Dear sweet girl,
Today is your first birthday. Mommy and daddy miss you so much. I can't believe it's been an entire year already. A WHOLE year. I still remember this day, last year, like it was just yesterday. I couldn't believe that at 23 weeks, we already had to meet you. I remember the freshness of the pain when your daddy had to come in and tell me the worst news I had ever heard...that we had to let you go and that you were gone. I remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms the very first time. I remember the kindness and love everyone showed us while we sat in a room on the NICU floor, with you gone. I remember the tears in the eyes and sorrow in the voices. It's so clear.
Today is the last "first". We have made it through the year of "firsts" without you. First Mother's Day, Father's Day, our birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and now your first birthday. I wish I had a big party to plan, and was getting you a huge cake for you to absolutely destroy. But, instead, we are going to go put new flowers out on your grave, and we will have a cake, just for you.
You are loved and missed sweet girl. I hope that you are having the biggest party in Heaven today. I hope all of your friends are there with you and I hope you all are having cake and ice cream and making messes!
We went yesterday to pick out your memorial stone for your grave, but I know you know that. That's the last thing we needed to do for you, and we wanted to do it around your first birthday. So, we went and found a stone for you, but they are going to have to custom make the size we want, and we hope they can do it.
We miss you and we love you. Be with us today as it's going to be a hard day without you. Send mommy, daddy, and your little sister some special kisses.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's a..........
Yesterday, we went for my follow-up appointment at MFM. I was expecting to get my cervix checked and make sure all was going well after getting the cerclage placed. Someone came and got us and took us back to an ultrasound room. She told me she was going to ultrasound my cervix and then she would do a regular ultrasound so we could see how baby was doing.
She checked my cervix and she said it looked great. She came back in and started ultrasounding CB. She asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We told her we did and asked her if it was too early. She said it might be, but she would try and see what she could see...and what did she see?
She didn't see any boy parts and she saw 3 lines...so, CB is a girl! After we finished with her, we had to wait for about an hour for my Dr. because he had to perform an emergency c-section. Once he came in and started looking, he also asked if we knew what we were having. We told him the u/s tech "thinks" it's a girl. He said "well, that just won't do! Let's look again and see if we can confirm that!". So, Dr. Mirabile looked again, and he said "Yup, it's a girl! That definitely looks like a vajayjay!". It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, because I really didn't expecting him to say that!
So, we are going with the girl ruling unless we find out otherwise in a few weeks! We are very excited, and Adam was grinning from ear to ear.
So, CB is no longer "it" or "he or she". CB is "she" and she has a name! CB is officially Cameron Bailey! We decided to keep Bailey as part of the name if we had a girl, because we want her to know about her big sister.
We are excited, but still nervous at the same time. Like I said...one day at a time...with both of our little girls.
She checked my cervix and she said it looked great. She came back in and started ultrasounding CB. She asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We told her we did and asked her if it was too early. She said it might be, but she would try and see what she could see...and what did she see?
She didn't see any boy parts and she saw 3 lines...so, CB is a girl! After we finished with her, we had to wait for about an hour for my Dr. because he had to perform an emergency c-section. Once he came in and started looking, he also asked if we knew what we were having. We told him the u/s tech "thinks" it's a girl. He said "well, that just won't do! Let's look again and see if we can confirm that!". So, Dr. Mirabile looked again, and he said "Yup, it's a girl! That definitely looks like a vajayjay!". It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, because I really didn't expecting him to say that!
So, we are going with the girl ruling unless we find out otherwise in a few weeks! We are very excited, and Adam was grinning from ear to ear.
So, CB is no longer "it" or "he or she". CB is "she" and she has a name! CB is officially Cameron Bailey! We decided to keep Bailey as part of the name if we had a girl, because we want her to know about her big sister.
We are excited, but still nervous at the same time. Like I said...one day at a time...with both of our little girls.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
14w6d - 3.13.2011
Today is 14 weeks and 6 days. Cerclage is done. CB is healthy. Mommy's a nervous wreck most days. But, we are getting there. The next 8 weeks are going to be the hardest...and the hardest of them all is only about 2 weeks away.
