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Friday, December 31, 2010

The Holidays and 8 months

My dearest sweet girl,

I haven't gotten a chance to write to you in a while and mommy is sorry.  I know that you know that I think about you every day and I miss you so much.  This month has been so hard because it's not the way it was "supposed" to be.

This year, the holidays were supposed to be so much different.  You and Desiree were supposed to get to open gifts together and play at grammy and grandpa's house.  You would have had the cutest little Christmas outfit.  We would have gotten your pictures done and had family pictures made and sent out cards to all our friends and family.  Mommy and Daddy would have decorated the house.  We know you wouldn't remember any of it, but we would have done it anyways.  But, instead, the only decoration we put up was the pink tree we bought for you.  Because it just didn't feel right to put anything else up.  We didn't send out any cards...I tried to write cards to all your friend's mommies, and I couldn't even find the energy to do that.  The closer it got to Christmas, the worse I felt.

We went to visit you on Christmas morning.  Your daddy and I got up early and we went and watched the sun rise from the cemetery.  So, instead of finding out what Santa brought you and smiling and laughing, we sat in the car until about 5 minutes before "sunrise" and then we stood in the freezing winds at your grave and brought in Christmas morning with you and cried.  But it was our first Christmas as a family and we couldn't leave you out.  Just as daddy couldn't leave you out of buying a Christmas gift for mommy.  You'll always be a part of us. 

Yesterday was your 8 month angelversary.  I said and did the "right" things yesterday, but I was sad.  It's mind blowing to know you have been gone for 8 months.  We are 2/3 of the way through the first year.

Today is the last day of 2010 and sweetheart, I am so ready for it to go.  This year started off as the best year.  We were pregnant with you, you were so tiny on that ultrasound screen, but on 1/3/10 we heard your heartbeat for the first time and we were so excited!   On 4/2/10, we found out you were a girl and we were even more excited!  But, on April 30, this year quickly turned from being the best year to the worst year.  You were born that day, and althought you stayed with us for a blissful 54 minutes, it just wasn't long enough.  I wanted you here for my lifetime.  I'm selfish, baby and I wanted you with me. 

Mommy and Daddy have made an important decision to end the year of heartache.  We have decided we are going to adopt, so hopefully you will have a new brother or sister soon!  They will know all about you, because you are a tremendous part of our journey to making this decision.  I hope that you understand our decision.  We are not trying to replace you, because you will never be replaceable.

I love you sweet, sweet girl, and I miss you.



Allison said...

You always write such beautiful and heartfelt letters to your sweet Bailey. I hate that you were having to visit her gravesite on Christmas morning instead of watching her be amazed by all of the Christmas lights and decorations. It isn't fair that your year turned into something so tragic. The memories of Bailey's precious life will always be with you, and your children will know they have a big sister watching over them. I am thrilled to hear that you and your husband are adopting. I can't wait to hear all about it. You are such wonderful parents and are going to bring so much joy into that child's life. Thinking of you and sending you love, always!

Melissa said...

What a beautiful letter to Bailey. This first Christmas is hard and it's difficult to not think about what should have been, isn't it? The beautiful thing about where Bailey is now though is that she KNOWS how much you love her, and I believe they know your true intentions so she will know that no other child could possibly replace her. I'm glad to hear you are considering adoption though and I wish you the best of luck.

Dana said...

Your Christmas morning was heartbreaking, but beautiful. I love that you thought of visiting Bailey as the sun rose.

Bailey knows you aren't replacing her, that she never can be replaced.

I hope the adoption process goes well and as quickly as possible. I'm looking forward to hearing all about Bailey's little brother or sister.

Jill said...

This is such a beautiful letter and full of so much love. We visited our babes on Christmas as well. Just doesn't seem fair that they are not in our arms. Bailey is loved beyond words. Wishing you the best of luck with adoption and always thinking of you!! XO

Violet1122 said...

I love what you write to your daughter.

Sending you love and well-wishes for your journey through adoption! I hope the new year brings you peace and joy.

((Big Hugs))