Today has been difficult...it has been no different than any other day since I've been back to work, but Bailey has been on my mind more (if that's possible) today.
I realized this morning, that last night should have been our first birthing class. Now, I can only imagine what it would be like. I will never have a need to go through a birthing class. Any future pregnancies will be repeat c-sections. I don't need for them to tell me what it's going to be like. I've been there, done that, sang that song. Now, I can only imagine...
Tomorrow is our 5 year wedding anniversary. And I had been planning for the last few months to be pregnant and expect to be tired, but would still go out to dinner and movie. I imagined that Bailey would be awake and kicking during the movie. Now, I can only imagine what it would have been like, and experience what it IS like. And it's different.
Today, I imagined what future pregnancies would be like. I know I'll worry, and I'll be scared. But I also think I will be more open. I imagine letting people touch my growing belly next time and not getting frustrated at them. I imagine documenting every little thing that happens. I imagine taking the belly pictures. I imagine living in that moment, and not letting it slip away.
I imagine and plan for all of these things. I didn't let people touch my belly with Bailey. It was too personal and too in my "bubble". Now, I wish I would have let them. I documented different things with my pregnancy with Bailey, but didn't start until around week 9 or 10 because I was so afraid. I didn't take any belly pictures with Bailey because I'm overweight and didn't want to look like the "fat girl" taking a picture of her belly when no one could really tell it was a precious little girl growing in there.
All the plans for next time, but I wish it really was now. But, I can only imagine at this point, what 28 weeks felt like. I can only imagine hearing Bailey's little cry. I can only imagine holding a happy little girl who would come home with me. I can only imagine the firsts. I can only imagine all the hopes and dreams I had for her.
I can only imagine.....