Lately it feels like I have 3 obsessions...
First, I am obsessed with Bailey. This is probably a given. I'm obsessed with seeing her name, looking at her pictures, and dreaming of the happy ending that should have came with her story instead of the horrible ending that left me heartbroken and empty. I'm obsessed with the "What might have beens" and the "what ifs". I'm obsessed with talking about her...even if no one wants to listen. I'm obsessed with any facet of my life that might have to do with her...and most of it does.
Second, I am obsessed with my weight...I think it's because it's the one thing in my life right now that I can control. I went back to Weight Watchers 2 weeks after Bailey was born. I am not far away from having lost everything I gained during pregnancy, and then I want to keep going. I began Weight Watchers prior to getting pregnant with Bailey, and I think the 30 pounds I lost in 3 months is what helped us to finally conceive her. I had always intended on going back after she born and getting myself down to a healthy weight so I could be a fun and active mom instead of one who was too tired to do anything. So, 4 weeks ago, I went back...without having Bailey to show as a reason for my leave...and now I find myself more obsessed with my weight. I made a promise to Bailey to lose weight and get healthy so I am going to keep that promise. I want her to be proud of me, and know I didn't give up and I kept my promise.
Third, I am obsessed with working on the "Rose Garden" and my blog. It's the only thing I want to do in the evenings when I get home, and I'm happy to finally be doing something for others. I need to channel my energy into something productive, because otherwise I would either sit and watch the many "nothings" on t.v. or I would play on the computer to no end. And between working on names and blogging about my feelings, it's been very therapeutic.
Yes, I seem obsessed and I really probably am. I would rather be obsessed with my daughter, a promise I made to my daughter, and something that I have started because of my daughter, than to forget, break a promise and let myself go, and not do anything. And even though she's not here with us, I'm still living for her.