Weekly appointments with my regular doctor because they want just as badly as we do to bring this baby home. They are willing to see me however many times a week that I need to feel calm. They are wonderful and I can't have asked for more caring people. When I feel like a total nut-job, they assure me over and over that I'm not and that they don't mind me coming in as often as I need.
I asked my Dr. today about if I will be able to exercise at all during this pregnancy. As I expected, the answer was NO! So, I went to the gym today to freeze my membership until mid-November. I am doing that because I have every intention, plan, and hope to bring this baby home, and no sooner than sometime in September. My gym is wonderful too. I have told one trainer there our story and when I walked in today, she was training someone else, but saw me, noticed my bump (MY BUMP!) and got excited! Someone else helped us freeze our accounts. She knew who I was and she got excited too and said they all were just talking about me the other day and was wondering where I had been. It's nice to know they have recognized that I have been gone (or so they say) and that I have actually be missed. Come November, I'll be going back to the gym so CB can have a mom that is fit, active, and fun!
I start my P17 shots next week and picked up my first vial (5 shots) for $55.00 this week.
So, this pregnancy is progressing. We've had our fair share of rough moments already, but we are still blessed to be pregnant and for the most part...complication free.
As we progress through the next 8 weeks, we have a lot going on. Bailey's 1st birthday is April 30th, which is only about 2 weeks away. I'm having anxiety about it, but know it will be okay. And our other big milestone will be to get to June 9th....23 weeks. My personal challenge that week is that internal audit will be here, so I will have no time to myself and will have quite a bit of stress.
One day at a time...sometimes even only one minute at a time...we're getting there though.
Weekly appointments with my regular doctor because they want just as badly as we do to bring this baby home. They are willing to see me however many times a week that I need to feel calm. They are wonderful and I can't have asked for more caring people. When I feel like a total nut-job, they assure me over and over that I'm not and that they don't mind me coming in as often as I need.
I asked my Dr. today about if I will be able to exercise at all during this pregnancy. As I expected, the answer was NO! So, I went to the gym today to freeze my membership until mid-November. I am doing that because I have every intention, plan, and hope to bring this baby home, and no sooner than sometime in September. My gym is wonderful too. I have told one trainer there our story and when I walked in today, she was training someone else, but saw me, noticed my bump (MY BUMP!) and got excited! Someone else helped us freeze our accounts. She knew who I was and she got excited too and said they all were just talking about me the other day and was wondering where I had been. It's nice to know they have recognized that I have been gone (or so they say) and that I have actually be missed. Come November, I'll be going back to the gym so CB can have a mom that is fit, active, and fun!
I start my P17 shots next week and picked up my first vial (5 shots) for $55.00 this week.
So, this pregnancy is progressing. We've had our fair share of rough moments already, but we are still blessed to be pregnant and for the most part...complication free.
As we progress through the next 8 weeks, we have a lot going on. Bailey's 1st birthday is April 30th, which is only about 2 weeks away. I'm having anxiety about it, but know it will be okay. And our other big milestone will be to get to June 9th....23 weeks. My personal challenge that week is that internal audit will be here, so I will have no time to myself and will have quite a bit of stress.
One day at a time...sometimes even only one minute at a time...we're getting there though.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Cerclage in Place
I had my cerclage put in on Friday morning and so far all is going well. We went in for the procedure and had to check in at 5:00 a.m. We got checked in and put in a room in our own room in Labor and Delivery (that was awkward) and nurses were in before long to check CB's heartbeat and had to chase him or her all over the place and the monitor got kicked multiple times (we could actually hear it). We had a good laugh about that.
It took 3 different nurses and 5 different attempts to get my IV in place. A spot on my right arm STILL hurts today. At one point, Dr. Mirabile was in my room and saw 3 nurses and told them that if they didn't get it by the next time that they needed to stop poking on me and get my anesthesiologist up there to do it.
