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Sunday, October 10, 2010


I was in the shower, having a pity party for myself the other morning, and having a "Why Me?" day.  I was thinking of accomplishments and things I have done in my short 27 years.

I was a straight A student all the way through high school.  I graduated as one of four valedictorians (probably spelled wrong) in my graduating class.

I have been part of the employed people since turning 16.  I worked full time during high school and college.  I even worked 2 jobs after getting married, just for extra income to put back for savings.

I was the first grandchild on my dad's side to go to college, and graduate. 

I am married to a fantastic and wonderful man, who I love with all my heart and soul.

I have a good job that I enjoy on most days.

I have friends who care about me and are there for me.

But, why can't I be a mom?  Why can't I have a baby who gets to live and gets to stay with me?  Why?  Why has this journey been soooooo incredibly long and soooooo incredibly painful?  Why does something that should be so easy, have to be so hard?  And why does it happen to good people?  I'm not perfect, and I know that, and I know no one is, but all of you I have met on this journey are so special in your own way, and each of your stories have touched my heart, and I always wonder, why us?

Just was having one of those days.  Thank goodness today wasn't it, but I wasn't in a place I could write this when I was feeling it.

Pity party, party of one, has taken place and is over.  Sorry to be Debbie Downer tonight.


Jessica said...

I hate those days but I totally understand them. Sometimes those days start for me before I even get out of bed and last until I go to sleep...even continue in my dreams. It sucks and I agree everyone I have met through these blogs is special in so many ways. No one deserves this. And no one knows why. (((hugs))) <3

Violet1122 said...

No apology necessary! I, too, agonize over the question why me? It's just all so unfair.

I will never, ever understand babyloss.

I'm sorry today was a downer of a day. Hoping tomorrow is a bit brighter...

((Big Hugs))

KAM said...

I had one of those days yesterday too. Let's hope today is a much better day!

Heather said...

I totally get this and remember thinking these same things. I too was always a top student, I graduated from a very good college, have been successful in getting a good job (at least for my level on the career ladder) where so many friends have been unable to find post-grad work. But then I would trade all of that to have my daughter with me. I think it's just hardest to accept those things beyond our control, at least I know it is for me. So many things in our life are in our control (such as making good grades). But there is absolutely nothing we can do to bring our children back. And it can make us feel so helpless...

Thinking of you.

BuzimommiE said...

I hate days like that and I know I ask why me so much. Another mom (I don't remember who) asked one day in a post "Why not me?" I don't think I am there yet. You have done so many things and I am sure the day when you are a mommy to a child here on Earth is approaching. And you will accomplish being an amazing mommy to an Earthly child! You are one to Bailey now!

Rhiannon said...

I had a day like that today...see today's post. I think we are all entitled to be a Debbie Downer sometimes, it is part of the process. We were all cheated and want nothing more than to have our babies here with us. Thinking of you!

Allison said...

I am so sorry you were having such a rough day. I, too, think we are entitled to shake our fists and yell "why me" once in a while. It seems like a fair question for a completely unfair situation. I hope the week has started to look up for you! Sending big hugs your way!

Priscilla said...

I find myself thinking that all too often -- especially when surrounded by those in the situation you wish so badly you were in! I hope the days since then have been a little better. Hugs!

(also, sending a blog award your way!)