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Sunday, February 12, 2012

I Have To Re-live It

This is going to be a novel...but I have had a HORRIBLE weekend and I have to get this off my chest...

There are two days I don't want to I would if it meant a different result and the other one wouldn't even have to be if the first day had said different result.  I know you know what two days I am talking about.

Day One - April 30, 2010...23 weeks pregnant and I go into labor...and it's too late to stop it when we get to the hospital.  A beautiful little girl is born with only a 5% chance of survival.  You know how that day ends.  It ends with death, broken hearts, sadness, and emptiness.

Day Two - May 4, 2010...the day of Bailey's funeral.  The day we have to bury our daughter.  The day we have to permanently say goodbye.  I remember it like yesterday.  I remember crumbling into Adam's arms as I got out of my parent's car and saw the tiniest white casket with flowers on it.  My baby, my daughter, my first Bailey is in there.

And I have to relive burying my sweet girl...I have to relive a part of that day.

Some of you, depending how long you have followed my blog, know that Bailey is buried at the foot of my grandma's grave.  This grandma is my mom's mom.  When Bailey died, we had to make decisions no parent should ever have to make.  We decided no cremation, so we knew we would have to bury her.  But, where?  We had no plots...this wasn't something we planned.  So, my dad made phone calls and asked my mom's siblings if it would be okay if we buried Bailey at the foot of my grandma's grave.  Everyone agreed.  This normally isn't allowed by city ordinance, but since my dad has been Fire Chief and a well-known member of the community, they made an exception for us...especially since she was so small.

When we got ready to order Bailey's headstone, the monument place would not let us order the headstone knowing she was buried at the foot of my grandmother's grave until they heard from the city about two things:  First, would we be allowed to place a headstone there?  Second, if the answer was yes, would it have to be a small marker or could it be a regular stone?  The city called back and the answers that came back were:  Yes and they can put whatever they want there.  So, we ordered Bailey's headstone.  It was set at the end of July 2011.

Fast forward to this past Friday.  My aunt gets a letter from the city saying we are in violation because of the headstone...and all hell breaks loose.

My uncle decides to go look on Facebook for any pictures of Bailey's headstone, and he finds one from Christmas 2011.  He proceeds to post this comment:  "what is this? the burial was only to be temparary, what about my mom and dad's space and respect, on top of that it is in violations of all the codes, please call me."

First I was stunned.  Then I was hurt.  Then I was infuriated.  Cue waterworks and a hysterical phone call to my parents.  Temporary?  Respect?  Violation?  WTF?  And to top it off, let's put it out on Facebook where all my friends can see...and especially without me knowing anything thing about it!

Come to find out, my family thought us burying Bailey there was temporary.  They say they didn't know about the headstone and were stunned to find out we put one out there.  (It's been set since July...It's February now...if you haven't known about it for the last 7 months, that tells me NO ONE has been down there except for us).  After talking to an aunt, she tells me they don't mind if she's there, even though they thought it was temporary, but it's the stone they really have a problem with.  I guess she is supposed to be there without anyone knowing about it.  Taboo subject, much?

We NEVER would have buried Bailey there or put a headstone there if we thought it was disrespecting my grandparents.  NEVER!  I was always close to both grandparents and we truly thought they would want her to be there with them.  We never buried her there with the intentions of it being temporary.  The only instance in which we ever talked about moving her was if something ever happened to me or Adam early in life.  If something happened, we talked about the possibility of moving her to be next to the other.  But, we never thought we would have to move her because my family is causing a stink about it.  We understand we put everyone in a VERY tough spot when we asked if we could bury her there.  But, even with the situation as it was, if they didn't want it to happen, someone should have said so...the whole situation already sucked...I don't think it could have gotten much worse.

