Sixteen...two different ways this word hits home today.
Sixteen months since we said goodbye to our precious Bailey.
Sixteen days til we say hello (hopefully) to our rainbow baby Cameron.
I've never been one to figure out when numbers or paths would cross. But, it hit me yesterday with this one on the way home. I wasn't even really thinking about it (not in the fore front anyways), but apparently something in my subconscious was thinking about it.
It's amazing...16 months have seem like they have flown by...I can't believe it's been 16 months since our precious little girl grew her wings. But, yet it's amazing that the next 16 days are probably going to draaaag by before we can meet our beautiful rainbow.
Time is an interesting thing.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
21 days to go!
34 weeks today! Hooray! It's been an eventful week and I'm exhausted. Where do I begin? Okay, okay...let's start with the picture of the belly...Cameron is hanging out most definitely!
Okay - now that I have that taken care of...let's talk about my week...It's been a long one. Let's start with last Friday and work from there...
Friday - Got put on antibiotics because my Dr.'s office thought I might have an infection. Turns out, I don't, so now I get to take 7 days worth of antibiotics. Tomorrow morning is my last 2 pills!
This weekend was rather normal. We went to Babies R Us and bought some of the remaining items we needed. Sunday we met a couple of friends that we haven't seen in a while and had lunch. It was great to catch up with them. Sunday evening, Adam had a business meeting for a side job, so we went to that. And then, here comes Monday...
Monday morning - I got to work and didn't feel well. I felt off and I was having pain, so we made the trip to L&D. We had a nurse that for a lack of a better term was really just kind of a bitch. I was NOT impressed. This nurse made the nurse that put us through the ringer for our NST seem like a saint (which by the way...after talking to my Dr., we found out that the NST nurse is just VERY thorough). So, Nurse B (her name really did start with a B, but you can insert the other word if you prefer) asked questions, but didn't ask the right questions...
Number of pregnancies? 4
Number of births? This will be our second
Your having pain? Yes, all in the front.
Is it normal pregnancy pain? I wouldn't know...I've never been this far. (The more sarcastic side of me wanted to say "If I knew it was normal, do you think I would be here?!).
What else are you here for? I don't feel well...I feel off.
Off. Hmph.
I was done with her at that point. She had that crappy, insincere smile on her face, and that made me mad too. Dr. W (who was on duty and is also the same Dr. that delivered Bailey) ordered a BPP and measurement scan. It took the u/s tech FOREVER! Honestly, I think I fell asleep while waiting on her. The screen on the machine was horrible, and we couldn't see anything. Tech at the hospital got Cameron measuring right on track...that concerned me, because our MFM has had her measuring ahead by 2 weeks for our last 3 appointments. Dr. L (my Dr.) told us to go by what the MFM's office has said, because the machines at the hospital are terrible.
Cameron was a lazy baby during her BPP, so she didn't not get points for making big movements. I still didn't feel well, so Dr. W came in and said that I might possibly be dehydrated, so they were going to stick me on some IV fluids...took them 3 tries...I LOVE my veins. :P We stayed to be monitored all afternoon and to get more fluids in me. Fortunately, we were moved out Triage and given a different nurse...because if I would have stayed, I probably would have been exceptionally hateful to Nurse B.
I felt better when we left but was exhausted. And I wasn't allowed to go back to work until I saw Dr. L on Wednesday afternoon.
Dr. L let me go back to work starting today, so I am back to work and everything is somewhat normal.
Okay - now that I have that taken care of...let's talk about my week...It's been a long one. Let's start with last Friday and work from there...
Friday - Got put on antibiotics because my Dr.'s office thought I might have an infection. Turns out, I don't, so now I get to take 7 days worth of antibiotics. Tomorrow morning is my last 2 pills!
This weekend was rather normal. We went to Babies R Us and bought some of the remaining items we needed. Sunday we met a couple of friends that we haven't seen in a while and had lunch. It was great to catch up with them. Sunday evening, Adam had a business meeting for a side job, so we went to that. And then, here comes Monday...
Monday morning - I got to work and didn't feel well. I felt off and I was having pain, so we made the trip to L&D. We had a nurse that for a lack of a better term was really just kind of a bitch. I was NOT impressed. This nurse made the nurse that put us through the ringer for our NST seem like a saint (which by the way...after talking to my Dr., we found out that the NST nurse is just VERY thorough). So, Nurse B (her name really did start with a B, but you can insert the other word if you prefer) asked questions, but didn't ask the right questions...
Number of pregnancies? 4
Number of births? This will be our second
Your having pain? Yes, all in the front.
Is it normal pregnancy pain? I wouldn't know...I've never been this far. (The more sarcastic side of me wanted to say "If I knew it was normal, do you think I would be here?!).
What else are you here for? I don't feel well...I feel off.
Off. Hmph.
I was done with her at that point. She had that crappy, insincere smile on her face, and that made me mad too. Dr. W (who was on duty and is also the same Dr. that delivered Bailey) ordered a BPP and measurement scan. It took the u/s tech FOREVER! Honestly, I think I fell asleep while waiting on her. The screen on the machine was horrible, and we couldn't see anything. Tech at the hospital got Cameron measuring right on track...that concerned me, because our MFM has had her measuring ahead by 2 weeks for our last 3 appointments. Dr. L (my Dr.) told us to go by what the MFM's office has said, because the machines at the hospital are terrible.
Cameron was a lazy baby during her BPP, so she didn't not get points for making big movements. I still didn't feel well, so Dr. W came in and said that I might possibly be dehydrated, so they were going to stick me on some IV fluids...took them 3 tries...I LOVE my veins. :P We stayed to be monitored all afternoon and to get more fluids in me. Fortunately, we were moved out Triage and given a different nurse...because if I would have stayed, I probably would have been exceptionally hateful to Nurse B.
I felt better when we left but was exhausted. And I wasn't allowed to go back to work until I saw Dr. L on Wednesday afternoon.
Dr. L let me go back to work starting today, so I am back to work and everything is somewhat normal.
We did however pack our bags for the hospital! I'm glad to have it done, and it's all ready to go should we need to leave immediately.
By this time, in 3 weeks, we will hopefully be holding a healthy, living, breathing baby...and I'm excited, anxious, and nervous all wrapped up in one!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Call Us the Conversation Killers
Over the span of the first year after Bailey's death, we really did not get the "kids question" very much. In fact, the first time I got the question was closer to the end of 2010. Adam had gotten it once or twice, but not many.
Now, being VERY pregnant, we have gotten the question MANY times...and here's how the conversations go:
How much longer do you have? Insert time here until September 15th...
Is this your first? No, it's our second.
How old is your first? She passed shortly after birth.
Oh my gosh...I'm so sorry.
Insert cricket noises here, because the conversation normally goes completely silent after that. But, the fact of the matter is...this is our second baby. But, I REFUSE to answer the question and tell people this is our first. I feel like I am not doing Bailey justice if I say that Cameron is our first.
Today, the conversation with a woman who was showing us where something was in Best Buy went exactly the way I just listed it. After she walked off, I looked at Adam and said "Wow, are we conversation killers, or what?". We both laughed...yes, morbid sense of humor there, but what else can you do? We looked at what we needed to look at, and then we moved on. We checked out (Adam bought Portal 2) and headed outside. We carried on with the conversation about how we have really killed some conversations with innocent, unknowing strangers, who asked what "should be" a simple question.
