I Have To Re-live It

This is going to be a novel...but I have had a HORRIBLE weekend and I have to get this off my chest...

There are two days I don't want to relive...one I would if it meant a different result and the other one wouldn't even have to be if the first day had said different result.  I know you know what two days I am talking about.

Day One - April 30, 2010...23 weeks pregnant and I go into labor...and it's too late to stop it when we get to the hospital.  A beautiful little girl is born with only a 5% chance of survival.  You know how that day ends.  It ends with death, broken hearts, sadness, and emptiness.

Day Two - May 4, 2010...the day of Bailey's funeral.  The day we have to bury our daughter.  The day we have to permanently say goodbye.  I remember it like yesterday.  I remember crumbling into Adam's arms as I got out of my parent's car and saw the tiniest white casket with flowers on it.  My baby, my daughter, my first born...my Bailey is in there.

And I have to relive burying my sweet girl...I have to relive a part of that day.

Some of you, depending how long you have followed my blog, know that Bailey is buried at the foot of my grandma's grave.  This grandma is my mom's mom.  When Bailey died, we had to make decisions no parent should ever have to make.  We decided no cremation, so we knew we would have to bury her.  But, where?  We had no plots...this wasn't something we planned.  So, my dad made phone calls and asked my mom's siblings if it would be okay if we buried Bailey at the foot of my grandma's grave.  Everyone agreed.  This normally isn't allowed by city ordinance, but since my dad has been Fire Chief and a well-known member of the community, they made an exception for us...especially since she was so small.

When we got ready to order Bailey's headstone, the monument place would not let us order the headstone knowing she was buried at the foot of my grandmother's grave until they heard from the city about two things:  First, would we be allowed to place a headstone there?  Second, if the answer was yes, would it have to be a small marker or could it be a regular stone?  The city called back and the answers that came back were:  Yes and they can put whatever they want there.  So, we ordered Bailey's headstone.  It was set at the end of July 2011.

Fast forward to this past Friday.  My aunt gets a letter from the city saying we are in violation because of the headstone...and all hell breaks loose.

My uncle decides to go look on Facebook for any pictures of Bailey's headstone, and he finds one from Christmas 2011.  He proceeds to post this comment:  "what is this? the burial was only to be temparary, what about my mom and dad's space and respect, on top of that it is in violations of all the codes, please call me."

First I was stunned.  Then I was hurt.  Then I was infuriated.  Cue waterworks and a hysterical phone call to my parents.  Temporary?  Respect?  Violation?  WTF?  And to top it off, let's put it out on Facebook where all my friends can see...and especially without me knowing anything thing about it!

Come to find out, my family thought us burying Bailey there was temporary.  They say they didn't know about the headstone and were stunned to find out we put one out there.  (It's been set since July...It's February now...if you haven't known about it for the last 7 months, that tells me NO ONE has been down there except for us).  After talking to an aunt, she tells me they don't mind if she's there, even though they thought it was temporary, but it's the stone they really have a problem with.  I guess she is supposed to be there without anyone knowing about it.  Taboo subject, much?

We NEVER would have buried Bailey there or put a headstone there if we thought it was disrespecting my grandparents.  NEVER!  I was always close to both grandparents and we truly thought they would want her to be there with them.  We never buried her there with the intentions of it being temporary.  The only instance in which we ever talked about moving her was if something ever happened to me or Adam early in life.  If something happened, we talked about the possibility of moving her to be next to the other.  But, we never thought we would have to move her because my family is causing a stink about it.  We understand we put everyone in a VERY tough spot when we asked if we could bury her there.  But, even with the situation as it was, if they didn't want it to happen, someone should have said so...the whole situation already sucked...I don't think it could have gotten much worse.

I talked to the uncle who posted the comment on Friday evening and told him that it was crappy that he put it on Facebook. He should have called me. He proceeded to tell me that the comment was private. When I told him all of my friends could see it, he responded with "Only if they click on the picture". Well, yes, that is true, but it still can be viewed! And that just isn't how it should have been handled! I told him we are having her moved, and I'm done.  His response..."Ok, thanks for calling".  So, I am done.  Done meaning, I am cutting ties.  Don't call me, don't visit me, don't think about me.  I'm DONE.So, now...21 1/2 months later, we are making plans to have Bailey moved.  We have options because Adam's grandpa had bought an extra plot for his second wife, but she was buried elsewhere and that plot was left "for any Southerland to use".  My mamaw (my dad's mom and only surviving grandparent) has offered us one of the extra plots she has.  She bought extras and is in the process of having my papaw moved from Missouri.  My best friend's mom (she's Ma to me, and has been since I was 10) even offered us her spot because she doesn't plan on being buried.  So, we have options, which I am grateful for.  My mom's side has even said my grandparents had bought extra plots and they would like to offer one of those to us.  We are not taking that option because we don't want anything from them.  We don't want anything to be held over our heads.  And whose to say in another 2 years that someone won't come back and say "Well, that was just supposed to be temporary too".

Having a child die is hands down THE worst thing I think a person could go through.  It isn't the natural order of things.  To make the decision to bury or cremate your child is tough.  But, to bury your baby and then later have to have her dug up and moved because of your "family"...I just have no words for that.

Things will never be the same with any of them.  Even if we can get "over" this, the next time I see anybody, I am always going to wonder what the thoughts are.  There will always be the hurt feelings.  There will always be the huge pink elephant in the room and it will be this subject.

If you made it through this, you are wonderful.  But, my question to you as a reader, and please answer honestly: 

What would you have done?  How would you have reacted?  Do you think I overreacted or am acting childish?