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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Find a new "normal"

Any parent who has ever lost a child, will understand that life is NEVER the same after. It's not better, it not necessarily worse, but it is forever changed and different.

It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since our precious Bailey was born and also left this earth for her angel wings. There are good days, and there are bad days. There are days I can smile, I can be happy, and I am okay. And there are days that my heart hurts, it aches, and the pain seems almost unbearable. A piece of me is missing, and it just hurts.

I'm going back to work on Monday, and have to figure out what the new "normal" is going to be. I'm terrified to go back, because I don't know how people will treat me. I don't know if people will be openly comfortable talking about Bailey, the precious baby girl that was taken so quickly from this life...from my life. I don't know if people are going to avoid me, or if they are going treat me differently. I don't want people to pretend it never happened, but I don't want them to treat me like I am fragile and am going to break.

I have so many mixed makes it so difficult to know how to feel. I have been angry, I have been sad, I have been frustrated, and I have been hurt.

I know that someday, there will be a new "normal".

We begin Dr.'s appointments to start trying again to have another baby. We want Bailey to have a brother or a sister. We want to be able to share the love we have, the hopes, and the dreams we have for a child. We want the brother or sister to know that Bailey was here, and was our first born and to know about her and her special time on Earth and the special place she holds in our hearts.