But, it's not a simple question. And it definitely doesn't have a simple answer. But, let me tell you, that's the quickest way to cease a conversation.
And I bet we continue to get the question after Miss Cameron arrives and comes home (hopefully). And the answer will remain the same. Forever and always.
**Sweet baby girl, mommy and daddy will never leave you out of our kid count. You are our sweet forever baby, and you will always count.**
Now, being VERY pregnant, we have gotten the question MANY times...and here's how the conversations go:
How much longer do you have? Insert time here until September 15th...
Is this your first? No, it's our second.
How old is your first? She passed shortly after birth.
Oh my gosh...I'm so sorry.
Insert cricket noises here, because the conversation normally goes completely silent after that. But, the fact of the matter is...this is our second baby. But, I REFUSE to answer the question and tell people this is our first. I feel like I am not doing Bailey justice if I say that Cameron is our first.
Today, the conversation with a woman who was showing us where something was in Best Buy went exactly the way I just listed it. After she walked off, I looked at Adam and said "Wow, are we conversation killers, or what?". We both laughed...yes, morbid sense of humor there, but what else can you do? We looked at what we needed to look at, and then we moved on. We checked out (Adam bought Portal 2) and headed outside. We carried on with the conversation about how we have really killed some conversations with innocent, unknowing strangers, who asked what "should be" a simple question.
But, it's not a simple question. And it definitely doesn't have a simple answer. But, let me tell you, that's the quickest way to cease a conversation.
And I bet we continue to get the question after Miss Cameron arrives and comes home (hopefully). And the answer will remain the same. Forever and always.
**Sweet baby girl, mommy and daddy will never leave you out of our kid count. You are our sweet forever baby, and you will always count.**
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Bailey's Memorial Stone
Last week, Bailey's memorial was placed. We started the process in April, but had some decisions to make, and then went back and finally started putting the pencil to the paper.
The woman who worked with us on the headstone was so kind. She was always willing to meet us on Saturdays (when they are normally closed), so it would be convenient for us, and so we wouldn't have to take more time off work. Even when Adam was the one who was doing majority of the traveling and making decisions (we designed it together and then there were just a few minor things he had to do), she always asked how Cameron and I were doing.
After a couple of months, lots of decisions...here is the final product. We couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out. It is perfect for our sweet Bailey and is the perfect memorial for her final resting place.
Her memorial has her birthdate/DOD with the time she was born and the time she died. The footprints is an image of her actual footprints, and the saying at the bottom says "An hour in this world...forever in our hearts". This phrase we have engraved on picture frames that were given to both sets of grandparents and I have it engraved on a frame I keep in my office.
Sorry for the rather terrible picture...the sun was setting and made it hard to get a decent one. We hope to be down that way again soon and in the morning so we can get better pictures.
The woman who worked with us on the headstone was so kind. She was always willing to meet us on Saturdays (when they are normally closed), so it would be convenient for us, and so we wouldn't have to take more time off work. Even when Adam was the one who was doing majority of the traveling and making decisions (we designed it together and then there were just a few minor things he had to do), she always asked how Cameron and I were doing.
After a couple of months, lots of decisions...here is the final product. We couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out. It is perfect for our sweet Bailey and is the perfect memorial for her final resting place.
Her memorial has her birthdate/DOD with the time she was born and the time she died. The footprints is an image of her actual footprints, and the saying at the bottom says "An hour in this world...forever in our hearts". This phrase we have engraved on picture frames that were given to both sets of grandparents and I have it engraved on a frame I keep in my office.
Sorry for the rather terrible picture...the sun was setting and made it hard to get a decent one. We hope to be down that way again soon and in the morning so we can get better pictures.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
32 Weeks!
This post is only a couple of days late...I meant to write it on Thursday when I actually hit 32 weeks, but I find of forgot...Oops!
I have to admit...31 weeks made me nervous. I know too many people who have had their babies at 31 weeks, and even though all babies are doing wonderfully, I just didn't want to join that group! So to be past the 31 week range, helped me breathe a little sigh of relief.
Since making it to 32 weeks, what have we gotten accomplished? I have gotten both of the steroid shots, which were planned, just in case I do happen to have Miss Cameron earlier than the planned 37 week delivery. Honestly, I have heard many people say how much those shots hurt...I thought they were both a piece of cake. My weekly P17 shot hurts more on most weeks than those did.
We hung up Cameron's letters in her room. This is a HUGE step for us. We have now personalized her room to the point where it.is.hers. The nursery started out as being planned as the nursery. When we were pregnant with Bailey, it was going to be Bailey's room, but we never got a chance to personalize it. There were a few clothes we had bought for her, but nothing with her name on it. Then after she died, it because "the nursery" again.
Now, there are letters hanging on a wall in there that specifically say Cameron! It is HER room. My dear BLM and friend, Jessica Malloy at Crafty Creations handpainted Miss Cameron's letters for us, and they look wonderful! She is so creative and I recommend her to anyone!
I have to admit...31 weeks made me nervous. I know too many people who have had their babies at 31 weeks, and even though all babies are doing wonderfully, I just didn't want to join that group! So to be past the 31 week range, helped me breathe a little sigh of relief.
Since making it to 32 weeks, what have we gotten accomplished? I have gotten both of the steroid shots, which were planned, just in case I do happen to have Miss Cameron earlier than the planned 37 week delivery. Honestly, I have heard many people say how much those shots hurt...I thought they were both a piece of cake. My weekly P17 shot hurts more on most weeks than those did.
We hung up Cameron's letters in her room. This is a HUGE step for us. We have now personalized her room to the point where it.is.hers. The nursery started out as being planned as the nursery. When we were pregnant with Bailey, it was going to be Bailey's room, but we never got a chance to personalize it. There were a few clothes we had bought for her, but nothing with her name on it. Then after she died, it because "the nursery" again.
Now, there are letters hanging on a wall in there that specifically say Cameron! It is HER room. My dear BLM and friend, Jessica Malloy at Crafty Creations handpainted Miss Cameron's letters for us, and they look wonderful! She is so creative and I recommend her to anyone!
Close(r) up picture of the letters on the wall
Picture with the other decorations I got at one of my showers
I have finished Cameron's blanket I have been knitting for her. Adam chose the color, so it's purple of course, but I think it looks very nice! I am very excited to have it finished, because I think it's a blanket I would like to take to the hospital to use as the backdrop for her hospital pictures. Now I just need to choose her picture outfit!
Closer up picture and the blanket is folded in quarters
Blanket is laid out on the couch...excuse my feet at the bottom. :)
Since finishing Cameron's blanket, I have started working on Adam's blanket that I bought the material for in 2008. It's John Deere...and honestly, I haven't been to excited to work on it...lol
And finally, pictures from this week of the ever growing belly!
She's in there and she's growing!
My view!
We are getting closer, but we aren't out of the woods until she is here, safe and sound, alive and breathing, and being loved on by all the people who have anticipated her arrival for so long.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I Feel Like a Burden
I've said it before and I'll say it again...pregnancy after loss is HARD. I feel like such a burden. We are being seen by 2 Dr.'s, being seen by my regular Dr. once a week (and have been since week 10), having NSTs done twice a week, and I still am in constant worry.
