4 Months

My dear sweet little girl,

Mommy is a day late on writing a letter to you for 4 month angelversary.  I didn't forget my sweet little girl, I've just been busy.  Instead of being busy loving on you and watching all the cute adorable things you should be doing, I've been busy doing things for you.  We planned your due date day, watched it come and go, and mommy has been thinking what I'm going to do with your scrapbook.  I'm still terrified of starting (more like terrified of finishing) it, but I can at least think about the planning stages.

Since last month, we entered into the last month of the "I should be pregnant" stage.  I watched as your due date crept up on us.  It got closer and closer.  We thought of things we were going to do in remembrance of you.  We spent your due date day doing things for you.  I know you spent it with us, because the memory of you is with us no matter where we go.  But, sweet girl, I wish you could be here.

Mommy and Daddy have started the process to try to make you a big sister.  We don't know how that's going yet, and we still don't know if it will happen, but we have hope.  Would you put the bug in God's ear that you need a brother or a sister?

I miss you so much.  It just doesn't seem fair that to be "with" you, we have to go to a cemetery.  But, that's the reality.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much, and will always love you.  I hope you are playing happily with your friends in heaven, and not causing too much mischief.

Loving and missing you always,
Mommy

Bailey's Day

Friday, August 27th was what should have been Bailey's due date.  In remembrance of the beautiful little girl who was taken far too soon from us, we spent the day doing things for her. 

We started off our day by Adam giving Desmond a bath since he was going with us...he wasn't happy about it.

Before we left the house, we each ate one of the pink cupcakes Adam brought home, especially for that day.  They were very delicious!  I was so surprised when I got home on Thursday night and saw these.  He bought 6 of them, and had them made especially for Bailey's day.  By Saturday afternoon, they were all

gone.

We went to Bailey's resting place and put out new flowers.  Adam wanted to put out pink and purple ones, so we found these at Hobby Lobby.  I wanted to added the pink and purple butterflies.  The pink flowers in middle are the ones we put out on Memorial Day.  They still looked nice, so we just moved them to the middle.  We pulled a few weeds that were growing rather unruly on her grave.  The moment that made us laugh while we were there...Desmond decided he needed to go poop, then Adam, not paying attention, stepped in it.  So, we had to make a detour and stop at my parent's house so he could wash his shoe.

We went to Sulphur to the Chickasaw Recreational Park.  It's been years since either one of us went there.  Adam thought it would be nice to go, because it would have been a place we would have taken Bailey.  We would have taken her in her stroller, walked the trails and packed a picnic lunch.  So, we did just that...the one that was missing was her. 

We started out at the Nature Center. Adam went inside to get a list of the trails. Desmond greeted everyone who came out, and got lovings from just about everyone.

 

Adam is severely allergic to Poison Ivy. I am allergic to it too, but (knock on wood) I haven't had it in the 11 years we have been together. So, when we saw this sign, Adam made me take a picture of it. At the same time, in my head, I wondered if Poison Ivy would have been something we would have to worry about with Bailey. Would she have been allergic to it just as bad as her Daddy?

 

Potty break time...yes, I know you are wondering why I have a picture of the Women's bathroom door. I have an irrational fear of porta-potties and holes in the ground. And I almost did NOT go into this bathroom because I was terrified of what I would find when I got in there. Fortunately, it was a regular bathroom.

I took lots and lots of pictures of the scenery.

This beautiful butterfly was on this bush when we drove by it the first time. The bush is right by a bridge that has water that flows over it. I tried to take a picture, but someone pulled up behind us. When we went back later, this butterfly was still there, so I was able to get a picture. The blues on it's wings were beautiful, and it was a pretty good size butterfly. When we drove by this spot a third time (all hours apart), the butterfly was still there. I like to think of it as a little sign from our little butterfly.

We walked the trails.  Desmond was rather amusing on the walk...we so have a "city-dog".  He would walk really fast if he wasn't in the shade, then would slow down in the shade.  If the shade moved from the left side of the path to the right, he went right along with it.  And when he got leaves stuck in his fur, he would just lay down and roll over on his back until someone got them out.  Desmond got tired and we ended up having to turn around and go back to the car while we were on one trail. 

We stopped for a couple of photo-ops ourselves...

After we left the park, we went and picked up my niece.  We were going to go eat that evening, and Adam and I were headed to my parents, so we thought it would be nice to take Desiree over there with us.  On the way over there, she tried to slip her arm out of her car seat strap.  When I told her "no ma'am" I got the evil eye...This is so a look that my sister used to give when she was a baby.  To see Desiree give it at 15 months made me laugh.  I sure hope Bailey wouldn't have had her Aunt Sarah's attitude...

Desiree munched on some watermelon with Grandma...this child has a big mouth for someone so small!