I talked to the uncle who posted the comment on Friday evening and told him that it was crappy that he put it on Facebook. He should have called me. He proceeded to tell me that the comment was private. When I told him all of my friends could see it, he responded with "Only if they click on the picture". Well, yes, that is true, but it still can be viewed! And that just isn't how it should have been handled! I told him we are having her moved, and I'm done.  His response..."Ok, thanks for calling".  So, I am done.  Done meaning, I am cutting ties.  Don't call me, don't visit me, don't think about me.  I'm DONE.So, now...21 1/2 months later, we are making plans to have Bailey moved.  We have options because Adam's grandpa had bought an extra plot for his second wife, but she was buried elsewhere and that plot was left "for any Southerland to use".  My mamaw (my dad's mom and only surviving grandparent) has offered us one of the extra plots she has.  She bought extras and is in the process of having my papaw moved from Missouri.  My best friend's mom (she's Ma to me, and has been since I was 10) even offered us her spot because she doesn't plan on being buried.  So, we have options, which I am grateful for.  My mom's side has even said my grandparents had bought extra plots and they would like to offer one of those to us.  We are not taking that option because we don't want anything from them.  We don't want anything to be held over our heads.  And whose to say in another 2 years that someone won't come back and say "Well, that was just supposed to be temporary too".

Having a child die is hands down THE worst thing I think a person could go through.  It isn't the natural order of things.  To make the decision to bury or cremate your child is tough.  But, to bury your baby and then later have to have her dug up and moved because of your "family"...I just have no words for that.

Things will never be the same with any of them.  Even if we can get "over" this, the next time I see anybody, I am always going to wonder what the thoughts are.  There will always be the hurt feelings.  There will always be the huge pink elephant in the room and it will be this subject.

If you made it through this, you are wonderful.  But, my question to you as a reader, and please answer honestly: 

What would you have done?  How would you have reacted?  Do you think I overreacted or am acting childish?


Tosha Lackey said...

Oh, honey! I do not think you over-reacted. I think you have every right to be upset and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I'm thinking about you and I hope you and Adam can make this decision as painlessly as possible (although I know it will be nowhere near painless). *hugs*

Amie said...

I would be FURIOUS if one, they actually thought it was "a temporary burial" (because has there ever been a temporary burial? Ever?) and two, if the city gave permission then said no, and three, that my family would say something about it on Facebook. That is all so uncalled for! I'm sorry :(

Amie said...

I would be FURIOUS if one, they actually thought it was "a temporary burial" (because has there ever been a temporary burial? Ever?) and two, if the city gave permission then said no, and three, that my family would say something about it on Facebook. That is all so uncalled for! I'm sorry :(

Melissa said...

I would have had the same reaction
:(. I don't think that you over reacted at all! That was horrible of them, especially your uncle. He should have called you, but to air it out on Facebook and have the nerve to tell you to call him? Ridiculous! Why didn't they offer one of those other plots that they are now offering to begin with? I don't understand how the city could say that it is okay one minute and not the next either. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Just know that I'm thinking of you and sending lots of hugs!

LookItsJessica said...

Oh my goodness. No, you did NOT overreact. That is so hurtful and insensitive of your uncle especially. Facebook? Really?? I am horrified FOR you. I am so sorry you got that kind of treatment from your own family. I am also so sorry you have to move Bailey's plot and all the pain that must entail. Hugs to you.

Julie said...

WHY in the world would they POSSIBLY think it was only temporary? Who would do that? I am stunned, and so, so sorry you're having to go through this. Every single part of this is unfair and ridiculous.

Kaysha Yates said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this Danae. You and Adam should not have to be making these types of decisions nor should you have to relive this now. Your reaction is common and warranted. I wish you peace as you make this choice and comfort for future activities that will involve this side of your family. I pray that they will see how much this hurt and understand that things will be different now. Please let me know if you need anything at all. K

Shannon said...

Oh I'm so sorry that you have to go through this it's not fair. I'll be praying for you and Adam both.

Allison said...