Today, we went to have our NST done at noon. By noon, Cameron hadn't moved much, but she passed her NST with no problem. But, it seems like none of the nurses understand why we are already having NSTs and really why. But all are sympathetic when they hear about Bailey.
We went through the rest of the day, and as I am sitting on the couch writing thank you notes to all the wonderful people who have given us gifts for Miss Cameron, I started thinking that really I haven't felt Cameron very much all day.
So, I called the nurses line because since I had the NST earlier, I didn't know if they wanted me to go back in or not to be monitored. She patched me through to my Dr. and she said if we are worried then to go ahead and go in. I felt awful, because she was talking to her child and telling him/her that it was time to go to bed.
After I got off the phone with her, I just lost it. Because honestly, no matter how much I can picture bringing Cameron home, I cannot stop worrying that something horrible is going to happen in the next 6 weeks. I imagine the worst still. And I think at times: I've had a 1st trimester and 2nd trimester loss...am I going to have a 3rd trimester loss too? And then I sit there and think about why I am tormenting myself asking things that I have no control over. But, the imagination runs. But, I told Adam I hate feeling like I am such a burden to everyone. I can imagine the nurses all running away when they hear my name up on second floor triage. And I do...I feel like a burden.
We got to the hospital and Cameron started moving around some, so we came home. We'll see what tomorrow hold for us, and see if she is more awake.
Does the constant worry ever go away?
Today, we went to have our NST done at noon. By noon, Cameron hadn't moved much, but she passed her NST with no problem. But, it seems like none of the nurses understand why we are already having NSTs and really why. But all are sympathetic when they hear about Bailey.
We went through the rest of the day, and as I am sitting on the couch writing thank you notes to all the wonderful people who have given us gifts for Miss Cameron, I started thinking that really I haven't felt Cameron very much all day.
So, I called the nurses line because since I had the NST earlier, I didn't know if they wanted me to go back in or not to be monitored. She patched me through to my Dr. and she said if we are worried then to go ahead and go in. I felt awful, because she was talking to her child and telling him/her that it was time to go to bed.
After I got off the phone with her, I just lost it. Because honestly, no matter how much I can picture bringing Cameron home, I cannot stop worrying that something horrible is going to happen in the next 6 weeks. I imagine the worst still. And I think at times: I've had a 1st trimester and 2nd trimester loss...am I going to have a 3rd trimester loss too? And then I sit there and think about why I am tormenting myself asking things that I have no control over. But, the imagination runs. But, I told Adam I hate feeling like I am such a burden to everyone. I can imagine the nurses all running away when they hear my name up on second floor triage. And I do...I feel like a burden.
We got to the hospital and Cameron started moving around some, so we came home. We'll see what tomorrow hold for us, and see if she is more awake.
Does the constant worry ever go away?
Monday, July 25, 2011
29w4d MFM Appointment
Today we went for our MFM appointment. Cameron was super bouncy and would not sit still and it was so funny! Our u/s tech was really nice (which they all have been nice, but some are just more "to the point" than others) but was a little rough with the ultrasound wand at times. She gave us lots of pictures and then even burned them onto a CD for us!
Cameron is still measuring ahead (they didn't tell us how much this time, but I think it's still close to 2 weeks based on what I was gathering when I was watching them take measurements) and she is weighing in at 3 lbs 15 oz!
She tried to hide behind the placenta again when they were doing 4D pictures (like she always does), but they still got a couple of good ones!
I got tickled at times because the u/s tech would move the wand and dig into my belly and as soon as she would move it away, Cameron would kick back. It was almost like "you poke me, I'll poke you!". It was amusing.
Dr. M. thinks everything looks great and he is very pleased with how everything is going. I see him again in 3 weeks for another cervical check (which was about 3cm today, no shortening or anything) and then one more time after that for a final growth check, and then we are released from his care! His parting words as he finished up his part of checking was "You better get to decorating, because she's sticking around!". I really hope he's right.
I picked up my LAST vial of P17 shots today (5 shots left to go!). I reflected on the fact that we are 7w2d (plus a few hours) away from meeting this little girl. I am so excited and so nervous at the same time! This weekend is my first baby shower and I just marvel at the fact that we have actually gotten far enough to have a baby shower this time! At times I am afraid someone is going to pinch me and wake me up and tell me it is all just a dream.
I leave you with a few photos from our u/s today...
Cameron is still measuring ahead (they didn't tell us how much this time, but I think it's still close to 2 weeks based on what I was gathering when I was watching them take measurements) and she is weighing in at 3 lbs 15 oz!
She tried to hide behind the placenta again when they were doing 4D pictures (like she always does), but they still got a couple of good ones!
I got tickled at times because the u/s tech would move the wand and dig into my belly and as soon as she would move it away, Cameron would kick back. It was almost like "you poke me, I'll poke you!". It was amusing.
Dr. M. thinks everything looks great and he is very pleased with how everything is going. I see him again in 3 weeks for another cervical check (which was about 3cm today, no shortening or anything) and then one more time after that for a final growth check, and then we are released from his care! His parting words as he finished up his part of checking was "You better get to decorating, because she's sticking around!". I really hope he's right.
I picked up my LAST vial of P17 shots today (5 shots left to go!). I reflected on the fact that we are 7w2d (plus a few hours) away from meeting this little girl. I am so excited and so nervous at the same time! This weekend is my first baby shower and I just marvel at the fact that we have actually gotten far enough to have a baby shower this time! At times I am afraid someone is going to pinch me and wake me up and tell me it is all just a dream.
I leave you with a few photos from our u/s today...
A nice profile shot
Feet crossed and relaxing...
And my favorite from today - the 4D of her face...it looks like she was smiling at us!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
29 weeks and first NST
Had our regular weekly Dr.'s appointment yesterday afternoon, and they asked about Cameron and movement. Honestly, there are some days that my little girl is just rather lazy. I think she takes after her daddy (hence my last post about our trip to L&D last week).
My Dr. recommended we start bi-weekly NSTs (non-stress tests) until we can get in to start doing weekly BPPs (biophysical profiles). The BPPs we can do in her office, but the NSTs we have to do at L&D. So, we went yesterday after my appointment for my first one.
We got there and got checked in, and the nurse came to get us and she asked what we were there for and I told her jokingly "because I have a lazy child". Apparently she wasn't a joker. She goes "So, what? Decreased fetal movement?". I explained to her we had that last week, and since she isn't a big mover some days my Dr. wants to start these. Why does she care? Do it because my Dr.'s office sent over the freaking orders lady!
The nurse was not very friendly (mind you, I've been at that hospital MANY times over the course of the last 2 pregnancies (more times this time than last time) and everyone is normally really nice, so this kind of perturbed me. She got me hooked up, made me turn in a funny position in the chair because Cameron was not cooperating (shocker!) and then started asking me 20 questions. See conversation below...Nurses questions/comments are in bold. My answers are not.
How many pregnancies have you had? 4
How many living children do you have? None
What medications are you on? Prenatal, extra folic acid, colace...oh and I just had my weekly progesterone shot!
