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Friday, August 20, 2010

The Week in a Nutshell

This week has had the emotional rollercoaster, heartbreak, hope, anxiety, good moments, and much, much more.

First off, let me say to all my dear baby-loss sisters out there, please keep my cousin in your thoughts.  She just had her first confirmed pregnancy this week, only to find out the same night that it was a tubal pregnancy.  She didn't have to have surgery, but did have so spend a couple of nights in the hospital.  It's been hard on her, and I hate that she "officially" is joining our elite club.  My dear cousin, if you read this, I am truly sorry, and you know I am always here for you.

August 19th was a Day of Hope.  A day to break the silence and let people know it is okay to talk about the precious lives that blessed us, even if it was for a short amount of time. 

This week, we found out we will be receiving a payment from Adam's life insurance.  The check is at the post office waiting for us to pick it up.  I am very grateful that we have life insurance, and that they will pay out on Bailey's death.  We are extremely fortunate to have this, as I know others do not.  But, there is still a part of me that is extremely sad that I have to pick up a life insurance check for daughter. 

This week, we entered the 2ww after starting fertility meds again, for the first time.  And get test date is the weekend between Bailey's due date (August 27th) and her 4 month angelversary (August 30th).  God...please let this be it.  With this 2ww, I have thought alot about names for next child.  Adam and I even talked about it.  Our next child's name will begin with a "C".  If we have another girl, her middle name will be Bailey.  We want her to know why her name is special, and how she received it.

I have had horrible anxiety this week, because today, I should have been 39 weeks pregnant.  Even though Bailey's due date is not for another week, we had intended on inducing this week, if my Dr. would allow it.  But, that doesn't matter now.  She's already been born, and she died.  My calendar is a constant reminder that she was supposed to be due in one week. 

This week, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my place of employment.  Every 5 years, you get a bonus on your check, and you get to go to a service luncheon.  Our luncheon was at Nonna's.  The little mini-eclairs in the back...divine!  I enjoy my job and I enjoy the people I work with.  (Sorry, I can't tell you who it is, due to social networking regulations.  Anything with their name in it is found on the internet, and since this is a no-holds barred blog, I have keep that anonymity).

This was the first week of school for most of my area.  And as I watched proud mommies post pictures of their babies' first day of school, I was saddened, because this is something I will never get to experience with Bailey.  And it makes me sad.

I am so blessed in many aspects of my life.  I am grateful to have a job, have a loving family, have friends who care about me, and have my wonderful baby-loss sisters.  But, at the same time, I am hurt that this precious little girl did not get to stay.

It's an emotional week...and I predict the next one to be just as emotionally challenging.


Julie said...

i think it would be a beautiful thing to give bailey's sister her name as a middle name. praying for you during your 2ww. i hope you get that BFP!

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for being so open and sharing your experience, Danae. It's a huge comfort to me to read what is going on in your life, in some way. I appreciate the courage you have summoned to share all of this. Thank you, thank you.

I finally had the guts to share my story last week. Difficult, but worth it in the end.

- Elizabeth (Johnson) Crumpler

Allison said...

Oh Danae, you have had such a roller coaster of a week! Please know that I will be sending you extra special thoughts and prayers next week. You, Adam, and Bailey will be in my heart. I want you to have a BFP so badly. I am sending you baby blessings, hoping that you are already carrying your rainbow.
I will also be keeping your cousin in my thoughts as well. I am so sorry that she has become part of this club. Hugs to both of you <3

The Blue Sparrow said...

I'll be praying as your Angels EDD approaches. Congrats on your 5 yrs! (((HUGS)))

Angela said...

You have a hard week coming up and you are in the middle of the 2 ww which is so stressful. I hope you get a BFP.

Elaine said...

That's so nice that your work took you for lunch. Congrats on the 5 year mark! These days people don't stay with the same places for long so that is a milestone.

Will be saying special prayer for you around Baileys EDD and hoping you are successful!!

Our next baby has names picked out already although I never thought of having Blaine as a middle name but now I might.

Rhiannon said...

I love that you will pass on Bailey's name to her little sister...I have thought about doing that with Harper's middle name, Grace. :) Thinking of you during the next 2 weeks and always. Praying for your cousin also! (((HUGS)))

Tiki said...

Thinking about you and praying for a BFP. It's always wonderful to hear of new rainbows coming.

Jennifer said...

Keeping you and Bailey in my thoughts. I hope next week would be gentler on you. I know it will be tough, especially with Bailey's due date and angelversary falling on that week. Will say a prayer for you as well as your cousin. I'm sorry to hear that she'd join our club. :(

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

Please know that I'm praying for you as you go through all of this craziness.
I'm also praying for your cousin - as she is suffering a loss of her own.
I know what you're going through with the 2ww. It sucks. I've had to endure it the last several months.
Will continue to pray for you...

Lots of love!