And then took a nap on the way to go eat...

The final thing we had planned to do on Bailey's day was to go home and light a candle.  We decided to do it 2 different ways.  The one solitaire candle, we left burning all night long. 

Overall, we had a "good" day.  Everything we did, we thought of Bailey.  Even though she wasn't here with us, it was still her day.

Your Due Date

My dearest Bailey,

Today was supposed to be your due date, and today mommy isn't doing very good.  I'm so sad baby girl.  I feel so cheated of the life I was supposed to have with you. 

From the moment we found out we were expecting you, we dreamt of this day. We anticipated welcoming you into our little family, bringing you home, and watching you grow. We couldn't wait for that time to come. But, when you arrived 17 weeks too soon, on April 30, I since have dreaded this day. I knew it was going to be tough. I knew it was going to be hard. And I knew we could only spend it "with" you and for you.  So, Daddy and I took the day off of work.  It's your day baby girl, and even though we aren't doing any of the things we planned or hoped for, it's still your day.



So, today, we are doing things in remembrance of you.  We are going to go to your resting place and putting out new flowers.  We got some pink ones and some purple ones, and we even got a pink butterfly and a purple butterfly to put out there too.  I know you'll love them.

We are taking your fur-sibling (Desmond) with us, and we are going to Sulphur to have a picnic at the park, and we are also going to walk the trails.  The weather is perfect and it's something we will never get to do with you, so it's something we are going to do in remembrance of you. 

Your Daddy surprised me with pink cupcakes last night, just in your honor today.  They have cream cheese in them, and pink icing.  They are supposed to be delicious.  I cried, because I didn't expect him to do something like that.  He planned that just for you!

Tonight, when we get home, we will light a candle in your honor.  It will be to remember you and all of your angel friends. 

Baby girl, you are so loved and so missed by many.  Mommy and Daddy think of you daily, and we wish everyday that you were here with us.

Loving You and Missing You always,
Mommy

The days

Note all BLM's...I talk about my 2ww in this post.  If this will trigger you, please stop reading here, because I by no means want to make anyone upset or sad.

I HATE the 2ww.  I am 7dpo, and am overanalyzing EVERYTHING.  Face breakout makes me think no.  With all three of my other pregnancies, no face breakouts.  Cramping makes go back and forth.  Heartburn (which I rarely ever have) makes me think maybe.  Upset stomach also makes me think maybe.  Severe moodiness...haven't had that too bad since I was pregnant with Bailey...today, I was mean.  I was angry, and then 2 seconds later...I was sweet as pie.  But all of these can also come with PMS.  It's also things that come with the horrible anxiety that is building within me day after passing day, while waiting for Friday to get here. 

Friday, August 27th...the day for 23 weeks I dreamed of.  The day for the last 16 weeks and 1 day I have dreaded.

Am I allowed to just sleep for the next week?  Please?

The Week in a Nutshell

This week has had the emotional rollercoaster, heartbreak, hope, anxiety, good moments, and much, much more.

First off, let me say to all my dear baby-loss sisters out there, please keep my cousin in your thoughts.  She just had her first confirmed pregnancy this week, only to find out the same night that it was a tubal pregnancy.  She didn't have to have surgery, but did have so spend a couple of nights in the hospital.  It's been hard on her, and I hate that she "officially" is joining our elite club.  My dear cousin, if you read this, I am truly sorry, and you know I am always here for you.

August 19th was a Day of Hope.  A day to break the silence and let people know it is okay to talk about the precious lives that blessed us, even if it was for a short amount of time. 

This week, we found out we will be receiving a payment from Adam's life insurance.  The check is at the post office waiting for us to pick it up.  I am very grateful that we have life insurance, and that they will pay out on Bailey's death.  We are extremely fortunate to have this, as I know others do not.  But, there is still a part of me that is extremely sad that I have to pick up a life insurance check for daughter. 

This week, we entered the 2ww after starting fertility meds again, for the first time.  And get this...my test date is the weekend between Bailey's due date (August 27th) and her 4 month angelversary (August 30th).  God...please let this be it.  With this 2ww, I have thought alot about names for next child.  Adam and I even talked about it.  Our next child's name will begin with a "C".  If we have another girl, her middle name will be Bailey.  We want her to know why her name is special, and how she received it.

I have had horrible anxiety this week, because today, I should have been 39 weeks pregnant.  Even though Bailey's due date is not for another week, we had intended on inducing this week, if my Dr. would allow it.  But, that doesn't matter now.  She's already been born, and she died.  My calendar is a constant reminder that she was supposed to be due in one week. 

