Thursday, June 3, 2010

I can only imagine....

Today has been difficult...it has been no different than any other day since I've been back to work, but Bailey has been on my mind more (if that's possible) today.

I realized this morning, that last night should have been our first birthing class. Now, I can only imagine what it would be like. I will never have a need to go through a birthing class. Any future pregnancies will be repeat c-sections. I don't need for them to tell me what it's going to be like. I've been there, done that, sang that song. Now, I can only imagine...

Tomorrow is our 5 year wedding anniversary. And I had been planning for the last few months to be pregnant and expect to be tired, but would still go out to dinner and movie. I imagined that Bailey would be awake and kicking during the movie. Now, I can only imagine what it would have been like, and experience what it IS like. And it's different.

Today, I imagined what future pregnancies would be like. I know I'll worry, and I'll be scared. But I also think I will be more open. I imagine letting people touch my growing belly next time and not getting frustrated at them. I imagine documenting every little thing that happens. I imagine taking the belly pictures. I imagine living in that moment, and not letting it slip away.

I imagine and plan for all of these things. I didn't let people touch my belly with Bailey. It was too personal and too in my "bubble". Now, I wish I would have let them. I documented different things with my pregnancy with Bailey, but didn't start until around week 9 or 10 because I was so afraid. I didn't take any belly pictures with Bailey because I'm overweight and didn't want to look like the "fat girl" taking a picture of her belly when no one could really tell it was a precious little girl growing in there.

All the plans for next time, but I wish it really was now. But, I can only imagine at this point, what 28 weeks felt like. I can only imagine hearing Bailey's little cry. I can only imagine holding a happy little girl who would come home with me. I can only imagine the firsts. I can only imagine all the hopes and dreams I had for her.

I can only imagine.....

2 comments:

Kristin said...

I hate that we will both only have the "what ifs" and "should have beens" with our sweet little girls. Great post. Thinking of you friend.

Julie said...

i, too, regret not taking any belly shots. when kenny died i had just started looking pregnant instead of just fatter. there are so many things i regret, and that i intend to do differently next time. i have not yet caught up on reading your entire blog, but i am touched and inspired by your positive outlook.

god bless bailey.