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Monday, September 6, 2010

Been Away

I've been on vacation from the internet for a couple of weeks.  I have been on here a very minimal amount, so I am VERY far behind on reading blogs and responding to e-mail.  I haven't been on Facebook but a few times.  I'm trying to get caught up, but it will take me a while.

I haven't been in the greatest of places.  The overwhelming sadness has taken over some days.  My brother and his wife just had their little girl, Danielle (who is adorable, by the way), but my heart isn't ready for it yet.  The evil, green, jealous monster came out in me...and that monster still hasn't completely crawled back in it's hole yet.  I have spent many days asking God what I have done that was so bad that he had to take my baby.  I know it's not logical, and I did nothing wrong, but this past week I've needed someone to blame, and in my head, the only person I can blame is me right now.

I want you all to know I think of you, your families, and your angels daily.  You all are never far from my mind and my heart.  Thank you for reading and the comments, because they always help, because I know that most people who follow know the deep, dark place I've been in...we don't like it, but we've all been there.


Dana said...

I'm sorry things have been so bad lately. I know you are happy about your niece, but it would bring up so many hard feelings for me too. My sister is 6 weeks pregnant. I want her to have a healthy baby so badly, but I don't want the baby to be a boy. It will be so hard if she has a boy when my boy is gone. I am already jealous of her that she is pregnant again when I have now lost 2. Of course, I don't want her to ever go through the loss of a baby. I worry about her daily, but don't tell her.

I know it wasn't your fault, and I know it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but blame myself. Whatever it was that killed Jacob, no one else could have caused it but my body. I try to remind myself that my body is separate from who I am. I can hate my body, but it doesn't mean I hate myself (even though I do some days). I feel like I am descending into the dark place today.

I'm glad you're back. I've missed you :)

car said...

Hi Danae, sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time.

I spent 6 hours yesterday with my sister-in-law who is 29 weeks. I hate that I am dreading this baby's arrival when I should be thrilled about finally having a niece or nephew. The green-eyed monster is visiting me too.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking of you Danae. <3 I miss you! And I can totally see how having such a nearby birth can really hurt. :\ We are here for you.

Elaine said...

I'm very familiar with the green eyed monster! She's totally gotten in the way of my bonding with my new niece. I just really don't want anything to do with post Blaine babies right now. Pre Blaine kids I have no problem with. I'm trying to be supportive of my cousin who is preggo but it's tough. I missed hearing from you but totally understand the internet vacation! Hope you got the card I sent and the photos. xoxo

Allison said...

I am sending you hugs, Danae. <3 The past few weeks must have been so difficult with everything that has been happening around you. I didn't realize that Bailey and her cousin were going to be that close in age. My heart aches for you. I can understand the jealousy and darkness. It is a terribly painful place to be in. The awful unfairness of our situations is overwhelming. I am hoping and praying that you have easier days ahead. I am thinking about you always. <3

Violet1122 said...

Danae - say no more. I get what you mean about the dark days. And I hope taking a break from the internet was helpful - sometimes I have to step away too.

Thinking of you so often - and praying you have a rainbow spark into your life soon!

Jennifer said...

sorry to hear that you've been having dark days. (((hugs))) thinking of you and your bailey today.