Sunday, May 30, 2010

One month....

It's been one month...one month since we said hello and goodbye. Some days it feels like it has been an eternity since...other days it feels like it was just yesterday.

My niece Desiree just turned one years old...and as we had her birthday party yesterday, all I could think about was that we were about to be passing the one month mark of Bailey's birth and death.

I found myself getting sadder and sadder as I realized we would never get to celebrate any birthdays with Bailey. We will never get to watch her make a mess with a cake or open her first gifts. We will never get to experience the "firsts" with her. The only "firsts" we get are the "first" Mother's Day without our Bailey here with us...the "first" month angelversary...the "first" time to go put flowers on her grave on Memorial Day...the "first" Father's Day without her here...the "first" holidays without her. Not the "firsts" I imagined having...no parent imagines that.

Today, we went to church for the first time in a while. And on the month month anniversary after losing Bailey, something rang out very loud and clear. Part of the sermon was about how we don't get to permanently stay on the mountaintop. Just like how we have to come down off of the mountaintop and can't always stay at the peak...life and faith is the same way. It has its peaks and its valleys. Most of the time we cruise on the flat surface...sometimes we are on the peak, and sometimes we falter and are in the valley. But, when we are in the valley God always finds a way to reach to us and pull us out.

Recently, in what I consider the "valley" in my life with the loss of my daughter, my faith had also hit a "valley". I couldn't understand how God could take away something so precious as my baby...I couldn't understand why he chose her. I was angry. And I'm not going to lie...I'm still angry and don't understand. Deep down, I understood there is a bigger plan, but it wasn't until I sat there today that I realized I was so lost and confused. Then I couldn't help but wonder if all of this happened to get my attention? Was that the purpose? I guess I won't know until it's my time...

But I understand I need to have a little more faith. Faith that everything will work out...faith that someday we will have the "take-home" baby we so desire...faith that Bailey will have a little brother or sister...faith that even though I don't understand the bigger plan to just trust.

I still have a long ways to go...grieving is such a complex process...and during this process I am having to rediscover who I am...but the person who is emerging from this horrible, tragic experience is a strong person...A strong person who finally understood on the one month anniversary of my child's death that even though I am sad, angry, and currently in my life am traveling through a very deep valley with bumpy roads, and a steep hill to climb to get out, but that God will always reach out to offer a loving hand to pull us out...

And I'm on the uphill climb...

1 comments:

Violet1122 said...

Hi Danae,

I'm so sorry you lost your little Bailey. I love her pictures - she is so adorable! And her tiny feet!! She is too cute for words.

I, too, am struggling with God and baby loss. I don't have any answers. I don't have any words to share that will lessen your pain. But know that I'm thinking of you - and I'm wishing you some peace.