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Saturday, August 6, 2011

I Feel Like a Burden

I've said it before and I'll say it again...pregnancy after loss is HARD.  I feel like such a burden.  We are being seen by 2 Dr.'s, being seen by my regular Dr. once a week (and have been since week 10), having NSTs done twice a week, and I still am in constant worry.

Today, we went to have our NST done at noon.  By noon, Cameron hadn't moved much, but she passed her NST with no problem.  But, it seems like none of the nurses understand why we are already having NSTs and really why.  But all are sympathetic when they hear about Bailey.

We went through the rest of the day, and as I am sitting on the couch writing thank you notes to all the wonderful people who have given us gifts for Miss Cameron, I started thinking that really I haven't felt Cameron very much all day.

So, I called the nurses line because since I had the NST earlier, I didn't know if they wanted me to go back in or not to be monitored.  She patched me through to my Dr. and she said if we are worried then to go ahead and go in.  I felt awful, because she was talking to her child and telling him/her that it was time to go to bed. 

After I got off the phone with her, I just lost it.  Because honestly, no matter how much I can picture bringing Cameron home, I cannot stop worrying that something horrible is going to happen in the next 6 weeks.  I imagine the worst still.  And I think at times:  I've had a 1st trimester and 2nd trimester I going to have a 3rd trimester loss too?  And then I sit there and think about why I am tormenting myself asking things that I have no control over.  But, the imagination runs.  But, I told Adam I hate feeling like I am such a burden to everyone.  I can imagine the nurses all running away when they hear my name up on second floor triage.  And I do...I feel like a burden.

We got to the hospital and Cameron started moving around some, so we came home.  We'll see what tomorrow hold for us, and see if she is more awake.

Does the constant worry ever go away?


Angela said...

I'm a wreck all of the time too. I think we carry the worry with us always, it just comes with being a parent and once you're a baby loss parent it magnifies.

Don't worry about being a burden. The nurses and doctors are being paid by you (or your insurance) so might as well get your money out of them :) Seriously though, do what you need to make it through the next few weeks.

Violet1122 said...

This post brought me right back to how I was feeling when I was pregnant with my rainbow. I was worried every minute of every day. Especially when you get towards of the end of pregnancy, the worry can be overwhelming. I used to feel like God was going to take this baby away from me, too - right at the last moment. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I wish I could say that I found some magic thing that stopped the worrying and fear. The only advice I can give is to take things day by day. And I feel bad to say that, because I know you already are doing that - and that advice isn't helpful.

Don't be afraid that you are a burden. You are not! You are a mother, and you have to do everything you can to protect your baby. You are not over-reacting, trust me.

I hope you feel many nice kicks and movement when you need them the most in the coming days.

((Big Hugs))

LookItsJessica said...

I am very scared of what I will be like during my next pregnancy but it is what it is, I know I'll be a mess. Try not to feel like a burden, doctors know what theyre in for when they decide to become docs. Their job is one of the most important: making sure you and your new baby are healthy. I bet your doctor isn't even bothered at ALL by you. Like you said, she's a mother and she knows how important it is to make sure your kids are healthy. I actually admire you for making sure and doing every single thing you can to ensure that ALL is being done to bring baby #2 safely into the world.

Elaine said...

I felt the same way when I was preggo with Caleb. I felt like I was "bothering" everyone. But my doctor said, anxiety is a real condition. Even if the baby is ok they need to reassure me so that I will feel better and be healthier. Try to look at it like that, I know it's hard. Taking care of your concerns is helping Cameron!
And no, the worry will never go away! sorry :)

bibc said...

please don't ever feel like a burden for worrying or taking care of your baby. this is important. you go in whenever you don't feel right or need reassurance. they really do understand.
thinking of you and hoping these last few weeks go easily.

Allison said...

Oh Danae, I felt the exact same way! I felt like I was constantly bothering the nurses and front desk help and the doctors and my friends and my family and anyone who would listen with all of my worries. And I worried up until I heard BB's cry. I was so afraid something was going to happen again. I kept telling myself that my fears were completely normal. I would get so frustrated when people would tell me, "don't worry, everything will be fine." Easy for them to say when they haven't lost a child and when they aren't feeling the decreased movement or compulsive hiccups or strange/unfamilar twinge! Hang in there! I hope Ms. Cameron gives you lots of kicks to ease your worries some. I know it's hard. I am with you, cheering for the both of you! Much love!

Rhiannon said...

I feel the same exact way! I am wishing time away and hoping that the never ending worry goes with it and just want this sweet girl in my arms. I think this worry will always be there, it's just part of us now. Hang in, we are getting there! September is right around the corner :)

car said...

You are not a burden Danae. Some women need to see the doctor often to deal with blood pressure or diabetes or some other condition, you are there to control you anxiety which is just as much a concern as any other medical issue since it affects you and Cameron. You keep doing whatever you need to do to get through the next 6 weeks.