I've said it before and I'll say it again...pregnancy after loss is HARD. I feel like such a burden. We are being seen by 2 Dr.'s, being seen by my regular Dr. once a week (and have been since week 10), having NSTs done twice a week, and I still am in constant worry.
Today, we went to have our NST done at noon. By noon, Cameron hadn't moved much, but she passed her NST with no problem. But, it seems like none of the nurses understand why we are already having NSTs and really why. But all are sympathetic when they hear about Bailey.
We went through the rest of the day, and as I am sitting on the couch writing thank you notes to all the wonderful people who have given us gifts for Miss Cameron, I started thinking that really I haven't felt Cameron very much all day.
So, I called the nurses line because since I had the NST earlier, I didn't know if they wanted me to go back in or not to be monitored. She patched me through to my Dr. and she said if we are worried then to go ahead and go in. I felt awful, because she was talking to her child and telling him/her that it was time to go to bed.
After I got off the phone with her, I just lost it. Because honestly, no matter how much I can picture bringing Cameron home, I cannot stop worrying that something horrible is going to happen in the next 6 weeks. I imagine the worst still. And I think at times: I've had a 1st trimester and 2nd trimester loss...am I going to have a 3rd trimester loss too? And then I sit there and think about why I am tormenting myself asking things that I have no control over. But, the imagination runs. But, I told Adam I hate feeling like I am such a burden to everyone. I can imagine the nurses all running away when they hear my name up on second floor triage. And I do...I feel like a burden.
We got to the hospital and Cameron started moving around some, so we came home. We'll see what tomorrow hold for us, and see if she is more awake.
Does the constant worry ever go away?