What's happened in January?

I have been a very neglectful blogger...We are either not home, too busy, or just flat out exhausted.  What has happened in January?

We kept my niece Desiree over the weekend of the 14th.  Having a 2 1/2 year old running around when you aren't used to it is EXHAUSTING!  She was good though, and it's a good thing, because I was SO sick that Saturday night.  Adam got a full dose of caring for 2 kids at the same time.  He called his mom in as a reinforcement though!  I was miserable...migraine, throwing up...not a good night.  Desiree loves loving on Miss Cameron though!

Cameron is getting so big!  She is 4 months old now!  We are still having horribly fussy evenings.    It is funny though, because she thinks being undressed on the changing table is the most hilarious thing in the world!  That usually works as our instant happy button!  :)

Taken a couple of days late - but Cameron's 4 month picture!

At her 4 month appointment on January 16th, she weighed 17 pounds 10 ounces (96th percentile) and was 25 3/4 inches long (90th percentile).  She got her shots, but took them like a champion, and once she was done with her shots we had a bottle ready and it was instant happy!  Well...probably not happy, but at least she wasn't screaming at the top of her lungs!

Who is that girl looking back at me?

Just a diaper and socks while waiting on Ms. Amy!

We were given the go ahead to start cereal.  She tolerates it, but it isn't her favorite.  We have also given squash and apples a try.  She likes both of those!  Tomorrow, we are going to try some green beans!

One year ago today we found out that Bailey was going to be a big sister.  One year later, we are taking her little sister to a pediatric eye doctor to have her eyes checked out.  Our pediatrician noticed Cameron's eyes are still pretty crossed.  They wanted us to have them checked out because if we can work to correct it now, then that's probably best.  So, today, we went to the eye doctor.  Cameron has a slight astigmatism (not enough to need glasses) and her right eye is definitely crossed.  So, now we have to patch her good eye (her left) for 1-2 hours each day and try to force her right eye to work and hopefully line itself out.  We have an appointment in 3 months and if it isn't corrected, she may have to have eye surgery.

She's our little "pirate"....Arrrrrrrrgh!

We are just plugging right along!  We are staying busy, but so far, all is well!

What Do I Want in 2012?

What do I want in 2012?  What kind of person do I want to be?

1.  I want to be healthy...which is going to require to get my butt in gear and lose some of this pregnancy weight.  I gained WAY too much in my pregnancy with Cameron, and it's time for it to go!  I started back on Weight Watchers October 12, and I have had NO motivation to track what I'm eating or to even attempt to be good.  And where has it gotten me?  Nowhere of course!  All I have effectively done is gained 4 pounds!

So, it's time to get serious, and it's time for me to start tracking and get my eating habits back in order!  I have decided that I am going to only do WW online, because due to finances right now, I am giving up WW meetings and the gym (I haven't been able to go anyways).  But, online will still give me everything I need, and maybe I can find some people who will hold me accountable!  I need accountability right now!

2.  I want to be more positive.  I have been struggling lately with being positive.  I am incredibly fortunate and blessed.  I have a home, a job, family, friends, a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful daughters, an ornery poopy dog...but yet, I keep finding myself being so negative about wages, finances, day to day stuff...I just need to accept what it, and if I can't accept it, then I need to figure out what to do to change it.  But, one thing is for sure...I need to stop griping about it.

3.  I want to rediscover my faith.  Please, do not take it upon yourself at this point to minister to me, or preach to me.  This is something that is going to take some serious time and I have to figure out where to start...and that may take a little bit.  I've lost my way over the years...I used to go to church...I used to pray...I used to believe unfalteringly...however, I started putting other things first over the years, and after April 30, 2010, it is no secret that I got seriously mad at God.  I needed someone to blame, other than myself, and he got the brunt of that blame. 

I know some of my friends who have lost their babies have found a stronger relationship with God.  Some have unwavering faith that there is a greater reason and a greater plan.  That was sooooo not me.  I am slowly rediscovering my faith and my beliefs, and this year has been a big part of that.  I have accepted that sometimes bad things just happen to good people.  And that was our circumstances in 2010.  It took me a long time to accept that...and I think it took me so long because of this conversation...

