What did you crave when you were pregnant and what do you crave now?

No risk, no reward

I was talking to Dana (Jacob's Mommy) tonight on Facebook, and we were talking about how going through the battle of trying to conceive (ttc) again, and even knowing what has happened to us, it is worth the risk.  And I found myself saying "No risk, no reward".  But it's true...even after going through this awful experience of losing my baby, and knowing that it could very possibly happen again (Dear God, I hope it doesn't), I am still willing to do it again.  If I never took the risk, and decided never to try again, then there would never be the chance of having the reward of having a "take home" baby.  One to bring home, share my love with, hold and cuddle...to give my all. 

I knew from the moment we lost Bailey, that I would be willing to take the risk.  I knew it wasn't the end of the journey for us.  I guess I knew it before then, because otherwise we would have stopped after our first miscarriage.  The risk is worth it.  There may be heartache, anxiety, and fear...but it'll be worth it.  It has to be.

Hunger

I have this hunger that needs to be satisfied.  It's the hunger for being a mom.  I feel like I have gone to some really cool party, had a bite of some really fabulous dessert, only to find out that the bite I had was the last bite, and there won't be anymore for a long time.  That's how I feel now...I feel like I was finally invited to the cool kids party, because I finally got the invitation to be a mom.  I got a little more than halfway through the party because I made it to 23 weeks with Bailey.  I got to have a taste for the dessert I wanted when I delivered Bailey and got to hold this preciousness in my arms.  Then I was told that was it, there was no more...that's how I felt when she died.  I felt 1000 times worse after she died, than not getting the dessert I wanted, but you understand the analogy.

To have to go through this battle of trying to conceive again, feels like I'm waiting to get that invitation again.  I wanted that invitation last time, but this time I have a hunger for it.  I have a hunger to get to the end of the party, have my cake, and eat it too...and I want to eat the whole freaking piece...not just a bite.  I have the hunger to get to the end of a pregnancy, deliver my baby, get to keep him or her, take him or her home, and live happily ever after.  It's not too much to ask for....right?

And I have hope that someday this will happen.  And hopefully someday soon.

Is it really THAT bad?

Today, I was having a conversation with a girl from work.  She was having a really bad day.  Her dog is either lost or has been stolen, and her sister-in-law killed herself this weekend.  I was just completely shocked.

I cannot imagine thinking life was so bad that THAT was the only way out.  I just physically cannot imagine it.  I have suffered the loss of my daughter, and I still don't think life is THAT bad.  What I have been through is probably one of the worst things a person can ever go through.  And yes I am sad, and it hurts, and it's unfair, but wow...to feel like that was my only option...again...it's just wow.

It makes me incredibly sad to think about the family this woman left behind.  The hurt others will feel because of a decision she made.  I don't know her story or her circumstances, but it makes me so sad.

Verbalize

This post may offend some of my family members and friends...I apologize in advance.  This post also gets into religion and such.

I have come to a realization that I am horrible at verbalizing things.  After a couple of conversations with Adam this weekend, I came that conclusion very quickly.

First conversation occurred on our way home last night.  We have always accepted that we were raised in different denominations of religion.  Adam was raised Baptist and I was raised Church of Christ.  We have never made a clear, concise decision on how our children will be raised.  We have never defined that boundary.  Adam thinks the way Church of Christ does things are a little weird...I think the way Baptists do things is a little weird.  We accepted that we have those opinions. 

But, as we were driving home last night, we had a conversation that I couldn't verbalize my opinions or beliefs.  I just couldn't make it come out like I wanted...and I still don't know how to make it come out "right".  We were talking about baptism on our way home.  I have only been to a Baptist church a handful of times.  From what I have understood, the belief is you confess and are saved, and then later (days, weeks, months, however long) you are baptized.  Growing up Church of Christ, when you "confessed", accepted God and Jesus, you were baptized and saved.  "Repent, confess, and be baptized, and you will be saved." is what I was taught.  To me, it is like an "all in one" package deal.  I know, I know...ultimately the same thing when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, right?  But, I guess I don't fully understand why it is different between denominations.  I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong...it's just different.

I also haven't been able to understand getting baptized at a very young age.  Yes, maturity and upbringing has a lot to do with it.  So, I am not against baptism at a young age (or any age for that matter) as long as there is an understanding and someone is mature enough to make that decision.  But, I heard of kids I went to school with, that were baptized just for the act of it, and nothing changed.  These were the kids who partied every weekend...drank illegally, smoked, did drugs.  I think most of them did it because "everyone was doing it", not because of a mature, thought out decision, or even because of belief.  And I didn't agree with it then, and I don't agree with it now. 

I could go on and on about this topic probably for hours...but I don't know how to verbalize these thoughts, and mixed up emotions.  So, they will remain a jumbled mess.  But, I realized last night, that this is a difference we are going to have to work out.  Because we are going to have to make a decision on how our children will be raised in regards to religion.  And I need my ducks to be in a row, and be able to have a discussion and be able to verbalize my beliefs in order to make this decision.

