Sunday, July 4, 2010

Let's Just Avoid It

Sometimes I don't know if I should feel hurt or annoyed.

I expect the uncomfortable and awkward silence when I talk about pregnancy or Bailey with people I am not exceptionally close to.  There is probably actually only a handful of people I can talk about Bailey openly with, and tell they aren't uncomfortable. 

But, one thing that causes my mixture of emotions such as hurt and annoyance (all at once) is when I can tell that family is openly uncomfortable talking about my child.  I know they are hurting too...I understand that.  I understand that they are afraid that talking about Bailey might send me into a bout of outrageous, open, raw emotions.  I understand that they are probably trying to spare my feelings.  But, not talking about her, or avoiding the subject of hurt, is just as likely to send me into that downward spiral.

I can recognize that discomfort in my own parent's faces when I mention Bailey.  My mom avoids talking about her...she actually will change the subject if I bring her into the conversation. 

It comforts me to talk about Bailey.  I love to show the things people have made for her...the tributes in memory of her that people have done.  I loved showing off the tree Kristin did...I loved showing off the candle lighting and rock Melissa did...that's just a couple of them...and today, I was extremely excited to see that Bailey was remembered on Elaine's trip to Niagra Falls.  But, my excitement was quickly squashed when I tried to show Adam and my parents, and I saw the discomfort arise...and instead of acknowledge the wonderful gesture that was done in my baby's memory, my parents started talking about their vacation for next year.  They talked about how they wanted to go to Niagra Falls, and how they needed to get their passports because my aunt has told them the best views are from the Canadian side. 

Thank you Elaine!!  I love that Bailey was remembered on your trip to Niagra Falls!!

I almost feel like many people's attitudes about Bailey are "if we just avoid talking about it...then maybe she'll stop".  I'll never stop talking about her.  I might talk about her less in time (I don't see it being anytime soon)...but I will never stop talking about the precious little girl that blessed our lives with her brief presence.

4 comments:

Violet1122 said...

Hurt and annoyed are totally legitimate reactions to have. Along with some other feelings too...

I'm sorry you have family members who don't want to talk about Bailey. It's easy enough for them to think that by not talking about her the pain will disappear. You and I and other baby-loss moms know differently.

It really is sweet that Elaine was remembering your little girl on her trip. That picture must have really lifted your spirits!

I see Bailey's picture on the side of your blog - and I often think about how cute and sweet she is. I'm glad you have that picture up!

Elaine said...

I'm so glad you liked the photo. I am always thinking of my fellow baby momma's and their little ones. I know exactly how you feel. Some people I know have not once mentioned my son to me, like he just never existed to them. That hurts so much because he is such a huge part of my very being. I would not be who I am today without him so to have people ignore that is like a slap in the face. Unfortunately people just don't get it. But your online friends are here to listen to you talk about Bailey and to celebrate her! She is such a beautiful little girl, she will not be forgotten.

Family of Earls said...

I am sorry that even your family is having a hard time when you talk about Bailey. I have endured some awkard silences from friends when I mention Caleb and Lucas. I agree with feeling hurt and annoyed. And you have enough pain you are dealing with that you shouldn't have to add these on to it.
I also love how Elaine remembered Bailey on her trip. And they should appreciate that also.

Julie said...

My own mother-in-law has offended me a number of times in her ignorance of how to be toward me in regards to Kenny. I know it's a generational thing (she's 73) and a "country" thing. She just doesn't get it. I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, but sometimes that's hard to remember.