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Friday, December 31, 2010

The Holidays and 8 months

My dearest sweet girl,

I haven't gotten a chance to write to you in a while and mommy is sorry.  I know that you know that I think about you every day and I miss you so much.  This month has been so hard because it's not the way it was "supposed" to be.

This year, the holidays were supposed to be so much different.  You and Desiree were supposed to get to open gifts together and play at grammy and grandpa's house.  You would have had the cutest little Christmas outfit.  We would have gotten your pictures done and had family pictures made and sent out cards to all our friends and family.  Mommy and Daddy would have decorated the house.  We know you wouldn't remember any of it, but we would have done it anyways.  But, instead, the only decoration we put up was the pink tree we bought for you.  Because it just didn't feel right to put anything else up.  We didn't send out any cards...I tried to write cards to all your friend's mommies, and I couldn't even find the energy to do that.  The closer it got to Christmas, the worse I felt.

We went to visit you on Christmas morning.  Your daddy and I got up early and we went and watched the sun rise from the cemetery.  So, instead of finding out what Santa brought you and smiling and laughing, we sat in the car until about 5 minutes before "sunrise" and then we stood in the freezing winds at your grave and brought in Christmas morning with you and cried.  But it was our first Christmas as a family and we couldn't leave you out.  Just as daddy couldn't leave you out of buying a Christmas gift for mommy.  You'll always be a part of us. 

Yesterday was your 8 month angelversary.  I said and did the "right" things yesterday, but I was sad.  It's mind blowing to know you have been gone for 8 months.  We are 2/3 of the way through the first year.

Today is the last day of 2010 and sweetheart, I am so ready for it to go.  This year started off as the best year.  We were pregnant with you, you were so tiny on that ultrasound screen, but on 1/3/10 we heard your heartbeat for the first time and we were so excited!   On 4/2/10, we found out you were a girl and we were even more excited!  But, on April 30, this year quickly turned from being the best year to the worst year.  You were born that day, and althought you stayed with us for a blissful 54 minutes, it just wasn't long enough.  I wanted you here for my lifetime.  I'm selfish, baby and I wanted you with me. 

Mommy and Daddy have made an important decision to end the year of heartache.  We have decided we are going to adopt, so hopefully you will have a new brother or sister soon!  They will know all about you, because you are a tremendous part of our journey to making this decision.  I hope that you understand our decision.  We are not trying to replace you, because you will never be replaceable.

I love you sweet, sweet girl, and I miss you.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

To Mom, Love Bailey and Dad

My husband and I have had our different ways of dealing with Christmas.  Me, I'm really not dealing with it this week.  Prior to this week, I dealt with it by spending hours in the gym.  My body revolted last week, so I haven't spent much time in the gym since then.  Him, he took the week off so he could ponder on how to make it as special as possible and how to incorporate Bailey into this holiday that just isn't that great for us this year.  Yesterday, while I was at work, he went shopping and when I got home last night, he told me I HAD to open my gift then, and I HAD to start with the card first.  Here is the card:

I cried...Let's face it...Adam isn't the most sentimental guy in the world, but every now and then, he does something as sweet and loving as this.  He still knows how to get to me.  Him and Bailey got me a necklace that has pink and diamond stones on it.  I have one exactly like it already, but he knew she would like it, and he knew I would like it.  I love it.  But, to end the night, he told me also posted his first personal entry on his blog.  This is what he wrote:

After Thanksgiving both my wife and I began to have sleeping difficulties. After a week or two I came to the conclusion that I was having problems sleeping because I needed to deal with something. That something I believe is the fact that my daughter is no longer here and it’s Christmas.

I’ve been thinking of how and what to do for Christmas since Bailey isn’t here. My wife and I have already decided that we aren’t decorating so we don’t have a tree or any lights outside the house. Something is missing and we don’t know how to fill the void. My first thought was to buy Bailey a toy but there is no logical reason to do so. But then…

This past week I figured out what I can do… If Bailey were here we would go Christmas shopping for Danae and she would pick out something for her. Because she couldn’t make it, I decided to go and pick something out as if she were there to help.

I went to Zales and picked out a nice necklace that has a heart that is part pink as I think Bailey would like pink. After that Bailey needed a card to go with it; after all it is her first Christmas. So we went over to Hallmark and began looking for cards… After looking at several cards and watery eyes I found just the right one.

I spent all of my available money on this one gift so let’s hope I did a good thing for Bailey.

Christmas 2010 is nothing like we planned, but thanks to my loving husband and the love he has for our daughter, it's a little more special now than what it was.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

One Year Ago

One year ago today, my Dr. confirmed my 3rd pregnancy with a blood test.  I had already gotten 2 positive HPTs...this was just my confirmation.  I remember sitting at Louie's with Taura eating lunch when Beverly called to tell me the good news.  My numbers were great and it was my first pregnancy since my surgery in September 2008.  I was very nervous and very anxious, because this was like THE test...did my surgery work?  We sure were going to find out!  At 6 weeks and 1 day, we went to the Dr. and we heard and saw the best thing in the world...there was a heartbeat!  I couldn't believe it!  I was astonished, hopeful, and yet fearful all at the same time!  This marked something we had never experienced before!

Who knew that 17 short weeks after that joyous moment, we would be experiencing my the most devastating and heartbreaking of moments? 

But one year ago today I was happy, life was good, and all was right in my world.  It's hard to believe a year from that one moment has gone by...