Do you drink? No
Do you smoke? No
Do you do recreational drugs? No
Wait a minute.....it says here that you had a previous c-section? Yes, at 23 weeks.
But you said you have no living children? Right
So?.....She didn't survive.
Oh my...I'm so sorry.
And magically, she was nicer to me! What's sad is that it took her finding out I have a baby who died for her to be nicer to me. What about the people who come in who have surviving children? Do they still get the harsh, meanie treatment?
Adam said I was too hard on her. I explained to him that I don't expect everyone to be nice to me all the time. And I understand that not everyone on this planet knows my story. BUT, she is a freaking nurse in LABOR & DELIVERY and needs to have a little bit nicer bed-side manner. I expect that kind of treatment in the ER...not in L&D. Pregnancy is scary even if you haven't been through everything we have, but it should NOT take someone finding out about a dead baby for them to be nice to their patient?
Am I over-reacting?
On another note, TODAY marks 29 weeks! I'm pretty excited about that, because that means this is our last week in the 20's and we are only 8 weeks away from meeting Cameron! So, you hear that little girl? You only have 8 more weeks, and I don't expect to see you until then! We are a week and a couple of days out from our family and non-work friends baby-shower and 2 weeks and 1 day out from my work baby-shower. And I am actually starting to get excited about them both! I never imagined us getting to this point, but we are really here now!
My Dr. recommended we start bi-weekly NSTs (non-stress tests) until we can get in to start doing weekly BPPs (biophysical profiles). The BPPs we can do in her office, but the NSTs we have to do at L&D. So, we went yesterday after my appointment for my first one.
We got there and got checked in, and the nurse came to get us and she asked what we were there for and I told her jokingly "because I have a lazy child". Apparently she wasn't a joker. She goes "So, what? Decreased fetal movement?". I explained to her we had that last week, and since she isn't a big mover some days my Dr. wants to start these. Why does she care? Do it because my Dr.'s office sent over the freaking orders lady!
The nurse was not very friendly (mind you, I've been at that hospital MANY times over the course of the last 2 pregnancies (more times this time than last time) and everyone is normally really nice, so this kind of perturbed me. She got me hooked up, made me turn in a funny position in the chair because Cameron was not cooperating (shocker!) and then started asking me 20 questions. See conversation below...Nurses questions/comments are in bold. My answers are not.
How many pregnancies have you had? 4
How many living children do you have? None
What medications are you on? Prenatal, extra folic acid, colace...oh and I just had my weekly progesterone shot!
Do you drink? No
Do you smoke? No
Do you do recreational drugs? No
Wait a minute.....it says here that you had a previous c-section? Yes, at 23 weeks.
But you said you have no living children? Right
So?.....She didn't survive.
Oh my...I'm so sorry.
And magically, she was nicer to me! What's sad is that it took her finding out I have a baby who died for her to be nicer to me. What about the people who come in who have surviving children? Do they still get the harsh, meanie treatment?
Adam said I was too hard on her. I explained to him that I don't expect everyone to be nice to me all the time. And I understand that not everyone on this planet knows my story. BUT, she is a freaking nurse in LABOR & DELIVERY and needs to have a little bit nicer bed-side manner. I expect that kind of treatment in the ER...not in L&D. Pregnancy is scary even if you haven't been through everything we have, but it should NOT take someone finding out about a dead baby for them to be nice to their patient?
Am I over-reacting?
On another note, TODAY marks 29 weeks! I'm pretty excited about that, because that means this is our last week in the 20's and we are only 8 weeks away from meeting Cameron! So, you hear that little girl? You only have 8 more weeks, and I don't expect to see you until then! We are a week and a couple of days out from our family and non-work friends baby-shower and 2 weeks and 1 day out from my work baby-shower. And I am actually starting to get excited about them both! I never imagined us getting to this point, but we are really here now!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Lazy, Stubborn, or Just Her Daddy's Little Girl?
I know some of you who are out in blog land and who actually read this, are wondering after my last post if Cameron woke up and started jigging, or did we end up going to L&D?
Well, we went ahead and went. I get off of the elevators to walk into 2nd floor Triage, and a woman I work with was there waiting for her niece to have her baby. Her immediate question was "WHAT are you doing here?". I told her Cameron hadn't been very active so we were going to get hooked up to the monitors.
As we waited on the Triage nurse to come and get us, I felt a singular thump. Now, keep in mind, I was not worried about her being gone, I was just worried that she was stressed. There is a difference.
The nurse came and got us and hooked me up to the monitors...that did the trick...Cameron is NOT a fan of being hooked up, and within minutes was kicking around. We were monitored for about 30 minutes and they never saw that she was under duress, and her heartrate stayed consistently in the 130-140's, so we were released to go home.
She nudged a few more time last night before I headed off to bed. She woke me up in the middle of the night with a couple of nudges (I was also in the process of waking up to go pee and to let Desmond out to go pee because he was whining), and she has already nudged me a couple of times this morning.
So, after our trip to L&D yesterday, I was trying to figure out if she was just being lazy, being stubborn, or just being her Daddy's girl and being laid back and not giving a rat's behind about whether she was making mommy nervous!
I am glad she is well and still hanging out firmly inside me. We have 8w6d or even 2 months from today (September 15th is the goal date) til we meet this sweet girl...I am so excited and nervous all at the same time, and I can't wait! It seems like just yesterday I was at 8w6d and was thinking that September/October was REALLY far way!
Well, we went ahead and went. I get off of the elevators to walk into 2nd floor Triage, and a woman I work with was there waiting for her niece to have her baby. Her immediate question was "WHAT are you doing here?". I told her Cameron hadn't been very active so we were going to get hooked up to the monitors.
As we waited on the Triage nurse to come and get us, I felt a singular thump. Now, keep in mind, I was not worried about her being gone, I was just worried that she was stressed. There is a difference.
The nurse came and got us and hooked me up to the monitors...that did the trick...Cameron is NOT a fan of being hooked up, and within minutes was kicking around. We were monitored for about 30 minutes and they never saw that she was under duress, and her heartrate stayed consistently in the 130-140's, so we were released to go home.
She nudged a few more time last night before I headed off to bed. She woke me up in the middle of the night with a couple of nudges (I was also in the process of waking up to go pee and to let Desmond out to go pee because he was whining), and she has already nudged me a couple of times this morning.
So, after our trip to L&D yesterday, I was trying to figure out if she was just being lazy, being stubborn, or just being her Daddy's girl and being laid back and not giving a rat's behind about whether she was making mommy nervous!
I am glad she is well and still hanging out firmly inside me. We have 8w6d or even 2 months from today (September 15th is the goal date) til we meet this sweet girl...I am so excited and nervous all at the same time, and I can't wait! It seems like just yesterday I was at 8w6d and was thinking that September/October was REALLY far way!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Third Trimester! 28 weeks!
We are here! 28 weeks! FINALLY! I am thrilled to be in the 3rd trimester. But as I sit here writing this post, I worry because Cameron has not been very active today. If she doesn't start moving in the next 15 minutes or so, I think we are going to make a little trip to L&D so she can be monitored for a little while. I just want to make sure she isn't under duress. If we go, that will be another post later.
