Sixteen/Sixteen

Sixteen...two different ways this word hits home today.

Sixteen months since we said goodbye to our precious Bailey.

Sixteen days til we say hello (hopefully) to our rainbow baby Cameron.

I've never been one to figure out when numbers or paths would cross.  But, it hit me yesterday with this one on the way home.  I wasn't even really thinking about it (not in the fore front anyways), but apparently something in my subconscious was thinking about it.

It's amazing...16 months have seem like they have flown by...I can't believe it's been 16 months since our precious little girl grew her wings.  But, yet it's amazing that the next 16 days are probably going to draaaag by before we can meet our beautiful rainbow.

Time is an interesting thing.

21 days to go!

34 weeks today!  Hooray!  It's been an eventful week and I'm exhausted.  Where do I begin?  Okay, okay...let's start with the picture of the belly...Cameron is hanging out most definitely!

Okay - now that I have that taken care of...let's talk about my week...It's been a long one.  Let's start with last Friday and work from there...

Friday - Got put on antibiotics because my Dr.'s office thought I might have an infection.  Turns out, I don't, so now I get to take 7 days worth of antibiotics.  Tomorrow morning is my last 2 pills!

This weekend was rather normal.  We went to Babies R Us and bought some of the remaining items we needed.  Sunday we met a couple of friends that we haven't seen in a while and had lunch.  It was great to catch up with them.  Sunday evening, Adam had a business meeting for a side job, so we went to that.  And then, here comes Monday...

Monday morning - I got to work and didn't feel well.  I felt off and I was having pain, so we made the trip to L&D.  We had a nurse that for a lack of a better term was really just kind of a bitch.  I was NOT impressed.  This nurse made the nurse that put us through the ringer for our NST seem like a saint (which by the way...after talking to my Dr., we found out that the NST nurse is just VERY thorough).  So, Nurse B (her name really did start with a B, but you can insert the other word if you prefer) asked questions, but didn't ask the right questions...

Number of pregnancies?  4
Number of births?  This will be our second
Your having pain?  Yes, all in the front.
Is it normal pregnancy pain?  I wouldn't know...I've never been this far.  (The more sarcastic side of me wanted to say "If I knew it was normal, do you think I would be here?!).
What else are you here for?  I don't feel well...I feel off.
Off.  Hmph.

I was done with her at that point.  She had that crappy, insincere smile on her face, and that made me mad too.  Dr. W (who was on duty and is also the same Dr. that delivered Bailey) ordered a BPP and measurement scan.  It took the u/s tech FOREVER!  Honestly, I think I fell asleep while waiting on her.  The screen on the machine was horrible, and we couldn't see anything.  Tech at the hospital got Cameron measuring right on track...that concerned me, because our MFM has had her measuring ahead by 2 weeks for our last 3 appointments.  Dr. L (my Dr.) told us to go by what the MFM's office has said, because the machines at the hospital are terrible.

Cameron was a lazy baby during her BPP, so she didn't not get points for making big movements.  I still didn't feel well, so Dr. W came in and said that I might possibly be dehydrated, so they were going to stick me on some IV fluids...took them 3 tries...I LOVE my veins.  :P  We stayed to be monitored all afternoon and to get more fluids in me.  Fortunately, we were moved out Triage and given a different nurse...because if I would have stayed, I probably would have been exceptionally hateful to Nurse B.

I felt better when we left but was exhausted.  And I wasn't allowed to go back to work until I saw Dr. L on Wednesday afternoon. 

Dr. L let me go back to work starting today, so I am back to work and everything is somewhat normal.

We did however pack our bags for the hospital!  I'm glad to have it done, and it's all ready to go should we need to leave immediately.

By this time, in 3 weeks, we will hopefully be holding a healthy, living, breathing baby...and I'm excited, anxious, and nervous all wrapped up in one!

Call Us the Conversation Killers

Over the span of the first year after Bailey's death, we really did not get the "kids question" very much.  In fact, the first time I got the question was closer to the end of 2010.  Adam had gotten it once or twice, but not many.

Now, being VERY pregnant, we have gotten the question MANY times...and here's how the conversations go:

How much longer do you have?  Insert time here until September 15th...
Is this your first?  No, it's our second.
How old is your first?  She passed shortly after birth.
Oh my gosh...I'm so sorry.

Insert cricket noises here, because the conversation normally goes completely silent after that.  But, the fact of the matter is...this is our second baby.  But, I REFUSE to answer the question and tell people this is our first.  I feel like I am not doing Bailey justice if I say that Cameron is our first.

Today, the conversation with a woman who was showing us where something was in Best Buy went exactly the way I just listed it.  After she walked off, I looked at Adam and said "Wow, are we conversation killers, or what?".  We both laughed...yes, morbid sense of humor there, but what else can you do?  We looked at what we needed to look at, and then we moved on.  We checked out (Adam bought Portal 2) and headed outside.  We carried on with the conversation about how we have really killed some conversations with innocent, unknowing strangers, who asked what "should be" a simple question.

But, it's not a simple question.  And it definitely doesn't have a simple answer.  But, let me tell you, that's the quickest way to cease a conversation.

And I bet we continue to get the question after Miss Cameron arrives and comes home (hopefully).  And the answer will remain the same.  Forever and always.

