Friday, July 16, 2010

Negative...

I talked to my boss today about my episode on Wednesday...I told her I know I was in super-bitch mode that day, and I apologized.  I told her what triggered it...I told her I understand I have to do my job.  I told her about me feeling like people expect me to be "over it".  I told her that we don't talk about any of this often at home, and never with my family. 

She told me she doesn't know what I am going through, and she will never understand what it is like to lose a child.  She told me she knows I am still mourning.  She told me she really tries to be supportive and empathetic, but that it doesn't always come across that way. 

She also told me that her frustration with me that day was that I was so negative about having to go audit...I was so negative about not getting to go weigh-in.  She told me she wanted me to see the positive.  She told me about seeing children at MD Anderson in Houston when they went for her sister's follow-up earlier this week.  She told me those people are grateful for every minute of every day.

I explained to her that it's really hard for me to be positive right now.  I'm not the same person I was 11 weeks ago.  I'm not the exceptionally perky person...I put on a really good show mosts days, but I'm just not that person anymore.  I don't know who I am some days.  I have to figure that part out...I just don't necessarily know where to start though...I try not to be so negative...I try to be positive when I can...but, I really can't find anything positive about my baby dying...

6 comments:

Drew's Parents said...

I am sorry you are having such a rough week. I hate the phrase "get over it." I don't think that some people realize that everything in our lives somehow reflects our babies.
I have found routines so important to my healing. If I am thrown off my routines, I start to spiral. When little things go wrong, they only magnify my pain, anger, and frustration over Drew's loss. I try to stay positive, but then I feel guilty because like you said...how is there ANYTHING positive about our babies being gone? I am not sure that we will ever be the same people we were before our babies passed away. Finding positivity is probably going to be a long and difficult process.
I am thinking about you and hoping that your weekend and upcoming week are better. (((Hugs)))

Violet1122 said...

It was very big of you to apologize to your boss. People who haven't suffered the loss of a child really don't know what to say or how to handle it sometimes. So you get stuff like "just look at the positives" of "get over it" from them. Which sucks.

You are forever changed by the loss of your daughter. And that's OK. Actually, that's to be expected. How could you ever be the same??

And you are right - there is nothing positive about Bailey's death. It was cruel, it was unfair, and it never should have happened.

I'm hoping this weekend you will find some moments of peace. Please know I'm thinking of you...

Julie said...

i am so glad you spoke to her about it. and no, there's nothing positive about losing our precious babies. good for you for speaking up for yourself.

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

why is it that it's so easy for some people, who have not gone through the kind of loss that we have, to say these things out of naive attempts to make us feel better or make us move on with our grief? like everyone here agreed, there's nothing positive about our babies dying, and for anyone dying for that matter. i guess when the loss is not theirs, they have the privilege of telling grief-stricken mothers to stay positive in our tragedies ( *sigh* that's my bitter sarcasm coming out of the woodwork...sorry about that) it can be so frustrating. btw, thank you for visiting my blog. peace to you and your angel, bailey.
(also, sorry about the double post, didn't mean to spam)

Lucid Anne said...

I am so sorry you had a bad day Weds, and I'm SO glad you were able to explain to your boss what happened. It IS really hard for other people to understand this tightrope of sanity we are walking. :(