Friday, June 25, 2010

Drained

I haven't had a week like this since my first week back at work. I am physically and emotionally drained. I've been back to work for 6 weeks, and this week I feel like someone has ran me over with a Mac truck, picked me up and dusted me off, threw me back out in the road, and ran me over again.

I had to train for the first time since a couple of days before Bailey's death. I knocked out 2 audits in one day for the first time since Bailey's death. I just got my first visit from "Aunt Flo" since Bailey's death. It's a week of firsts, and honestly, it's kicked my butt.

Emotionally, since Father's Day, I've been a mess. Today marks 8 weeks since Bailey's birth and death. We are rapidly approaching the 2 month mark. I've gone from very sad, to very angry, back to incredibly sad...all this week. I think I'm getting whiplash from the emotional roller coaster, because I just don't ever know where the next "turn" is going to be.

It seems like everything triggered me this week. I got so upset at a friend who is 17 weeks pregnant because she updated her Facebook status as "pregnancy is a prison sentence" and listed all of the things her Dr. told her she couldn't do. She just wrote how she felt, and I got so upset by it, and I shouldn't have. I know the world doesn't revolve around me.

I got upset at someone who hasn't been through this who told me "they understand how I feel". I wanted to scream at them "Really? Could you then clue me in please? Because I don't even understand how I feel most days."

The exhaustion...the emotions...it's all so much, and I know I've still got a looooong way to go.

Here's to saying goodbye to this week. I hope and pray for a better week next week.

4 comments:

The Griegers said...

It hurts me too when people complain about their pregnancy or about getting no sleep after bringing home their newborn. I so badly want to write "at least your baby isn't dead." I guess it takes a loss to really understand how precious those "prison moments" are. HUGS!

Lucid Anne said...

I agree with the above comment- I feel the same too, and have the same urges. And maybe someday I will even catch my own self whining again, and then I can tell myself off. ; ) <3

Drew's Parents said...

What an exhausting week you had! The pregnancy complaints get to me too. I have had to hide so many of my friends on facebook because of their happy pregnancy updates, cute baby pictures, or even mundane comments that trigger my anger and sadness. I hope that this next week is less draining for you!

Violet1122 said...

I can't believe that "pregnancy is a prison sentence" thing. What is wrong with people? Don't feel bad about being upset - the ignorance of that statement on Facebook is staggering.

You've had such a hard week, I hope this weekend is a little better for you. It's very, very hard to go to work, resume your duties there, and have to act like nothing is going on. I struggle with that at my work so often.

I don't have any advice, unfortunately. Some weeks are hell, and others not as bad. Please know I'm thinking of you...