This week, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my place of employment.  Every 5 years, you get a bonus on your check, and you get to go to a service luncheon.  Our luncheon was at Nonna's.  The little mini-eclairs in the back...divine!  I enjoy my job and I enjoy the people I work with.  (Sorry, I can't tell you who it is, due to social networking regulations.  Anything with their name in it is found on the internet, and since this is a no-holds barred blog, I have keep that anonymity).

This was the first week of school for most of my area.  And as I watched proud mommies post pictures of their babies' first day of school, I was saddened, because this is something I will never get to experience with Bailey.  And it makes me sad.

I am so blessed in many aspects of my life.  I am grateful to have a job, have a loving family, have friends who care about me, and have my wonderful baby-loss sisters.  But, at the same time, I am hurt that this precious little girl did not get to stay.

It's an emotional week...and I predict the next one to be just as emotionally challenging.

Weight

Since losing Bailey, I have lost every single bit of my pregnancy weight, plus some.  I am actually almost 10 pounds lighter than I was when I first found out I was pregnant.  I've lost a total of 44.2 pounds since September 2009.  However, here's the problem I've ran across...

People see me, and they notice all the weight loss.  They tell me I look great.  But, then come the questions.

At my 1 week post-partum visit, I had lost 15 pounds since my previous appointment.  The nurse asked my husband if I was eating.  I had been, just not much.  Anxiety, sadness, and burying your child tends to not make you hungry.

At my 6 week post-partum visit, I had lost a good chunk more.  Again, the nurse asked if I was eating, because I had lost another significant amount of weight.  I told her I was, but I was doing Weight Watchers again. 

Now, 3 1/2 month post-partum, I am down 30+ pounds from my highest weight during pregnancy, and I STILL have people asking me if I am eating.  I am losing weight the healthy way.  I am working out, I am doing Weight Watchers, and I am finally beginning to be "okay" with my body.  I still have another 45 pounds I would love to lose, but it will be done the healthy way.

I'm focusing on my physical weight, because the emotional weight is too much to handle right now.  If I focus my sights on one thing (other than getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy), then I don't focus all day on the emotional hardship that has fallen right square in my lap.  The emotional weight is enough to carry...I don't need the physical weight too right now.  So, I will continue to work hard and strive to get healthier, and the extra physical weight can go away.  I don't want it back, unless it means there is a little bundle growing in my belly.  That's the only way I'll take it back right now.

It's Everywhere

It's everywhere.  Pregnancy, babies, loss.  It's all over the place. 

One thing that I have realized on this journey is that you can't escape it.  Pregnant women make me jealous, babies make me sad, and hearing of a loss makes me even sadder. 

I found out very quickly after my first 2 losses, that many people around me have suffered first trimester losses.  Miscarriages are more common than I realized.  After the loss of Bailey, I only have one person I know who has experienced a second trimester loss.  We work for the same company.  We are not buddies, but we know each other.  Every other person I know who has experienced 2nd or 3rd trimester losses, I have met through this journey.  They are my online sisters.

This sisterhood is strong.  When you are having a craptastic day, they are there to lift you up.  The hugs and love outpour from them.  It also flows from family and friends, and all the love is appreciated, but sometimes, just having someone who has been there say "I know it sucks, and it's not fair, but I'm here for you" is just what a person needs.

We went grocery shopping today, and I saw on the newstand a People magazine with the Duggers featured on the front, saying they are ready to have another baby.  I had seens this particular cover previously, because one of my BLM-sisters posted about it.  I couldn't fathom the thought of thinking about it at the time.  But there it was this morning...staring at me...and it made me physically ill to think about it.  Why is it that they can have 19 kids, and want a 20th one, but so many of us can't even have one?  I would give my right arm to have just ONE baby that is happy, healthy, and that I get to bring home.

I'm angry and I'm sad today.  It's one of those craptastic days...and right now, I would love to just sleep it away.

The Reunion & The Question

My darling husband...I know you have become a lurker and have been reading my blog.  Most of what I am writing here today I have not told you, but I know you understand.

Last night was my husband's 10 year reunion.  I know a few of the people he graduated with...a few of them even worked for me at McDonald's.  Others, I probably would know faces, but never actually "knew" them. 

Adam told me I could go with him to his reunion, but I opted not to go.  I was afraid.  I was afraid of what these people, ones I knew and ones I didn't, would ask.  I was TERRIFIED of the question "Do you guys have any kids?".  I was even more terrified of how Adam would answer.  I know my answer would be "A little girl in heaven", but I didn't know what his would be.

I almost asked him before we left what his answer would be if someone asked.  But, I didn't.  I was scared to.  So, I left it alone.

So, instead of going, I spent the evening with my mom, watching "The Blind Side" and worrying about if someone asked him this question and his response.

