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Monday, April 30, 2012

Bailey's 2nd Birthday

The anxiety leading up to today has been overwhelming.  Has it really been two years?  I just can't believe it.  Adam and I were talking on our way home from my mom's birthday dinner last night and I made the comment that there are many days that I still can't believe that this is our life.  He agreed.

Sleep was a rarity last night, and what little bit I got was not restful...Adam didn't sleep much either.  And at 3:33 a.m. this morning, my eyes popped open...and I came apart.  I typed my Happy Birthday post to Bailey on Facebook and cried as I posted it.  And it was absolutely fitting that it was pouring down rain this morning as I remembered everything that happened on that fateful day.  Every time a text message came in, a facebook comment was posted, a picture or a video was posted, the tears flowed. 

Finally today, Bailey was also moved to her final resting place on this Earth.  She is no longer at the foot of my Grandma's grave.  And even though, I have no doubt that my Grandma would have been honored for her to be there (stone and all), I no longer have to worry about the drama.  We really wanted her and her stone moved before her birthday so we could put out flowers and it all came together.  Her stone was moved on Friday and she was moved this morning.  Because everything is done, we were able to go out to visit and put out her flowers.

We went to Hobby Lobby and picked out the flowers we wanted and Adam got his cat tails to add to the bouquets...those will always be included in her birthday bouquets.  It's his thing...and I love that he has a special thing just for her.

We put them out while Cameron tried to eat dirt and we stood and just held each other while the tears flowed.  It's so hard to believe this is who we are...this is our lives.

2 candles lit for her 2nd Birthday

Cameron and Daddy try to figure out how the wreath goes in the ground.

New flowers for her final Earthly resting place.

My Dear Sweet Bailey,

Baby girl, I can't believe it's been 2 years since you left us.  So much has happened in two years...but we still miss you like crazy.  I remember everything about the day you were born.  I remember holding you in my arms, and being overwhelmed with such incredible love for you and at the same time, being overwhelmed by such incredible sadness because you couldn't stay.

Two years ago, you gave me the most precious gift of my made me a mom.  I know had you not left us, you never could have sent us your sweet sister.  I know you watch out for her every day.  As the butterflies were in the yard this weekend, I wondered if you and your friends came to visit.  I know you have so many friends up there, because I am blessed to be friends with their mommies.

I know you are having the best party up in Heaven today.  I know you are enjoying some cake and ice cream and loving every single bit of it.  The Heavens were crying this morning as mommy cried too. 

You are such an amazing little girl and I am blessed that you are mine.

Sweet girl, please keep your sister safe and watch out for her.  We tell her about you all the time and she will know that you are watching out for her.

Happy 2nd Birthday my precious little girl!  Mommy, Daddy, and Cameron love you so much and so do so many others.  Your short time here on Earth has affected so many others and you are so incredibly loved.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Storms, Tornadoes, and Better Weather

Everything changes when you become a parent...EVERYTHING.  And it doesn't matter if it's being a parent to a living or deceased child.  It all still changes.  You are no longer just looking out for's so much more than that.

Friday, a tornado touched down less than a mile from where I work.  My entire 4 story building made their way to the basement.  I've lived in Oklahoma 28 years and I can only remember a handful of times of going to a cellar or basement...Two of those times being in the last year...Last year I was pregnant with Cameron and this year we have her here.

As Adam and I watched the weather all throughout Friday evening and the talk of more storms and the talk of deadly tornadoes, we decided to pack up and go to my parent's mamaw lives a block away and she has a storm shelter should we need it.  So at 9:00 at night, we are packing a suitcase for me, a bag for Cameron, and gathering her things to spend 2 nights at my parent's house.  As a parent to a living child now, her safety was my one concern, and I wanted to make sure she would be fine.

As we were packing everything, Adam asked me this question:  "Should our house blow away this weekend and we come home to nothing, what in this house can you not live without?".  There was only one response "Bailey's tub...everything else is replaceable".  Bailey's tub...That encompasses a lot of stuff...Bailey's tub contains her memory box from the hospital that has her outfit and hat that she wore at the hospital.  It also has other things that were hers that I wanted to make sure we knew where they were.  So, it got loaded in the car too.  As a parent to a deceased child, the safety of that box/tub was a major concern.  It has irreplaceable items that were hers...the only things we have that actually belong to her.

Fortunately for us, the storms were rain and strong winds, but no tornadoes in our area.  Other parts were not as fortunate, and my heart goes out to those communities.  We still stayed at my parent's house for Friday night and Saturday night, just to play it safe though.  One of the first things on our agenda is to get a storm shelter.

