Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Obsessions

Lately it feels like I have 3 obsessions...


First, I am obsessed with Bailey. This is probably a given. I'm obsessed with seeing her name, looking at her pictures, and dreaming of the happy ending that should have came with her story instead of the horrible ending that left me heartbroken and empty. I'm obsessed with the "What might have beens" and the "what ifs". I'm obsessed with talking about her...even if no one wants to listen. I'm obsessed with any facet of my life that might have to do with her...and most of it does.

Second, I am obsessed with my weight...I think it's because it's the one thing in my life right now that I can control. I went back to Weight Watchers 2 weeks after Bailey was born. I am not far away from having lost everything I gained during pregnancy, and then I want to keep going. I began Weight Watchers prior to getting pregnant with Bailey, and I think the 30 pounds I lost in 3 months is what helped us to finally conceive her. I had always intended on going back after she born and getting myself down to a healthy weight so I could be a fun and active mom instead of one who was too tired to do anything. So, 4 weeks ago, I went back...without having Bailey to show as a reason for my leave...and now I find myself more obsessed with my weight. I made a promise to Bailey to lose weight and get healthy so I am going to keep that promise. I want her to be proud of me, and know I didn't give up and I kept my promise.

Third, I am obsessed with working on the "Rose Garden" and my blog. It's the only thing I want to do in the evenings when I get home, and I'm happy to finally be doing something for others. I need to channel my energy into something productive, because otherwise I would either sit and watch the many "nothings" on t.v. or I would play on the computer to no end. And between working on names and blogging about my feelings, it's been very therapeutic.

Yes, I seem obsessed and I really probably am. I would rather be obsessed with my daughter, a promise I made to my daughter, and something that I have started because of my daughter, than to forget, break a promise and let myself go, and not do anything. And even though she's not here with us, I'm still living for her.

5 comments:

Violet1122 said...

I think all three of those things are good obsessions. There is no way to be overly-obsessed with your baby!

Congrats on the Weight Watchers - that takes a lot of determination. I think that it helped me too, to lose some weight before I got pregnant (twice) in the last year.

Lisette said...

I think those obsessions are rightly so. I know you will never get enough of Bailey, she is a just a little beauty.

Wishing you all the best on weight watchers. Maybe I should get on that, I could afford to loose some weight. Big ((HUGS)) to you.

Lucid Anne said...

I completely relate. I just started a new diet and started running again (I lost 50 lbs in 2009 before I got pregnant with Valentina, but then I gained EIGHTY lbs with her.) I've lost at least 40 lbs since giving birth, so that's fantastic, but I have so much more to lose still. And its giving me something to control.

I really love the rose garden. I keep trying to think of something I can offer people... no one knows how comforting these things are like we do. One thing I've been doing is mentally dedicating my violin performances to different angel babies... but its nothing I can show anyone, its just something I do emotionally.

mistyladawn said...

those are good obsessions. it's a healing process. I wish you the best nae!

Julie said...

i have been obsessed with working on kenny's scrapbook, collecting poems and bible verses for his memorial service, spending time on the babyloss boards, everyone's blogs and now my own. i also have been completely obsessed with my "to-do" list. i am a teacher on summer vacation and haven't had a single day of sitting in front of the tv doing nothing. i go to the gym every weekday (i, too, have a good bit of weight to lose), ride bikes w/ my teacher girlfriends, work on kenny's scrapbook, catch up on sewing projects, clean out closets, sort through old stuff to take to goodwill, and in general, just stay busy every minute. it has been SO good for me.

i'm glad you have found healthy, therapeutic, productive things to be obsessed with!