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Friday, July 9, 2010

Red Light...Green Light...Red Light!

You remember playing the game Red Light, Green Light as a kid?  The one where someone is the "light" and when they turn around and their back is facing you that is the "green light" and when they are facing you, that is the "red light"?  You try to get closer and closer to the light, to touch it, but if you are caught moving on a red light, you are out.  I remember that game...I hated it so much, because I was always so impatient, and would always end up moving during the red light.

And for some reason, when I was sitting at a stop light today, I was reminded of that game from my childhood.  And I thought about how the concept of that game applied to my life now.

In this journey to parenthood, I have feel like I am the kid who is playing the game, and keeps getting eliminated because I keep moving during the red light...only it's not a game.

Red Light!  No regular can you get pregnant if you don't cycle regularly?
Green Light!  Femara does the trick, and we are pregnant 6 months after our 1st appointment.
Red Light!  Miscarriage number one and discovery of a fairly large septum on my uterus.
Green Light!  Pregnant after scheduling surgery!  It's meant to be!
Red Light!  Miscarriage number two and surgery to remove septum
Green Light!  FINALLY pregnant again a year and 3 months after my surgery.
Red Light!  Bailey is born at 23 weeks and dies almost an hour after birth.

It feels like it's the same way with my emotions...

Having a good day?  Here's a green light!
Having a bad day?  Here's a red light...and it's a long the patience for it?

Every time it seems like the goal in within my reach, I'm eliminated (or at least side-lined).  The "light" switches on me.  And then I have to sit there for a while...and I don't have the patience for it. 

Stupid red light.


Violet1122 said...

This is such a good analogy. It makes you less trustful of the good times. You spend the happy moments wondering when the red light is going to come up.

I hate that so much. I know you do too.

It's my constant prayer these days - that all of us get our dream of a healthy baby in our arms. I'm hoping the green light will flip on for you soon. And stay on for a long, long, LONG time! So long that you realize the red light is forever broken and will not flip on again.

Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

That is such a vivid analogy. I am so sorry that you have had so many red lights along your journey. I hope that you hit a long green light soon!
PS. Sorry for the double post. It is early :-(

BuzimommiE said...

I love this analogy. I hate that you've had such a hard journey. I hope your long green light comes soon.

Julie said...

oh, this is so perfect. it's maddening!! i know in my next pregnancy (and who knows how long that will take?!), i will spend the whole nine months (god willing) waiting for that red light!

hope you get lots of green lights soon!

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