My second instance in which I was unable to verbalize myself was tonight.  (This is a much lighter subject).  I want to re-vamp my blog, and I found a template I like that someone created, but I wanted to change some things on it.  I wanted to add some things, and delete some things.  And as I tried to explain to Adam what I wanted for the final product, I couldn't convey it.  So, I drew a picture, and tried to point out the things I wanted to change.  And I figured out, that even with drawing a picture, I couldn't convey some of the things (doesn't help that I am a really crappy artist). 

I want my blog for Bailey to be a special place.  I want it to look perfect.  I am not happy with how it currently looks, so I wanted to create that space.  I used to know how to do these things...and I have lost that knowledge.  And with the loss of that knowledge, I now have to rely on someone else to do it for me...and when I can't verbalize what I want, that makes it hard to get it.

I guess I need to work on my communication.  Either that, or write everything down...sort it all out, and then go from there.

Let's Just Avoid It

Sometimes I don't know if I should feel hurt or annoyed.

I expect the uncomfortable and awkward silence when I talk about pregnancy or Bailey with people I am not exceptionally close to.  There is probably actually only a handful of people I can talk about Bailey openly with, and tell they aren't uncomfortable. 

But, one thing that causes my mixture of emotions such as hurt and annoyance (all at once) is when I can tell that family is openly uncomfortable talking about my child.  I know they are hurting too...I understand that.  I understand that they are afraid that talking about Bailey might send me into a bout of outrageous, open, raw emotions.  I understand that they are probably trying to spare my feelings.  But, not talking about her, or avoiding the subject of hurt, is just as likely to send me into that downward spiral.

I can recognize that discomfort in my own parent's faces when I mention Bailey.  My mom avoids talking about her...she actually will change the subject if I bring her into the conversation. 

It comforts me to talk about Bailey.  I love to show the things people have made for her...the tributes in memory of her that people have done.  I loved showing off the tree Kristin did...I loved showing off the candle lighting and rock Melissa did...that's just a couple of them...and today, I was extremely excited to see that Bailey was remembered on Elaine's trip to Niagra Falls.  But, my excitement was quickly squashed when I tried to show Adam and my parents, and I saw the discomfort arise...and instead of acknowledge the wonderful gesture that was done in my baby's memory, my parents started talking about their vacation for next year.  They talked about how they wanted to go to Niagra Falls, and how they needed to get their passports because my aunt has told them the best views are from the Canadian side. 

Thank you Elaine!!  I love that Bailey was remembered on your trip to Niagra Falls!!

I almost feel like many people's attitudes about Bailey are "if we just avoid talking about it...then maybe she'll stop".  I'll never stop talking about her.  I might talk about her less in time (I don't see it being anytime soon)...but I will never stop talking about the precious little girl that blessed our lives with her brief presence.

Dear Pre-Pregnancy Clothes

Dear Pre-Pregnancy Clothes,

I just thought I would take a moment and tell you I don't like you very much right now.  If I had Bailey in my arms to show what I had went through during pregnancy, and the reason I gained all that weight, I might not be so unforgiving to you right now.  But, since I have no Bailey to prove that the 26 pounds I gained was for good reason, I'm really just kind of bitter. 

Most moms after 2 months would love to be able to fit into clothes just like you...  But, I just thought I would let you know I'm not them.  In perfect world circumstances, I would be happy to be back wearing you, and on my way to leaving you in the "fat pre-pregnancy clothes" box, because I am still losing weight.  But, since it's way sooner than I planned on wearing you, it's just yet another painful reminder that things aren't the way I planned.

Pre-Pregnancy clothes, you have managed to make your way into my Picture a Day section.  I'm so upset with you right now, that yes, I even took a picture of you.  Because as I document my journey, you are part of the process. 

One way or another, I won't be wearing you for long.  I either will continue to lose the weight, and you will go in the box, or hopefully I will get pregnant again, and will be tucking you back on the shelf, because my belly won't be able to fit into you.  I guess only time will tell which place you are going to be headed...

Sincerely,
Your very bitter owner

Television

I watch mindless television in the mornings.  I know there are more importants things to watch, like the news, but I don't.  So, this morning, as I am sitting on my couch, watching a "Boy Meets World" re-run, I had forgotten about this particular episode.  (And, yes, I am aware of the scale of my dorkiness for watching this crap in the mornings...)

In this episode, a new baby brother had been born into the Matthew's family, and was in the NICU, because he was so small and having problems breathing.  The Dr.'s did everything they could do for him, and now "it was up to him".  Every talks to him and prays for him, and at the end of the show, everything is better. 

As I sat and watched, I cried because if only for a brief moment in time, I understood their pain.  But, in the end, I was angry, because although it's a t.v. show, and sometimes in real-life people do get that happy ending, and get to take their babies home, I wonder, why didn't I get to?  I was so angry that wonderful people who I have met on this journey, didn't get that wonderful, happy ending.  They didn't get to take their babies home. 

Why can't we have the happy endings like the t.v. shows?  Why can't things always turn out okay?  Why does there have to be this heartache and this pain?