Right at 7:00 a.m., they rolled me out of my room and down to surgery. I had my spinal block done and was in the stirrups within minutes. The procedure took about 30 minutes from start to finish and Dr. Mirabile said it was very easy and went fantastically! That made me happy.
I really had to focus on not freaking out when I got in the operating room. I knew having the spinal would make me feel exactly like I did when I was getting ready for my c-section, and I vividly remember freaking out towards the end of my c-section because I don't like being able to feel my feet. The stirrups made this experience different in a way, so that made it a little easier.
After I was rolled back in my room, Adam was quickly asleep and I dozed off and on. Again, it reminded me of post c-section because my nurse was in and out. I started getting feeling back in my legs a couple of hours later and asked for something for the pain around 10:30. Around noon my nurse got me up to try to go and use the bathroom. I got up, got to the bathroom, but still had no feeling in my nether-regions so I couldn't do anything. So, back to bed I went, and ordered lunch.
Right about the time my lunch arrived, I was so nauseated that I couldn't eat. The next time my nurse came in, I told her that, and she said it was probably because of a full bladder. She decided to go ahead and do a catheter to empty my bladder...and boy was it full! She drained over 1100 CC's...and the pressure instantly went away and so did the nausea.
I finally got enough feeling back to be able to go to the bathroom on my own around 3:00 and was discharged around 3:45. I was able to walk out of the hospital and was so grateful for that. They offered a wheelchair, but any mom who has been through loss understands that being rolled out of the hospital with no baby in their arms, it's an empty feeling. And even though my baby is still in my belly, safe and sound, I couldn't bear the thought of using that wheelchair. So, I walked my happy self out!
I took one more pain pill when I got home and since then I have taken Tylenol. So, overall, I think I'm doing well! We're almost out of the first trimester and I'm thrilled about that!
It took 3 different nurses and 5 different attempts to get my IV in place. A spot on my right arm STILL hurts today. At one point, Dr. Mirabile was in my room and saw 3 nurses and told them that if they didn't get it by the next time that they needed to stop poking on me and get my anesthesiologist up there to do it.
Right at 7:00 a.m., they rolled me out of my room and down to surgery. I had my spinal block done and was in the stirrups within minutes. The procedure took about 30 minutes from start to finish and Dr. Mirabile said it was very easy and went fantastically! That made me happy.
I really had to focus on not freaking out when I got in the operating room. I knew having the spinal would make me feel exactly like I did when I was getting ready for my c-section, and I vividly remember freaking out towards the end of my c-section because I don't like being able to feel my feet. The stirrups made this experience different in a way, so that made it a little easier.
After I was rolled back in my room, Adam was quickly asleep and I dozed off and on. Again, it reminded me of post c-section because my nurse was in and out. I started getting feeling back in my legs a couple of hours later and asked for something for the pain around 10:30. Around noon my nurse got me up to try to go and use the bathroom. I got up, got to the bathroom, but still had no feeling in my nether-regions so I couldn't do anything. So, back to bed I went, and ordered lunch.
Right about the time my lunch arrived, I was so nauseated that I couldn't eat. The next time my nurse came in, I told her that, and she said it was probably because of a full bladder. She decided to go ahead and do a catheter to empty my bladder...and boy was it full! She drained over 1100 CC's...and the pressure instantly went away and so did the nausea.
I finally got enough feeling back to be able to go to the bathroom on my own around 3:00 and was discharged around 3:45. I was able to walk out of the hospital and was so grateful for that. They offered a wheelchair, but any mom who has been through loss understands that being rolled out of the hospital with no baby in their arms, it's an empty feeling. And even though my baby is still in my belly, safe and sound, I couldn't bear the thought of using that wheelchair. So, I walked my happy self out!
I took one more pain pill when I got home and since then I have taken Tylenol. So, overall, I think I'm doing well! We're almost out of the first trimester and I'm thrilled about that!
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