Saturday, July 24, 2010

Square One?

On this journey, it feels like it's always 1 step forward 2 steps back.  First with the miscarriages, then with the surgery...but finally, when we got pregnant with Bailey, I finally felt like I could move forward...and then she was born prematurely and died.  Even grief feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  Have a good day, then have a really bad day. 

Sometimes I feel like we are right back at Square 1.  But, we're really not...it's more like Square 3 or 4.  Square 1 for us would be before we knew anything was wrong.  Pre-miscarriage days and pre-surgery days.  But, at Square 3 or 4, we know I can get pregnant...we know I can carry a pregnancy longer than 6 weeks...but, it's back to the old drawing board.

Back to ttc.  Back to temping, charting, and planning everything we do...back to high hopes, over-analyzing, and anxiety. 

And I hate it.

I hate having to remember to temp before getting out of bed.  I hate over-analyzing every cramp and twinge.  I hate wondering how I am going to feel during future pregnancies...So frustrating!!

I'm in a mood tonight...if you can't tell.  I woke up this morning and teared up at every blog entry I read.  I put in my time at the gym to burn off some of my pent up anxiety.  Now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for about 5 years.

9 comments:

Dana said...

I know what you mean...I hate taking my temperature everyday and constantly trying to figure out if I am ovulating now. I didn't think I'd be doing this again for another year or so for our second baby. Now it is back to the beginning, but we have changed so much. I felt a touch of nausea yesterday, then a touch of heartburn, then a small cramp today and of course I analyze it all.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

i completely understand, and will be praying for you on your journey of ttc.

Angela said...

I'm terrified of ttc again. The first time was so easy and I'm worried the second time around won't be. It really does feel like one step forward, two steps back. Just keep breathing, you're making it through and you will continue to do so, even when you feel like you're back at Square One.

I love your new blog look.

mommy4boys said...

I am so sorry you are feeling down. TTC is a stressful process alone without the everything else we as babylost parents are going through.
Hugs to you
Carrie

Julie said...

i SO hate all the TTC crap. wishing you a quick rainbow baby, along with some peace of mind!

Violet1122 said...

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. My opinion is - after you have a baby loss, you shouldn't have to go through the whole TTC crap again. It's just not fair. We should be able to get some kind of "pass".

I'm rooting for you and praying for you. I hope your TTC process is easier than you expect.

Please know I'm thinking of you...

Brie said...

right there with you..(not that knowing a stranger going through it makes you feel any better, but I hate it. I hate that we have has 3 opportunities to bring a baby home, and none of the 3 have panned out. But you are very right, you are not at square 1, you are moving forward, even if every so often you take a step or two back.

Elaine said...

I know, starting from scratch sucks! seriously sucks!!

I like your new format btw. Really nice, great colours.

Drew's Parents said...

I feel like we are back at square one but with a huge foreboding shadow hanging over us. I am so scared of all of the long waits, the confusing signals, the unknowns, and the steps that have to be taken if we were to be blessed with another child. Your journey to Bailey sounded incredibly difficult. I hope that you and your husband are able to take leaps forward toward your rainbow baby. Thinking of you and sending you thoughts, prayers, and baby wishes.

PS. Your new layout is very pretty. Also, my hair looks like cotton candy down here! :-/