Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Exhausted

I'm back to working full time, and I am exhausted. Yesterday, my whole body ached by the time I got home. Adam and I went to bed at 8:30 because we were both so tired. Today, I found it hard to focus because I'm so worn out. I still find myself in the evenings getting wound up and finding it hard to sleep. Or only sleeping for a couple of hours before waking up and not sleeping the rest of the night. I find it hard to go to bed without a sleeping pill, for fear that I will not sleep.

Friday marks our 5 year wedding anniversary, and also the 5 week anniversary of Bailey's birth and passing. I keep thinking about the latter the closer and closer the date gets.

I feel so consumed with all the emotions I feel. I have been trying my hardest to think positively and not have negative thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if all the worries and negative thoughts got me to where I am today. Was I so negative and worrisome with my pregnancy that the negative thoughts just took over and consumed everything we worked so hard to get? That's how I feel some days.

Physically and emotionally I am worn out...It's just all so hard.

2 comments:

Kristin said...

I'll be thinking of (and praying for!) you, your husband, and sweet Bailey on Friday. I love the new photo you posted of her (the black and white one). She is so beautiful.

Violet1122 said...

I'm sorry you are having trouble sleeping. It doesn't help matters when you feel tired all the time!

Don't fall into the trap I sometimes fall into! Worrying and feeling anxious was not the reason you lost your little Bailey. I've spent months and months feeling guilty about those same thoughts, and I still struggle with it, to be honest. But it breaks my heart to think you might be feeling bad about that too.

My advice is - don't feel like there is a right way or wrong way right now. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you feel sad and negative, don't beat yourself up about it. Embrace the times you feel OK, and give yourself permission to feel bad too.

((Big Hugs)) I'll be thinking of you...