I don't think you are overreacting or are acting childish at all. You sound hurt and angry. The whole situation is dumbfounding! Why would a burial site ever be temporary? That makes no sense at all. That is supposed to be Bailey's resting place, a place that is protected and honored. Especially by family!!! I would be so upset too, Danae. You are being a protective and loving mother to Bailey. No parent should have to experience what you and Adam have. I will be sending you both strength and support over the next few weeks as you find Bailey her new burial site. I am just so so sorry. xoxo

Priscilla said...

First of all, you are not overreacting or acting childish AT ALL! In fact, I'm impressed by how you handled it. I'm sure I would've gone crazy on your uncle. I just can't even believe it. Any of it. It's like a bad joke. A horribly bad joke. Why would anyone on this earth think that burying a child in a specific location would be temporary?! Or burying anyone for that matter, but especially a child. Really? I'm pretty sure when you go through a funeral and burial, it's pretty set in stone as to where they will be laid to rest. It just amazes me. I'm so very sorry you and Adam have to deal with this. My heart breaks for you. Lots of love and praying for incredible peace in the days to come as you find a new resting place for your sweet baby girl.

Hillary said...

Hi! I'm a new reader/follower. I am also a BLM to a little girl and I would be horrified if what you are going though would have happened to me!! You are doing right by cutting off all ties. If they can't stick by you at the worst moment of your life then they will never be able to.

Prayers for you during this time!


Lacey Knapp said...

My heart breaks 4 u! You have every right to be hurt and angry. My thoughts an prayers are with y'all! I'm so sorry that u have to go thru all that pain all over again. Ur uncle will reap what he sews!

Lia Larson said...

That is terrible! I'm so sorry you have to deal with these insensitive "Family" members. How awful. You were probably nicer than I would have been. I can't believe they had the nerve to even suggest such a thing. I would cut ties too if they are unwilling to get over their own issues and see the pain this has caused you! (And let you keep her where she is!)

Sending T&P your way.

Anonymous said...

Hey cousin, you know my feelings on this matter. Idaho says they are in your corner too. We love you. You know who your family is sweety. Be strong.

Violet1122 said...

This is completely outrageous. I am so angry and upset for you. I would cut ties, too. No hesitation about it. OMG - I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!

I used to work in a cemetery (weird, huh?) and I arranged the paperwork necessary to have remains disinterred and reinterred many times. I know a bit about the logistics involved.

If it would make you feel better, you can arrange to have another service at her new graveside as she is re-buried. That's pretty commonplace, and you should be able to arrange it with the cemetery. I'm not sure if this will help you feel better about the situation at all - but I wanted to throw it out there in case it does.

Danae, I am so so sorry. This should NEVER have happened. I can't imagine the gall of a family member insisting on not letting her resting place be marked.


Anonymous said...

My dear sweet Danae, I feel so heartbroken for you and Adam. As for the choice put before you, as hard as it is to make, you will do it with grace and strength only parents can achieve. If I may spend my two cents here, as for the "other side" of the family, I cannot speak for them all, but I personally would be HONORED if you allowed my Daddy to help watch over Miss Bailey. I know how much he loved his "kiddos" in life, and cannot imagine it would be any less after he has passed.
And, since I cannot speak for them all, I will say this OUT LOUD and in public, anytime I am asked...
If you and Adam choose to allow your Papaw the honor of Bailey's presence, I will personally STOMP any one of my siblings that say otherwise. You have my word. Your Mamaw made the offer, and she didn't do it out of pity. She is a strong woman, with a large heart and sound mind. It was done with LOVE, and if accepted, I will never let anyone try to reverse it. Honest Injun, swear on my last breath.
Love you all, Aunt Leana

Rhiannon said...

Oh Danae, I am so sorry. This is completely outrageous! No, you are not acting childish, your "family" is. This is just too much and nothing any grieving parent should have to deal with. Lots of love and prayers to you during this hard time. I am just so very sorry that you are going through this, it is heartbreaking.