Tomorrow is my first Communications and Manager's Meeting since the birth and death of Bailey. I haven't seen or talked to many of the managers since I've been back and I'm nervous...I dread the looks I'll get, and the pitiful tones. Most of all, I'm scared no one will say anything. I would rather have those dreaded looks and the pitiful tones than nothing. I dread the day no one says anything...no one acknowledges what I have been through...no one remembers I am a mommy...It's all in the past to them. But I think about it every day. I remember every day. I feel the heartache and the pain every day.
Today was a good day. I laughed and I smiled. When Adam told me I walked like a drunk person to bed last night after falling asleep on the couch from my Ambien, I laughed. I didn't remember it, but I found it funny. I'm nervous when having a good day. This is the closest to "normal" I have felt since Bailey left us...and that makes me nervous for what tomorrow may hold. I'm nervous it will be twice as worse as what it normally is.
I find myself weirdly getting excited about our Dr.'s appointment with the perinatologist on Wednesday. I am ready to get some answers on what will happen next time and what to expect. It means we are one step closer to being able to try again. One step closer to trying to make Bailey a big sister. One step closer to getting to be parents to a baby we get to keep here with us. But yet, I'm nervous about this too. What if they tell me things I don't want to hear? Am I ready to hear about all the "odds"? I'm I ready to hear about what we will have to do next time?
Just nervous...it all makes me nervous.