We went for our appointment with the MFM on Monday, and they estimate our little girl to be almost 2 weeks ahead of schedule measurement wise, and she is weighing in at just a little over 3 pounds! Dr. M would rather her be big than small.
I probably have more to say, but I'm having problems thinking right now. So, I just leave you with a picture of me and little girl at 28 weeks! It's not a great picture because Adam is awful with the camera...or at least I'm just going to blame it on him. :)
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We went for our appointment with the MFM on Monday, and they estimate our little girl to be almost 2 weeks ahead of schedule measurement wise, and she is weighing in at just a little over 3 pounds! Dr. M would rather her be big than small.
I probably have more to say, but I'm having problems thinking right now. So, I just leave you with a picture of me and little girl at 28 weeks! It's not a great picture because Adam is awful with the camera...or at least I'm just going to blame it on him. :)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
My Theory
I got my results today for my 3 hour glucose test that I took yesterday, and based on my results, it goes with a theory I have. Today, I told someone that I had no doubt that I passed my 3 hour test, because they were able to draw my blood each time on the first shot.
I know you are probably wondering what I mean by that, and I will explain.
My theory is that if they don't get my blood on the first attempt, then I usually have bad results. Here's why:
Pregnancy #1: January 2008 - After getting a +HPT, I went in for my blood draw. It took them multiple attempts. I went in for my 2nd blood draw and again it took them multiple attempts. The person who took my blood the first day remembered me the 2nd day based on the fact that I am a hard draw. After draw #2, I started spotting, and miscarried the next day.
Pregnancy #2: June 2008 - After waiting a week to call my Dr.'s office after getting a +HPT, I went in for my first blood draw. Again, 2 sticks. Went back for my 2nd blood draw and the person taking my blood actually came out to get me and said "I drew the short straw". She said it as a joke, because everyone in the office remembered how hard it was to get blood out of me. My results from the 2nd draw? My levels were not increasing appropriately. Ultimately, again, just like the first, I miscarried.
Pregnancy #3: December 2009 - Every time I got my blood drawn, they got me first try. Based on that, I felt better about the pregnancy from the get go. And everything progressed exactly as it should. Things went great until at 23 weeks, my cervix gave out, and into this world came Bailey...17 weeks too soon.
Pregnancy #4: January 2011 - All blood draws for HCG levels were gotten on the first try. Again, I felt good. All routine blood draws so far this pregnancy have been gotten on the first try...EXCEPT for the glucose test...and it took 2 tries and resulted in 2 bruises that I still have over a week later. And what happened on the 2 stick occurrence? I failed my glucose test! I should have known that result was coming!
But, going into the Dr. today, I felt good about the result she would give me, because I knew it was going to be good results...because the woman drawing my blood yesterday was able to stick me 4 times in the same vein and she got blood from me all 4 times. And at my Dr.'s appointment today, my Dr. told me my glucose levels are in the normal range! Hooray!
Everything else is cruising along at status quo. Cameron's heartrate was 145 today, just where it normally is. She's been active and bouncing around tonight. My cervix is high, thick, and closed, and hopefully my fetal fibronectin comes back negative from today.
Tomorrow marks 27 weeks! One month longer than we made it with Bailey, and 10 weeks away from meeting Cameron. My baby showers are in the process of being planned and dates have been set. I feel good and I am hopeful that we will make it to our 37 week delivery date on September 15th!
I know you are probably wondering what I mean by that, and I will explain.
My theory is that if they don't get my blood on the first attempt, then I usually have bad results. Here's why:
Pregnancy #1: January 2008 - After getting a +HPT, I went in for my blood draw. It took them multiple attempts. I went in for my 2nd blood draw and again it took them multiple attempts. The person who took my blood the first day remembered me the 2nd day based on the fact that I am a hard draw. After draw #2, I started spotting, and miscarried the next day.
Pregnancy #2: June 2008 - After waiting a week to call my Dr.'s office after getting a +HPT, I went in for my first blood draw. Again, 2 sticks. Went back for my 2nd blood draw and the person taking my blood actually came out to get me and said "I drew the short straw". She said it as a joke, because everyone in the office remembered how hard it was to get blood out of me. My results from the 2nd draw? My levels were not increasing appropriately. Ultimately, again, just like the first, I miscarried.
Pregnancy #3: December 2009 - Every time I got my blood drawn, they got me first try. Based on that, I felt better about the pregnancy from the get go. And everything progressed exactly as it should. Things went great until at 23 weeks, my cervix gave out, and into this world came Bailey...17 weeks too soon.
Pregnancy #4: January 2011 - All blood draws for HCG levels were gotten on the first try. Again, I felt good. All routine blood draws so far this pregnancy have been gotten on the first try...EXCEPT for the glucose test...and it took 2 tries and resulted in 2 bruises that I still have over a week later. And what happened on the 2 stick occurrence? I failed my glucose test! I should have known that result was coming!
But, going into the Dr. today, I felt good about the result she would give me, because I knew it was going to be good results...because the woman drawing my blood yesterday was able to stick me 4 times in the same vein and she got blood from me all 4 times. And at my Dr.'s appointment today, my Dr. told me my glucose levels are in the normal range! Hooray!
Everything else is cruising along at status quo. Cameron's heartrate was 145 today, just where it normally is. She's been active and bouncing around tonight. My cervix is high, thick, and closed, and hopefully my fetal fibronectin comes back negative from today.
Tomorrow marks 27 weeks! One month longer than we made it with Bailey, and 10 weeks away from meeting Cameron. My baby showers are in the process of being planned and dates have been set. I feel good and I am hopeful that we will make it to our 37 week delivery date on September 15th!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Fail!
So, I failed my 1 hour glucose test...by 3 measley points. The cutoff high is 140...my score was 143. So, Tuesday morning, like a trooper, I am going to go and take my 3 hour test, and pray that I pass. I have to fast for 8-14 hours before the test. I normally eat dinner around 6 p.m. and hit the ground at 5 a.m. and am already hungry. My test starts at 7, which means I won't be done til 10! By 10 a.m., I have typically eaten breakfast AND a snack...I'm going to be so grumpy because I'll be hungry....but, it's okay!
I have to say that when I found out I failed my glucose test on Thursday, I really struggled with it. I even told Adam that night that I haven't ever failed a test. I was always the person that did great on tests and I passed my driving test the first time...but this is one of those tests that I can't control the outcome, and it is what it is.
I still struggle with not being able to control the outcome...even after going through everything I have in the last 14 months.
I just need to learn to let go of that wanting to control things...but, it is so much easier said than done!
Note: I have changed how comments pop up - I don't require the word verification and it will pop up a new window. I know I am having some problems commenting on some people's blogs right now (if I am on my computer), and I have been notified that others are having problems commenting on mine also. I hope this fixes it for the time-being.
I have to say that when I found out I failed my glucose test on Thursday, I really struggled with it. I even told Adam that night that I haven't ever failed a test. I was always the person that did great on tests and I passed my driving test the first time...but this is one of those tests that I can't control the outcome, and it is what it is.
I still struggle with not being able to control the outcome...even after going through everything I have in the last 14 months.
I just need to learn to let go of that wanting to control things...but, it is so much easier said than done!