I had a conversation with someone I used to work with not long after Bailey's death.  We were talking about kids, and he told me he and his wife were planning to go to Hawaii for their 5 year anniversary, just like they did on their honeymoon.  He told me that they planned to get pregnant while there, and the baby would be born at the last part of the year, and then they could claim this little one on their taxes the next year.  Me, being the realist, and having gone through 4 years of infertility treatments, 2 miscarriages, and Bailey's death, said "Things don't always go as we plan".  He responded something to the effect of "But, we're good people, and we deserve it". 

That conversation shattered me and has haunted me...because at that point in time, I wondered what I did that was so horribly wrong that my worst nightmare would come true?  What did I do to deserve it?  It took many months to realize it's not what I have or haven't done...I didn't deserve it.  No one deserves it.  It was a tragedy that happened.  It's part of my story.  It's part of my journey.  She's part of my story...my journey. 

So, as my journey continues into 2012, I have things I want to accomplish.  Things I need to work on.  And goals I have set.  And I will get there.  It may take a while, but these too are part of my journey.

2011 - A Year End Review

SO much happened in 2011.  It is crazy thinking back at how it started and seeing how it ended.

I was broken...so incredibly broken.  We left the horrible year of 2010 behind us, only taking with us the beautiful memory of a beautiful baby girl who blessed our lives for such a brief period of time.  

We made the decision to adopt and in January 2011, we had started forward with our plans to make this happen.  We already had put together our portfolio, with this as our cover picture:

As we planned for adoption, we decided to give our last round of Femara a shot, with the promise that if it didn't work, we stop all infertility treatments and focus our energy on adopting a little one from South Korea.  Little did we know that we would get this:

We had the best Valentine's Day ever...we got to see Cameron (at that time known as CB) and hear her heartbeat for the first time! 

My cerclage was placed on April 1st.  What's the irony that on the first day of April I would get the few little stitches that would be needed to keep CB safe and warm, when on the last day of April the year before, Bailey was born because we didn't have those little stitches?  We also found out that CB was officially a Cameron instead of a Casey when the ultrasound showed she was a girl!

April also brought Bailey's first birthday.  We officially made it through our year of firsts without her. 

My birthday came around in May.  And for the first time in 2 years, it didn't suck.  My birthday 2009 - internal audit was visiting and I was stressed to the max.  My birthday 2010 - one week post Bailey's death.  Yeah, we all know how well I was doing then.  My birthday 2011 - pregnant with Cameron and a few friends and my husband surprised me with a dinner get-together!

We made it past THE week in June.  Yes, we made it past 23 weeks, which was THE week we lost Bailey.  I was a nervous wreck that week.

We made it through the hottest summer on record with record breaking heat and record number of days of 100+ degree temperatures.  Oh, how I love Oklahoma summers.  For the record...if I could plan it, I would NOT be pregnant again during the summer....ugh.

After 9 long months, we finally met this sweet face on September 15 at 9:45 a.m....

After a stressful pregnancy after loss, to get her here safe and sound and to hear that first cry was music to our ears!

In November, we got to meet Allison, Josh, and Genevieve.  That was also Cameron's first out of state trip!

We got to have firsts this year that weren't absolutely heart-wrenching and heartbreaking.  Cameron's first trip, her first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  We got to hear first laughs and we have many more firsts that we are looking forward to!

2011 was a good year...a great year.  It was a healing year.  A little piece of us is still missing and always will be, but we are doing much better at the end than we were in the beginning.  Our little family grew and we are all well.

And as we started 2012 this morning at 5:30 a.m. (because Cameron REALLY thought she needed to be up!) but it was all worth it to see her smiles and hear her giggles!

I'm so excited to see what 2012 has in store for us.  I am thrilled to get to watch Cameron continue growing and I can't wait to see her little personality develop!  This little black-haired, blue-eyed girl certainly has us mesmerized, and it is definitely her show!

To answer a question Julie asked on Facebook earlier and that others have asked too over the course of this past year:  Yes, we do still plan to adopt.  We hope to have at least 1 more little one who is biologically ours, and then once we are a little more financially stable (meaning we finally have some crap paid off), then we hope to adopt.  We would like to adopt from South Korea still, but we may ultimately decide to go through the Choctaw Nation as I am a registered Choctaw.  We'll see where the road takes us when we get there!