Saturday, June 19, 2010

Failed

It hasn't been a good day. The closer and closer it gets to Father's Day, the worse and worse I feel. I'm glad Adam has been busy today, because I hate when I have days like this. I know they are expected, but they are still hard.

Today, I feel like a failure. I feel like one of the things I'm supposed to be able to do in this life is to keep my child safe, and my body couldn't even handle that. I feel like my body failed me, and with that failure, ultimately I feel like I have failed.

I have thought about Father's Day...ALOT. What most people don't know is I found out about my 2nd pregnancy on Father's Day 2008, and then I miscarried 2 weeks later. Then, I felt like I had failed. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I was being punished...I know this is not true, but that's how I felt. And now, Father's Day 2010, when we should be happily expecting Bailey, my body failed me again, and now she is gone.

I've felt like I failed my husband...I've failed my family...I've failed everyone I love. In four years of trying so desperately to start a family of our own, it hasn't happened, and it's mainly because of issues with me. MY body is the one has infertility issues, MY body is the one who had a uterine septum (yes...physically impossible for Adam to have that), MY body is the one who had 2 early miscarriages before we realized what was causing them, MY body is the one that couldn't safely hold Bailey for 40 weeks even though she was a healthy, beautiful, little girl.

Because my body failed, we have experienced this horrible heartache, our families have had to experience this horrible heartache...and nothing will ever be the same.

2 comments:

Violet1122 said...

Oh Danae!

I'm sorry today has been such a terrible one for you. Father's Day can bring up extra emotions anyways, and I can see why your history can make it seem even more painful.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling a failure. I'm here to tell you it's simply not true. You are not a failure. I also want to say how sorry I am about your miscarriages and the loss of Bailey. It isn't fair at all, and they should have never happened to you.

I wish I could make your day a better one. Please know I'm here, thinking of you and praying for you.

Julie said...

i feel this way, too. i hope you have had some better days since this post.