Note: I have changed how comments pop up - I don't require the word verification and it will pop up a new window. I know I am having some problems commenting on some people's blogs right now (if I am on my computer), and I have been notified that others are having problems commenting on mine also. I hope this fixes it for the time-being.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
100 Days!
25 weeks and 5 days = 100 days to go! I technically could have done this post about 3 weeks ago, because since we are planning on delivering Miss Cameron at 37 weeks on September 15th, so I really only have 79 days left, but I thought I would stick with the official one. :)
So, how did I celebrate making it to this point where the countdown is on the last day of being a 3-digit number and tonight will roll over to being just a 2 digit number? I went and had my glucose test done! What a way to celebrate huh?
I knew I needed to get it done, as I've had the lab order since last week. I figured I might as well bite the bullet and do it, so in hopes of being able to have my results by the time I go to my weekly appointment tomorrow, I got up and did it this morning.
I got to Norman Regional Healthplex this morning at 6:27 and was given a buzzer at registration so they could call me back, because they didn't open for another 3 minutes. They called me back, verified my information, put a bracelet on me and I waited. I got called back again shortly after and was taken back to a room and given the fizz-less orange drink. She told me I had 5 minutes to drink it...I was thirsty and I didn't have time to mess around, so it was gone in less than a minute...and it really wasn't that bad. I told Adam it tasted like a stronger version of the Hi-C Orange at McDonalds that had been mixed right. He understood that analogy...lol
About 30 minutes after drinking that stuff, Cameron went NUTS! She was all over the place! I laughed to myself and savored every minute of it. I was trying to read a book on my Nook, but she kept my attention for the most part.
An hour later, they took me back and nurse #1 tried to get the blood she needed...Epic Fail. My arm still hurts from that one. Nuse #2 tried to get the blood she needed from the other arm...after a little bit of digging, she got what she needed...that arm still hurts too. I am a little bruised from them, but the test is done...Now I just pray that I don't have to go do the 3 hour one! :)
So, with 100 days left and 140 under my belt, I have made it over the "hump", I get to write this post about being at 100 days left to go, and I got to take my glucose test. All things I didn't get to do with Bailey.
And the even better part...M still feels good about it. (To understand what this means, see this post.) She told me she just has that feeling that Cameron is strong and everything is still going to be fine.
So, how did I celebrate making it to this point where the countdown is on the last day of being a 3-digit number and tonight will roll over to being just a 2 digit number? I went and had my glucose test done! What a way to celebrate huh?
I knew I needed to get it done, as I've had the lab order since last week. I figured I might as well bite the bullet and do it, so in hopes of being able to have my results by the time I go to my weekly appointment tomorrow, I got up and did it this morning.
I got to Norman Regional Healthplex this morning at 6:27 and was given a buzzer at registration so they could call me back, because they didn't open for another 3 minutes. They called me back, verified my information, put a bracelet on me and I waited. I got called back again shortly after and was taken back to a room and given the fizz-less orange drink. She told me I had 5 minutes to drink it...I was thirsty and I didn't have time to mess around, so it was gone in less than a minute...and it really wasn't that bad. I told Adam it tasted like a stronger version of the Hi-C Orange at McDonalds that had been mixed right. He understood that analogy...lol
About 30 minutes after drinking that stuff, Cameron went NUTS! She was all over the place! I laughed to myself and savored every minute of it. I was trying to read a book on my Nook, but she kept my attention for the most part.
An hour later, they took me back and nurse #1 tried to get the blood she needed...Epic Fail. My arm still hurts from that one. Nuse #2 tried to get the blood she needed from the other arm...after a little bit of digging, she got what she needed...that arm still hurts too. I am a little bruised from them, but the test is done...Now I just pray that I don't have to go do the 3 hour one! :)
So, with 100 days left and 140 under my belt, I have made it over the "hump", I get to write this post about being at 100 days left to go, and I got to take my glucose test. All things I didn't get to do with Bailey.
And the even better part...M still feels good about it. (To understand what this means, see this post.) She told me she just has that feeling that Cameron is strong and everything is still going to be fine.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
25 Weeks!
Not much going on this week. We are officially 2 weeks past when Bailey was born, and still ticking along, and hopefully we continue to do so! My app says that if Cameron was born today, she would have a 70% chance of survival...but, she needs to just hang out for another 12 weeks.
Saw Dr. M (MFM) on Monday morning, and he is pleased with how everything looks. Cervix is still nice and long, Cameron was making sucking motions, and she was completely uncooperative. LOL!
Fetal Fibronectin came back negative this week, so hopefully 2 more weeks of not going into labor. Halfway through my P17 shots...we are getting there!
Saw Dr. L (Regular Doc) on Wednesday, like normal, and heartrate was 145-150...measurement is right on track...she's pleased! She gave me my lab slip to schedule my glucose test, so I will call and schedule that next week.
Regular appointment again next week and it's not back to the MFM until July 11th because he's on vacation the week of July 4th.
And here are some belly shots for your viewing pleasure...The general consensus at work today is I have really popped!
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Saw Dr. M (MFM) on Monday morning, and he is pleased with how everything looks. Cervix is still nice and long, Cameron was making sucking motions, and she was completely uncooperative. LOL!
Fetal Fibronectin came back negative this week, so hopefully 2 more weeks of not going into labor. Halfway through my P17 shots...we are getting there!
Saw Dr. L (Regular Doc) on Wednesday, like normal, and heartrate was 145-150...measurement is right on track...she's pleased! She gave me my lab slip to schedule my glucose test, so I will call and schedule that next week.
Regular appointment again next week and it's not back to the MFM until July 11th because he's on vacation the week of July 4th.
And here are some belly shots for your viewing pleasure...The general consensus at work today is I have really popped!
Me and Cameron at 25 weeks 0 days
My view at 25 weeks...my feet have disappeared!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
24 Weeks - Viability!
It's amazing what one week will do for a person. Heck, it's amazing what one DAY will do for a person.
Last Wednesday, the anxiety was extremely high, and I was so afraid that history was going to repeat itself. But, as I woke up on Thursday morning, and realized we were further into 23 weeks than we were last time, I felt a little bit better. As I woke up on Friday and realized we were a WHOLE day further than we were last time, I felt even more relieved.
And now, one week later, I am 24 weeks, and have reached what Doctors deem "viability". If something was to happen and Cameron was born today, her chances of survival are 50 to 60 percent. That is a HUGE leap over the 5 to 10 percent that we had at 23 weeks.
As a BLM though, I know it's not over til she is here, and safe and sound in my arms. And these 40 weeks are just the start of the worrying...but for some reason, it seems like the worry is significantly less, at least for a little while, after I know she is here safe and sound.
So, what happens now that I am 24 weeks? My Dr. is going to continue to see me weekly, more just for our peace of mind now. She is wonderful and is willing to do whatever we want to do to make us feel better. We will start the Fetal Fibronectin (fFn) test next week...we would have started it this week, but they prefer that you are at least 24 weeks, and plus, we had a little scare on Friday evening that sent us to L&D (It was just Round Ligament Pains), and they did one then....it came out negative, by the way. So, by doing the fFn test every 2 weeks, and hoping it comes out negative, because if it does, the chances of us going into labor within the next 2 weeks is less than 5%, that is just one more thing we can do to monitor me and make sure we make it to full-term, or at least somewhere close to it.
