I'm overwhelmed with incredible guilt today.
After Bailey died, we were faced with all the decisions of what to do. Do we have pictures done? Yes...we do, and we did...and I cherish them. Do we bury or cremate her? Adam put his foot down on that one, and I was fine with his decision that we should bury her, but the next question was where do we bury her? When?
My mom and dad thought it would be nice to bury her at the foot of my grandmother's grave. I thought that was a great idea. My dad called all of my mother's siblings, and asked for permission to bury Bailey there. Everyone agreed...and I am forever grateful for that.
I couldn't handle arranging Bailey's funeral services. I never asked Adam to do it. I just called my parents. I never gave him the choice...what if he wanted to do it (wanted is a crappy word to put there...who really WANTS to arrange services to bury their child)? Why didn't I offer to let him do it? My dad took care of everything. He called the funeral home and arranged for her to be picked up. He called the preacher who married me and Adam to ask if he would perform the services. My dad decided not to have an obituary put on the website or printed in the paper. My dad made all the hard decisions that I couldn't do, and didn't give Adam the option to do.
But, the one HUGE thing I am feeling incredibly guilty about is this...We never chose an outfit for Bailey to be buried in. We never dressed her in anything other than what the hospital dressed her in. And I know she wasn't buried in that because it's now in her memory box. So, I don't know what my child was buried in, if anything. I don't know if she was buried in a diaper, completely naked, or if they gave her clothes. I didn't pick something out for her. Why didn't I do that? What kind of mother am I to not think about the last thing my child would wear? Why didn't I pay attention to that detail? WHY?
I know she was already gone, and I know she's in heaven, and it's only her in the physical sense that we buried...but I feel horrible that I didn't do that for her. I only had few jobs when it came to her...I loved her for every tiny piece of her that she was...I carried her for the beautiful 23 weeks that she was with us...but I didn't do the things after she was gone that I should have...why didn't I do that?
I feel so horrible and so guilty....so incredibly guilty.