**Sweet baby girl, mommy and daddy will never leave you out of our kid count.  You are our sweet forever baby, and you will always count.**

Bailey's Memorial Stone

Last week, Bailey's memorial was placed.  We started the process in April, but had some decisions to make, and then went back and finally started putting the pencil to the paper. 

The woman who worked with us on the headstone was so kind.  She was always willing to meet us on Saturdays (when they are normally closed), so it would be convenient for us, and so we wouldn't have to take more time off work.  Even when Adam was the one who was doing majority of the traveling and making decisions (we designed it together and then there were just a few minor things he had to do), she always asked how Cameron and I were doing. 

After a couple of months, lots of decisions...here is the final product.  We couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out.  It is perfect for our sweet Bailey and is the perfect memorial for her final resting place. 

Her memorial has her birthdate/DOD with the time she was born and the time she died. The footprints is an image of her actual footprints, and the saying at the bottom says "An hour in this world...forever in our hearts". This phrase we have engraved on picture frames that were given to both sets of grandparents and I have it engraved on a frame I keep in my office.


Sorry for the rather terrible picture...the sun was setting and made it hard to get a decent one.  We hope to be down that way again soon and in the morning so we can get better pictures.

32 Weeks!

This post is only a couple of days late...I meant to write it on Thursday when I actually hit 32 weeks, but I find of forgot...Oops!

I have to admit...31 weeks made me nervous.  I know too many people who have had their babies at 31 weeks, and even though all babies are doing wonderfully, I just didn't want to join that group!  So to be past the 31 week range, helped me breathe a little sigh of relief.

Since making it to 32 weeks, what have we gotten accomplished?  I have gotten both of the steroid shots, which were planned, just in case I do happen to have Miss Cameron earlier than the planned 37 week delivery.  Honestly, I have heard many people say how much those shots hurt...I thought they were both a piece of cake.  My weekly P17 shot hurts more on most weeks than those did. 

We hung up Cameron's letters in her room.  This is a HUGE step for us.  We have now personalized her room to the point where it.is.hers.  The nursery started out as being planned as the nursery.  When we were pregnant with Bailey, it was going to be Bailey's room, but we never got a chance to personalize it.  There were a few clothes we had bought for her, but nothing with her name on it.  Then after she died, it because "the nursery" again. 

Now, there are letters hanging on a wall in there that specifically say Cameron!  It is HER room.  My dear BLM and friend, Jessica Malloy at Crafty Creations handpainted Miss Cameron's letters for us, and they look wonderful!  She is so creative and I recommend her to anyone!

Close(r) up picture of the letters on the wall

Picture with the other decorations I got at one of my showers

I have finished Cameron's blanket I have been knitting for her.  Adam chose the color, so it's purple of course, but I think it looks very nice!  I am very excited to have it finished, because I think it's a blanket I would like to take to the hospital to use as the backdrop for her hospital pictures.  Now I just need to choose her picture outfit!

Closer up picture and the blanket is folded in quarters

Blanket is laid out on the couch...excuse my feet at the bottom.  :)

Since finishing Cameron's blanket, I have started working on Adam's blanket that I bought the material for in 2008.  It's John Deere...and honestly, I haven't been to excited to work on it...lol

And finally, pictures from this week of the ever growing belly!

She's in there and she's growing!

My view!

We are getting closer, but we aren't out of the woods until she is here, safe and sound, alive and breathing, and being loved on by all the people who have anticipated her arrival for so long.

I Feel Like a Burden

I've said it before and I'll say it again...pregnancy after loss is HARD.  I feel like such a burden.  We are being seen by 2 Dr.'s, being seen by my regular Dr. once a week (and have been since week 10), having NSTs done twice a week, and I still am in constant worry.

Today, we went to have our NST done at noon.  By noon, Cameron hadn't moved much, but she passed her NST with no problem.  But, it seems like none of the nurses understand why we are already having NSTs and really why.  But all are sympathetic when they hear about Bailey.

We went through the rest of the day, and as I am sitting on the couch writing thank you notes to all the wonderful people who have given us gifts for Miss Cameron, I started thinking that really I haven't felt Cameron very much all day.

So, I called the nurses line because since I had the NST earlier, I didn't know if they wanted me to go back in or not to be monitored.  She patched me through to my Dr. and she said if we are worried then to go ahead and go in.  I felt awful, because she was talking to her child and telling him/her that it was time to go to bed. 

After I got off the phone with her, I just lost it.  Because honestly, no matter how much I can picture bringing Cameron home, I cannot stop worrying that something horrible is going to happen in the next 6 weeks.  I imagine the worst still.  And I think at times:  I've had a 1st trimester and 2nd trimester loss...am I going to have a 3rd trimester loss too?  And then I sit there and think about why I am tormenting myself asking things that I have no control over.  But, the imagination runs.  But, I told Adam I hate feeling like I am such a burden to everyone.  I can imagine the nurses all running away when they hear my name up on second floor triage.  And I do...I feel like a burden.

We got to the hospital and Cameron started moving around some, so we came home.  We'll see what tomorrow hold for us, and see if she is more awake.

Does the constant worry ever go away?