Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hunger

I have this hunger that needs to be satisfied.  It's the hunger for being a mom.  I feel like I have gone to some really cool party, had a bite of some really fabulous dessert, only to find out that the bite I had was the last bite, and there won't be anymore for a long time.  That's how I feel now...I feel like I was finally invited to the cool kids party, because I finally got the invitation to be a mom.  I got a little more than halfway through the party because I made it to 23 weeks with Bailey.  I got to have a taste for the dessert I wanted when I delivered Bailey and got to hold this preciousness in my arms.  Then I was told that was it, there was no more...that's how I felt when she died.  I felt 1000 times worse after she died, than not getting the dessert I wanted, but you understand the analogy.

To have to go through this battle of trying to conceive again, feels like I'm waiting to get that invitation again.  I wanted that invitation last time, but this time I have a hunger for it.  I have a hunger to get to the end of the party, have my cake, and eat it too...and I want to eat the whole freaking piece...not just a bite.  I have the hunger to get to the end of a pregnancy, deliver my baby, get to keep him or her, take him or her home, and live happily ever after.  It's not too much to ask for....right?

And I have hope that someday this will happen.  And hopefully someday soon.

6 comments:

Dana said...

I hope it will happen for you soon too, for all of us.

That is a good analogy. It is so true. I always wanted to be a Mom, I never played 'wedding' when I was a kid, instead I gave birth to my stuffed animals and played house. Now that I have had a taste of it, I want it even more than I did before and I didn't think that that was possible.

Elaine said...

I pray you get to bring home a healthy little baby soon. There is no greater joy in life. I know this isn't the way you wanted it and it sucks, but you are Bailey's mother and you are part of the party. I don't say that to belittle the way you're feeling but to reassure you that you are just as much a mom as any woman who has their child with them. You love Bailey and honour Bailey just as well as anyone with a child at home.

Tiki said...

I know exactly what you mean. After I had Charlotte, I knew I wanted to try again as soon as possible. I knew that I wanted to be a mother more than anything. You are right about just getting a taste of it. It is like we were teased. There are so many of us that have so much love to give and I have to stay positive that it will happen soon, for all of us.

Julie said...

what a perfect metaphor. i, too, feel this so strongly. it was so hard for us to get pregnant with kenny that once we made it through the first trimester, we naively thought we were home-free. how cruel to think parenthood is finally within reach - so close! - only to have it snatched away. i NEED to be a mom.

rebecca said...

wow, excellent analogy...I can relate to so much of what you said, I also lost my daughter at 23wks into my pregnancy after struggling for years with infertility & conceiving via IVF. It seems incredibly cruel to have gone through so much to get pregnant & then to have been so careful throughout my pregnancy, but still have something to horribly tragic occur.

Violet1122 said...

I know what you mean about "hunger". I'm praying you are able conceive easier than you anticipate - but I also know the dread of facing all the ups and downs again. Please know I'm rooting for you!