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Saturday, October 30, 2010

6 months

Dear favorite little girl of mine,
Where have the past 6 months gone?  I can hardly fathom that it has been a half of a year since we held you in our arms for the first and last time.  It's been half a year since we heard those awful words "I'm sorry...she didn't make it".  There have been lots of tears, lots of heartache, but there are starting to be more smiles and laughter.  Some days, it feels like the last 1/2 a year has been creeping along and other days it feels like it has flown by.

But, baby girl, in half a year, your mommy has grown to be a better person, and I know it's because of you. 

Today, on your 6 month angelversary, I did something I haven't ever done.  I RAN my first 5K (3.1 miles) nonstop on the treadmill at the gym this morning.  I thought of you the entire time.  Every time I wanted to give up, I thought of you, and thought of how I wanted to reach this milestone on a day that is special, and I kept at it.  I know you were cheering me on...I could feel it.  And I know you are proud of me...I can feel that too.  And sweet little girl, mommy is proud of herself for once too. 

I've been working hard to keep the promise I made to you.  I'm still working on my weight loss and working on getting into shape so I can be an active, fun mom.  Running that 5K this morning shows some of my hard work.  The 61 pounds I have lost shows the other part of it.  I'm trying so hard to live my life better so your siblings can have a better mommy...and it's all because of you.

I love you so much my precious little girl and I miss you so much. 

Loving you always,

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Need your help!

My dearest sisters,

There is a new mom who has joined this horrible journey that we all traveling.  She lost her son at 13 weeks, and she has been looking for someplace that does something like a "Certificate of Life" or anything that acknowledges her son's presence, even if the time was brief.

Have any of you found something like that?  If so, could you send me the information so I can get it to her?

Your help is always appreciated!

Much love to you all,

P.S.  Sorry I haven't been around much still...I've been on a huge reading kick, and we've been watching a TON of NCIS...I'm soooooo hooked!

Sunday, October 10, 2010


I was in the shower, having a pity party for myself the other morning, and having a "Why Me?" day.  I was thinking of accomplishments and things I have done in my short 27 years.

I was a straight A student all the way through high school.  I graduated as one of four valedictorians (probably spelled wrong) in my graduating class.

I have been part of the employed people since turning 16.  I worked full time during high school and college.  I even worked 2 jobs after getting married, just for extra income to put back for savings.

I was the first grandchild on my dad's side to go to college, and graduate. 

I am married to a fantastic and wonderful man, who I love with all my heart and soul.

I have a good job that I enjoy on most days.

I have friends who care about me and are there for me.

But, why can't I be a mom?  Why can't I have a baby who gets to live and gets to stay with me?  Why?  Why has this journey been soooooo incredibly long and soooooo incredibly painful?  Why does something that should be so easy, have to be so hard?  And why does it happen to good people?  I'm not perfect, and I know that, and I know no one is, but all of you I have met on this journey are so special in your own way, and each of your stories have touched my heart, and I always wonder, why us?

Just was having one of those days.  Thank goodness today wasn't it, but I wasn't in a place I could write this when I was feeling it.

Pity party, party of one, has taken place and is over.  Sorry to be Debbie Downer tonight.

Friday, October 8, 2010

23 weeks

Today is one of those days.  To be completely honest, I haven't thought about the number of weeks it's been that Bailey's been gone since after week 8.  It was easier to keep up with the months, and the weeks just kept slipping by. 

But this morning was different.  On my way to work, I started thinking about the weeks.  And when I counted the weeks, I figured out that it has been 23 weeks since Bailey was born, and she died.  Today is the day that she has been gone just as long as she was here with us.

It's an incredibly weird feeling to hit this mark.  And it's also an incredibly empty feeling. 

Why did I think about this today?  Mother's intuition I guess.  And I have to admit, this kind of intuition sucks majorly.  I want the normal mommy intuition.