We will continue to see our MFM on the weeks in between the fFn test for cervical measurements to make sure there is no shortening. So, we are being monitored very closely, and we are so grateful. And finally, I continue to get the P17 injection weekly. I have picked up my 3rd vial of the shot, and am 11 shots away from being done with those shots. I don't know if we will plan on stopping early, since I plan on delivering at 37 weeks. I guess we will see.
So.....Cameron and I are both doing well. At our appointment this past Monday (23w4d), Cameron was measuring almost a week ahead and was weighing in at 1 pound 8 ounces!
We feel fortunate that everything is going so well this time, and we pray it continues to do so.
Last Wednesday, the anxiety was extremely high, and I was so afraid that history was going to repeat itself. But, as I woke up on Thursday morning, and realized we were further into 23 weeks than we were last time, I felt a little bit better. As I woke up on Friday and realized we were a WHOLE day further than we were last time, I felt even more relieved.
And now, one week later, I am 24 weeks, and have reached what Doctors deem "viability". If something was to happen and Cameron was born today, her chances of survival are 50 to 60 percent. That is a HUGE leap over the 5 to 10 percent that we had at 23 weeks.
As a BLM though, I know it's not over til she is here, and safe and sound in my arms. And these 40 weeks are just the start of the worrying...but for some reason, it seems like the worry is significantly less, at least for a little while, after I know she is here safe and sound.
So, what happens now that I am 24 weeks? My Dr. is going to continue to see me weekly, more just for our peace of mind now. She is wonderful and is willing to do whatever we want to do to make us feel better. We will start the Fetal Fibronectin (fFn) test next week...we would have started it this week, but they prefer that you are at least 24 weeks, and plus, we had a little scare on Friday evening that sent us to L&D (It was just Round Ligament Pains), and they did one then....it came out negative, by the way. So, by doing the fFn test every 2 weeks, and hoping it comes out negative, because if it does, the chances of us going into labor within the next 2 weeks is less than 5%, that is just one more thing we can do to monitor me and make sure we make it to full-term, or at least somewhere close to it.
We will continue to see our MFM on the weeks in between the fFn test for cervical measurements to make sure there is no shortening. So, we are being monitored very closely, and we are so grateful. And finally, I continue to get the P17 injection weekly. I have picked up my 3rd vial of the shot, and am 11 shots away from being done with those shots. I don't know if we will plan on stopping early, since I plan on delivering at 37 weeks. I guess we will see.
So.....Cameron and I are both doing well. At our appointment this past Monday (23w4d), Cameron was measuring almost a week ahead and was weighing in at 1 pound 8 ounces!
We feel fortunate that everything is going so well this time, and we pray it continues to do so.
Friday, June 3, 2011
THE week
This is it...this is THE week. THE week that last time, with Bailey, was her last week with us. It was the last days of feeling her kick. It was the last week I was blissfully ignorant and expected my pregnancy to last for another 18 weeks with no problem. It was THE last week in the span of what should have been 40 weeks that my life was just "normal".
What week is that? It's the week between 22 and 23 weeks. Today, I am 22w1d, and sitting here as I write this post, feeling Cameron kick her little legs and feet. I feel the occasional bump, bump, bump. And it's the week that I feel like I am holding my freaking breath, just praying with every fiber of my being that history doesn't repeat itself. To make it to next Thursday, even at 6 a.m. will be monumental, but only the first stepping stone.
I went into labor with Bailey at 23 weeks...right on the money pretty much. I woke up as the day ticked over to 23 weeks...cramping and bleeding. We left the house at 1:00 a.m. and went to the hospital. I was fully dilated when I was checked and 3 hours and 33 minutes into week 23, Bailey was born. And 4 hours and 27 minutes into week 23, she was gone.
So, we just need to make it through this week...Next Thursday, here we come! Please be kind on us this time around...
What week is that? It's the week between 22 and 23 weeks. Today, I am 22w1d, and sitting here as I write this post, feeling Cameron kick her little legs and feet. I feel the occasional bump, bump, bump. And it's the week that I feel like I am holding my freaking breath, just praying with every fiber of my being that history doesn't repeat itself. To make it to next Thursday, even at 6 a.m. will be monumental, but only the first stepping stone.
I went into labor with Bailey at 23 weeks...right on the money pretty much. I woke up as the day ticked over to 23 weeks...cramping and bleeding. We left the house at 1:00 a.m. and went to the hospital. I was fully dilated when I was checked and 3 hours and 33 minutes into week 23, Bailey was born. And 4 hours and 27 minutes into week 23, she was gone.
So, we just need to make it through this week...Next Thursday, here we come! Please be kind on us this time around...
Monday, May 23, 2011
20w4d
We had our appointment with our MFM today at 20w4d. Miss Cameron is measuring right on track and weighs in at a whopping 15 ounces! We are so close to a pound! I asked the ultrasound tech to "confirm" again that Cameron is a girl (for my own peace of mind), because I was having those crazy dreams about delivering and her being a boy. I would love her/him either way, but I am not one who likes surprises! The ultrasound tech immediately confirmed Cameron is a girl!
As we were getting pictures of our little girl, Adam started cracking up laughing when the tech took a picture in 2D of her nose/lips. When I asked what he was laughing so hard about, he said he was laughing because the picture made her look like Rygel from Farscape. So, here is the picture that is Adam's favorite of the day, along with a picture of Rygel...you can look and see for yourself...
We also got a 4D picture of her profile. She always has a hand or arm in the picture...that I have accepted! When looking at pictures of her in 4D and looking at pictures of Bailey, I can already see resemblances between my 2 little girls.
Since my last post, we have talked with my regular Dr. and she has told us that we will probably go ahead and deliver Cameron at 37 or 38 weeks (if I get all the way to there), just because she understands the anxiety I have as a BLM. She said we will discuss the pros and cons when we get closer and will make a decision of what will be best for me and Cameron at that time. So, if we do deliver at 37 or 38 weeks, she should be here between September 15-22! Four more months and we should get to meet this little girl!
But, for now, she needs to stay put, continue to grow, and my body needs to hang in there. All is well and that's how we like it!
As we were getting pictures of our little girl, Adam started cracking up laughing when the tech took a picture in 2D of her nose/lips. When I asked what he was laughing so hard about, he said he was laughing because the picture made her look like Rygel from Farscape. So, here is the picture that is Adam's favorite of the day, along with a picture of Rygel...you can look and see for yourself...
For the record...I cannot believe I just posted the pictures in comparison...but it was so funny to sit in the Dr.'s office and listen to Adam laughing so hard at this picture and to come up with this comparison. Now, he questions if he is the father, or if the father is some creepy little critter from a Sci-Fi show!
We also got a 4D picture of her profile. She always has a hand or arm in the picture...that I have accepted! When looking at pictures of her in 4D and looking at pictures of Bailey, I can already see resemblances between my 2 little girls.
Since my last post, we have talked with my regular Dr. and she has told us that we will probably go ahead and deliver Cameron at 37 or 38 weeks (if I get all the way to there), just because she understands the anxiety I have as a BLM. She said we will discuss the pros and cons when we get closer and will make a decision of what will be best for me and Cameron at that time. So, if we do deliver at 37 or 38 weeks, she should be here between September 15-22! Four more months and we should get to meet this little girl!
