What Do I Want in 2012?

What do I want in 2012?  What kind of person do I want to be?

1.  I want to be healthy...which is going to require to get my butt in gear and lose some of this pregnancy weight.  I gained WAY too much in my pregnancy with Cameron, and it's time for it to go!  I started back on Weight Watchers October 12, and I have had NO motivation to track what I'm eating or to even attempt to be good.  And where has it gotten me?  Nowhere of course!  All I have effectively done is gained 4 pounds!

So, it's time to get serious, and it's time for me to start tracking and get my eating habits back in order!  I have decided that I am going to only do WW online, because due to finances right now, I am giving up WW meetings and the gym (I haven't been able to go anyways).  But, online will still give me everything I need, and maybe I can find some people who will hold me accountable!  I need accountability right now!

2.  I want to be more positive.  I have been struggling lately with being positive.  I am incredibly fortunate and blessed.  I have a home, a job, family, friends, a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful daughters, an ornery poopy dog...but yet, I keep finding myself being so negative about wages, finances, day to day stuff...I just need to accept what it, and if I can't accept it, then I need to figure out what to do to change it.  But, one thing is for sure...I need to stop griping about it.

3.  I want to rediscover my faith.  Please, do not take it upon yourself at this point to minister to me, or preach to me.  This is something that is going to take some serious time and I have to figure out where to start...and that may take a little bit.  I've lost my way over the years...I used to go to church...I used to pray...I used to believe unfalteringly...however, I started putting other things first over the years, and after April 30, 2010, it is no secret that I got seriously mad at God.  I needed someone to blame, other than myself, and he got the brunt of that blame. 

I know some of my friends who have lost their babies have found a stronger relationship with God.  Some have unwavering faith that there is a greater reason and a greater plan.  That was sooooo not me.  I am slowly rediscovering my faith and my beliefs, and this year has been a big part of that.  I have accepted that sometimes bad things just happen to good people.  And that was our circumstances in 2010.  It took me a long time to accept that...and I think it took me so long because of this conversation...

I had a conversation with someone I used to work with not long after Bailey's death.  We were talking about kids, and he told me he and his wife were planning to go to Hawaii for their 5 year anniversary, just like they did on their honeymoon.  He told me that they planned to get pregnant while there, and the baby would be born at the last part of the year, and then they could claim this little one on their taxes the next year.  Me, being the realist, and having gone through 4 years of infertility treatments, 2 miscarriages, and Bailey's death, said "Things don't always go as we plan".  He responded something to the effect of "But, we're good people, and we deserve it". 

That conversation shattered me and has haunted me...because at that point in time, I wondered what I did that was so horribly wrong that my worst nightmare would come true?  What did I do to deserve it?  It took many months to realize it's not what I have or haven't done...I didn't deserve it.  No one deserves it.  It was a tragedy that happened.  It's part of my story.  It's part of my journey.  She's part of my story...my journey. 

So, as my journey continues into 2012, I have things I want to accomplish.  Things I need to work on.  And goals I have set.  And I will get there.  It may take a while, but these too are part of my journey.