Why am I so worried about a response?  Why do I worry about how many grandchildren our parents will tell people they have?  Why do I worry about the response my mamaw will have when people ask her how many grandchildren and great-grandchildren she has?  Why am I so afraid that people are not going to "count" Bailey when they answer these questions?

I have not had someone I don't know ask me this question yet.  It's been a little over 3 months, and I still haven't had this question asked.  That probably tells all of you how much I socialize...ha!  But, even though I haven't had this question asked, I still know what my answer will be when someone does ask me that dreaded question someday.

Readers:  Have you been asked this dreaded question yet?  (I know some of you have).  Do you have a planned response?  Do you worry about the responses your loved ones will have when they are asked these questions?  Do you voice your concerns?

The ER Trip from Hell

This week has been rough to say the least.  As we embark on the ttc journey again, I have again started seeing my RE and we are back to the same regimen we used to get pregnant with Bailey.  The difference this time though is that I am already lighter than I was when we got pregnant with Bailey.  My physiology is different.  And let me tell you...after 9 months of not being on any fertility medications...my body sure as crap is not liking it right now. 

We spent Tuesday night in the emergency room, because I had pain on my right side ALL day on Tuesday, and it progressively got worse throughout the day.  I was 99.9% sure it is hyperstimulation of my ovaries, but I was concerned it might be my appendix. 

We went to Urgent Care.  They didn't have the equipment to treat me, so I was sent to the ER.  I had a Dr. at the ER (who I will from here on out refer to as Dr. F) who looked like he was 15 years old, and had horrible bedside manner.  Here's how our night went....

We arrived at the ER at 7:15'ish.  We checked in and was taken back fairly quicklike.  I get in the bed, and the nurse starts asking questions.  I tell him what's going on, and midway through going through that, in comes Dr. F.  Dr. F starts asking me the same questions.  I tell him I am hurting on the right side, I am on Femara, and I just started an antibiotic because I am having an HSG done on Thursday.  Both the nurse and the Dr. asked "What's an HSG".  I tell them "the test where they inject dye into my uterus and then take xrays".  Both of them look extrememly confused.  Eventually Dr. F figured it out.  While he starts the next set of questions, the nurse sticks me to take blood and to put the little thing in my arm that will allow them to give me medication later that makes me VERY drowsy and VERY loopy.

Dr. F proceeds to ask me if I have had any surgeries.  I answer "Yes, a c-section in April, and I had a uterine septum removed a couple of years ago".  Dr. F proceeds to ask "What did you have a c-section for?"  What went through my head was "Duh, Dr. Genious...what do you normally have a c-section for?", but I responded "to deliver my daughter.  She was born at 23 weeks".  Dr. F "23 weeks is really early, you know?"  Mental response was getting uglier with each STUPID question.  Me:  "Yes, I know that.  I went into pre-term labor and was fully dilated when I got here".  Dr. F "Why a c-section though?"  Me:  "She was transverse".  Dr. F "So, it was a girl...how is she doing?"  Adam stepped in at that point and said "She didn't make it".  Dr. F then says "Oh, well, you know there isn't a good survival rate at 23 weeks".  For real?!  I thought I was going to choke him then and there.

They did an ultrasound, and didn't find much.  It took the woman FOREVER to do the ultrasound.  I think she was in there for probably 30-45 minutes doing the ultrasound...the internal ultrasound.  They couldn't check my appendix because it requires a CT scan, and they didn't want to risk that with my cycle being where it is.  Dr. F came back in my room at about 9:45 and told me it doesn't look like hyperstimulation, so there isn't anything else he can do for me.  He tells me they are going to draw up they paperwork to discharge me.  It was an hour later before we were discharged. 

Dr. F and I did not mesh very well.  The nurse was okay...my arm STILL hurts from where he stuck me to get blood.  It was just a crappy experience overall.  I would have been okay with the 15 year old looking Dr. if he wouldn't have asked me stupid questions, or made some of the comments he made.

It was the ER trip from hell...and still found out NOTHING!

Cancel or Easy Button

I think there should be something like a generic 'Cancel' or 'Easy' button for when you have experienced a loss like this.  The button should work for things like:  Stopping the samples you get in the mail, stop the coupons, stop the catalogs, stop the e-mails, and stop the stupid advertisements that pop up EVERYWHERE, etc.  Instead, you have unsubscribe from EVERYTHING, and then still have to deal with getting crap in the mail that just makes your stomach turn.

We got the first of probably many things I have signed up for in the mail.  We got sample cans of Similac.  I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to breast feed (was pretty much leaning towards not doing it), so I signed up for Enfamil and Similac samples.  I guess I forgot to un-sign myself up for it though. 

I just need to make it through the next 25 days.  Bailey's due date is August 27th.  25 days...will it get easier after that point?  Maybe just a little bit?