But, for now, she needs to stay put, continue to grow, and my body needs to hang in there. All is well and that's how we like it!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Today is such a bittersweet day. A day of what should have been's and a day of what is. And even though I miss Bailey with all of my heart, today, I am at peace with what is.
Our journey through infertility and loss has been so complex and kind of strange when it comes to Mother's Day. Mother's Day 2008 - I didn't feel the overwhelming loss and I didn't mourn the holiday. Same was the same in 2009. Even after 2 losses, I didn't feel like that.
Mother's Day 2010 - 1 week post losing Bailey. Mother's Day was terrible last year. My heart and arms ached so bad. I couldn't make it through the day without bawling. That was the "first" of the "firsts" in regards to holidays.
And now, Mother's Day 2011 - A bittersweet day, because I still mourn the precious little girl who we lost a year ago, but am feeling so blessed to have our second little girl growing happy and safe inside of me. What is, is that I will always be the mother of one little girl who didn't get to stay with us, and a mother to our future children.
I hope for all of the mothers out there, especially those who have lost a child, that today is peaceful on them.
Our journey through infertility and loss has been so complex and kind of strange when it comes to Mother's Day. Mother's Day 2008 - I didn't feel the overwhelming loss and I didn't mourn the holiday. Same was the same in 2009. Even after 2 losses, I didn't feel like that.
Mother's Day 2010 - 1 week post losing Bailey. Mother's Day was terrible last year. My heart and arms ached so bad. I couldn't make it through the day without bawling. That was the "first" of the "firsts" in regards to holidays.
And now, Mother's Day 2011 - A bittersweet day, because I still mourn the precious little girl who we lost a year ago, but am feeling so blessed to have our second little girl growing happy and safe inside of me. What is, is that I will always be the mother of one little girl who didn't get to stay with us, and a mother to our future children.
I hope for all of the mothers out there, especially those who have lost a child, that today is peaceful on them.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Happy 1st Birthday, Bailey!
Dear sweet girl,
Today is your first birthday. Mommy and daddy miss you so much. I can't believe it's been an entire year already. A WHOLE year. I still remember this day, last year, like it was just yesterday. I couldn't believe that at 23 weeks, we already had to meet you. I remember the freshness of the pain when your daddy had to come in and tell me the worst news I had ever heard...that we had to let you go and that you were gone. I remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms the very first time. I remember the kindness and love everyone showed us while we sat in a room on the NICU floor, with you gone. I remember the tears in the eyes and sorrow in the voices. It's so clear.
Today is the last "first". We have made it through the year of "firsts" without you. First Mother's Day, Father's Day, our birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and now your first birthday. I wish I had a big party to plan, and was getting you a huge cake for you to absolutely destroy. But, instead, we are going to go put new flowers out on your grave, and we will have a cake, just for you.
You are loved and missed sweet girl. I hope that you are having the biggest party in Heaven today. I hope all of your friends are there with you and I hope you all are having cake and ice cream and making messes!
We went yesterday to pick out your memorial stone for your grave, but I know you know that. That's the last thing we needed to do for you, and we wanted to do it around your first birthday. So, we went and found a stone for you, but they are going to have to custom make the size we want, and we hope they can do it.
We miss you and we love you. Be with us today as it's going to be a hard day without you. Send mommy, daddy, and your little sister some special kisses.
Love,
Mommy
Today is your first birthday. Mommy and daddy miss you so much. I can't believe it's been an entire year already. A WHOLE year. I still remember this day, last year, like it was just yesterday. I couldn't believe that at 23 weeks, we already had to meet you. I remember the freshness of the pain when your daddy had to come in and tell me the worst news I had ever heard...that we had to let you go and that you were gone. I remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms the very first time. I remember the kindness and love everyone showed us while we sat in a room on the NICU floor, with you gone. I remember the tears in the eyes and sorrow in the voices. It's so clear.
Today is the last "first". We have made it through the year of "firsts" without you. First Mother's Day, Father's Day, our birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and now your first birthday. I wish I had a big party to plan, and was getting you a huge cake for you to absolutely destroy. But, instead, we are going to go put new flowers out on your grave, and we will have a cake, just for you.
You are loved and missed sweet girl. I hope that you are having the biggest party in Heaven today. I hope all of your friends are there with you and I hope you all are having cake and ice cream and making messes!
We went yesterday to pick out your memorial stone for your grave, but I know you know that. That's the last thing we needed to do for you, and we wanted to do it around your first birthday. So, we went and found a stone for you, but they are going to have to custom make the size we want, and we hope they can do it.
We miss you and we love you. Be with us today as it's going to be a hard day without you. Send mommy, daddy, and your little sister some special kisses.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's a..........
Yesterday, we went for my follow-up appointment at MFM. I was expecting to get my cervix checked and make sure all was going well after getting the cerclage placed. Someone came and got us and took us back to an ultrasound room. She told me she was going to ultrasound my cervix and then she would do a regular ultrasound so we could see how baby was doing.
She checked my cervix and she said it looked great. She came back in and started ultrasounding CB. She asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We told her we did and asked her if it was too early. She said it might be, but she would try and see what she could see...and what did she see?
She didn't see any boy parts and she saw 3 lines...so, CB is a girl! After we finished with her, we had to wait for about an hour for my Dr. because he had to perform an emergency c-section. Once he came in and started looking, he also asked if we knew what we were having. We told him the u/s tech "thinks" it's a girl. He said "well, that just won't do! Let's look again and see if we can confirm that!". So, Dr. Mirabile looked again, and he said "Yup, it's a girl! That definitely looks like a vajayjay!". It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, because I really didn't expecting him to say that!
So, we are going with the girl ruling unless we find out otherwise in a few weeks! We are very excited, and Adam was grinning from ear to ear.
So, CB is no longer "it" or "he or she". CB is "she" and she has a name! CB is officially Cameron Bailey! We decided to keep Bailey as part of the name if we had a girl, because we want her to know about her big sister.
We are excited, but still nervous at the same time. Like I said...one day at a time...with both of our little girls.
She checked my cervix and she said it looked great. She came back in and started ultrasounding CB. She asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We told her we did and asked her if it was too early. She said it might be, but she would try and see what she could see...and what did she see?
She didn't see any boy parts and she saw 3 lines...so, CB is a girl! After we finished with her, we had to wait for about an hour for my Dr. because he had to perform an emergency c-section. Once he came in and started looking, he also asked if we knew what we were having. We told him the u/s tech "thinks" it's a girl. He said "well, that just won't do! Let's look again and see if we can confirm that!". So, Dr. Mirabile looked again, and he said "Yup, it's a girl! That definitely looks like a vajayjay!". It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, because I really didn't expecting him to say that!
So, we are going with the girl ruling unless we find out otherwise in a few weeks! We are very excited, and Adam was grinning from ear to ear.
So, CB is no longer "it" or "he or she". CB is "she" and she has a name! CB is officially Cameron Bailey! We decided to keep Bailey as part of the name if we had a girl, because we want her to know about her big sister.
We are excited, but still nervous at the same time. Like I said...one day at a time...with both of our little girls.
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