On Sunday, Cameron turned 7 months old, and it rained for a good hour at my parent's I took it as the perfect time for some pictures!

Someone just woke up...sleepy girl!

Ball...check!  Foot...check!  Clean diaper...well, we're working on it!

 She sticks her tongue out at everything nowadays....

Picture with mommy!  Excuse my wet and unbrushed hair...

I can feed myself!

7 month picture with her Hello Kitty Dog

7 month picture by herself.  I couldn't get her to sit still!

Yesterday was beautiful weather though and Cameron was not extremely thrilled to be inside, so as Adam was using the tiller in my flower bed (we're re-doing the whole thing), Cameron and I went outside.  She loved being out on the front porch and she was being so cute that I couldn't help but take more pictures!

Happy girl with her teeth shining through!

 Sitting on the porch and hanging out!

 Tongue is out again!

 Taking a picture with my happy girl!

 She stuck her tongue so I thought I should too!  My phone started slipping before I snapped the picture!

It's so much easier when she's in a good mood and happy!  I love her even when she's a grump though!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Time to Play Catch Up!

I have been such a horrible blogger.  Let's just say that 2012 has been rather stressful.  January started off with me finding out my job was going to be eliminated.  That was just fantastic let me tell you.  I was never in danger of any kind of lay off, but those who were displaced had to find other jobs and that just stressed me out because I enjoy my job (most days).

February brought on the drama of having to make the decision to move Bailey and her headstone.  We quickly got that resolved and figured out what we are going to do.  All paperwork has been approved to have her moved, we just need the weather to cooperate with us a little bit so we can get the headstone moved, and then she will be moved at or around the same time.  Bailey will be next to where my mamaw will be and my papaw has been moved from Missouri as of last week too.  Adam and I bought the lot on the North side of my mamaw and papaw's lot, so one of us will eventually be buried next to Bailey too.

Here are some pictures from February!  Bows in the face, chilling on daddy, her 5 month picture, wearing her "Little Sister" outfit from Allison, Josh, Genevieve, and Drew, ready for a walk with mommy and daddy, and in her Valentine's outfit.

March - I decided to just lay low.  With Cameron turning 6 months, getting teeth (she has both of her bottom teeth now!), having a 6 month photo shoot (got some REALLY cute pictures, but I have no digital copies to post), and everything in between - we just needed to chill.  Cameron had her 6 month appointment - she weighed in at 20 pounds 7.5 ounces (98th percentile) and was 26.5 inches (77th percentile).  She thought playing with the paper on the bed/table was too fun!

Here are some pictures from March! I stood her up in her crib and just hung out like that, bathtime and a climpse of the 2 bottom teeth, playing with her Hello Kitty dog, St. Patrick's Day outfits (one for mommy and one for daddy), how she starts off in her crib...and then how she ends up, and her 6 month picture!


April is now here - Bailey's month.  Last year was so different.  I was pregnant with Cameron and I was a nervous wreck in the weeks leading up to April 30th.  I don't know why, but I just felt like on that day, it was possible my world might come crashing down again.  It of course, didn't happen, but it just felt like it could.  This year, I still feel the anxiety and disbelief that it's been 2 years already.  But, our lives are filled with such a joy that Cameron brings (even when she is cranky...which is a daily occurrence here!).  It's such a strange feeling to have a mixture of joy and sadness all at the same time.

April has also brought a promotion and raise for me, so now I can rest a little easier about the job situation.  Bailey will hopefully be moved before her 2nd birthday, because I refuse to put more flowers out until she is moved...I hate to think it, but I'm pretty sure I now know where her flowers at Christmas went. 

We are 3 days away from Cameron being 7 months old.  She is eating Stage 2 foods (we tried some stage 3 tonight and that was an EPIC FAIL!), holds her bottle on her own, rolls both ways now, and continues to amaze us every day!  We go back to her eye doctor on the 27th to have her eyes re-examined.  We see some progress some days, and others it feels like there are none.  I suspect she will have to have surgery to correct her eyes.

Here are some pictures so far from April - these are all from Easter Sunday.  Hanging out with her cousin Desiree, hanging out with daddy, picture with the big egg, trying to reach for the big egg, really working at getting the smaller pink egg, and then trying to eat it..., making funny faces, and then finally over all of it!

Almost 7 months!  Time is just going by way too fast!