My darling husband...I know you have become a lurker and have been reading my blog. Most of what I am writing here today I have not told you, but I know you understand.
Last night was my husband's 10 year reunion. I know a few of the people he graduated with...a few of them even worked for me at McDonald's. Others, I probably would know faces, but never actually "knew" them.
Adam told me I could go with him to his reunion, but I opted not to go. I was afraid. I was afraid of what these people, ones I knew and ones I didn't, would ask. I was TERRIFIED of the question "Do you guys have any kids?". I was even more terrified of how Adam would answer. I know my answer would be "A little girl in heaven", but I didn't know what his would be.
I almost asked him before we left what his answer would be if someone asked. But, I didn't. I was scared to. So, I left it alone.
So, instead of going, I spent the evening with my mom, watching "The Blind Side" and worrying about if someone asked him this question and his response.
Why am I so worried about a response? Why do I worry about how many grandchildren our parents will tell people they have? Why do I worry about the response my mamaw will have when people ask her how many grandchildren and great-grandchildren she has? Why am I so afraid that people are not going to "count" Bailey when they answer these questions?
I have not had someone I don't know ask me this question yet. It's been a little over 3 months, and I still haven't had this question asked. That probably tells all of you how much I socialize...ha! But, even though I haven't had this question asked, I still know what my answer will be when someone does ask me that dreaded question someday.
Readers: Have you been asked this dreaded question yet? (I know some of you have). Do you have a planned response? Do you worry about the responses your loved ones will have when they are asked these questions? Do you voice your concerns?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
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13 comments:
I always say it. If people ask I tell them and then I make them uncomfortable. Every time I tell someone I walk away thinking, I could've done that better. I'm still working on a standard response. I've found it's best to talk quickly and then smile, so the person knows you are okay and not about to break down. I know my husband doesn't always acknowledge her. I am trying to be okay with it. We have different ways of approaching things.
I haven't had anyone ask yet. I don't know for sure what I'll say, but I will somehow say that I have a son, but he died. I'll probably follow it up with something, maybe a brief explanation. I don't know yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll wish I had done it differently (I say this before I've even done it!). My hope is that the person I tell will ask about Jacob.
I haven't had many ask that question of me...because I still avoid so many social situations with people that I don't know. I remember being asked early on after my loss if I was thinking about having children anytime soon. I answered, "not yet" and walked away with tears in my eyes. It's such a personal question...and people who ask it will rarely have been through what we are all going through. I also wanted to let you know that I missed out on my 10-year reunion last night due to the fear of being asked "the question". I feel comfortable with my decision and don't regret it for a second. I did what was best for me...and in some ways, for my daughter too.
I've never told anyone I was pregnant, for any of my pregnancies, so in some ways I guess it might seem I have it easy. But "the question" is really hard, even for me. I have to fake a smile and say something along the lines of "oh, someday I'm sure we will."
I hate that. I hate it so much. I know I am betraying my babies. I hate lying to people and basically saying they never existed.
I will say, though, that in general I avoid social situations and have for a couple of years now. But you can never completely aviod "the question". Ughhh.
it seems to be a universal part of this grieving process that we are all terrified of the thought of anyone forgetting our lost babies, or not including them in their mental picture of our families. i have had to answer this question twice, and both times i was terrified of the response i got, and yet both times my answer was met with compassion.
ken doesn't answer the question the same way i do - and he doesn't read my blog!
I have been asked a few times, and each time I answered it honestly. "Yes, we have a daughter in heaven." or "Yes, but our baby was stillborn." I just can't lie about it, it would kill me more to lie. I have overheard my husband saying no though... which killed me too, although I understood it. I just can't do that myself. I've felt like I ruined a few days though for others.
I have been asked once and my response was, "we have a daughter, who is in heaven." I really do wish there was a way we could answer this question without making people uncomfortable with the response but I don't think that it possible. I think the discomfort comes from the "heaven" part, people in general are so uncomfortable with death. I am very worried about how others will answer this question with regards to Harper. I think that is part of being a Mama, we are always protecting our babies and that includes the memory of them.
I have been asked many times and it is always hard. I have said different responses and have found that saying, I have twins in heaven, feels the most comfortable to me. I think within time you will find something that feels comfortable to you.
Yes I've been asked that question a lot. I am from a small town and my husband and I just moved back. So everyone who new me as a kid have asked me that question and honestly it depends on the person of what I tell them. People I know and trust I tell them the story of what happened to Brynn. Others I just say yes a daughter but she passed away and then there a some who I just simply don't want them to know so I say no we don't have any right now.
Danae, I wanted to thank you so much for posing these questions. I have struggled a great deal with this. Although I think I know what I will say, I never say it quite right. I read your post late last night and have been thinking a lot about your questions. Then today when I was calling for insurance quotes on our house, the agent asked if we had kids. I answered, "our baby is in Heaven but we hope to have more children in the future." It felt so good to acknowledge Drew, and the gentleman was very kind and offered his prayers to us. I think I finally feel comfortable with how I will approach that dreaded question. (((Hugs)))
Hi,
I followed your blog from BBC and wanted to let you know I'm sending prayers and ((hugs)) to you (as well as all your readers). My little sister recently miscarried, and I still struggle with how to talk to her about it, whether or not she wants to talk about it. I did send her a small memorial plaque that I made on what was the baby's due date. Now I'm glad I did, because I was the only person who knew about her pregnancy (besides her hubby). I just didn't want her to think I had forgotten her baby.
Anyways, sorry for the detour. I am praying for healing for you and your husband and all the parents of angel babies. I know there is a special place in heaven for all the angel babies and the people who love them. God Bless.
I've only been asked twice since Blaine, the first time I said just one child, didn't count Blaine and then felt horrible for it. The second time I said I have two kids, my son died. That made things a little awkward but I just kept acting naturally and the other person didn't freak out or anything. I think we want our babies to be acknowledged always because they are a part of our lives. I would never say I didn't have my daughter so why would I say I didn't have my son? That's how I look at it. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed and it doesn't bother me if it makes someone else feel weird. I am proud of my little nudger.
I'm a year out and I always answer this question differently depending on who's doing the asking and what the situation is but it still bothers me when I hear someone in the family say that they have this number of grandkids, cousins or nephews but its minus one. I take huge offense to that! Why, becuase its like saying my son didnt exist, that he doesnt count. It infuriates me so you have every right to be a little uncomfertable when you hear this or get asked this question. Just answer however you feel comfertable. Its the truth and if that makes people uncomfertable then oh well! *HUGS*
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