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Thursday, July 15, 2010


I thought I did pretty well on Tuesday...I thought I was pretty strong...that was until every emotion came crashing down on me that night, and I didn't sleep very well. 

Then I had to go and do an audit yesterday for a large outage, that I knew I really couldn't put it off, but I was hoping I could wait until today to do.  I try to keep some sort of routine, and this just wasn't part of the routine.  I knew it was going to make for a very long day.  I asked my boss about going or if I could wait and she said I had to go then, which is fine.  But, I guess I pushed it too far when I made a kinda whiny comment about not getting to go weigh in at my normal time (I am on Weight Watchers), and that I wouldn't get to eat until tonight (because of the largeness of the branch, and once I start, I can't leave until it's done, and then it's too late and too close to the evening weigh-in time), and told me "You just need to get over it".

"Get over it"...Have I ever mentioned how much I don't like that phrase now?  If I haven't...let me just say...I HATE that phrase.  Even if it isn't said in reference to Bailey (although, I do feel like she is one of the ones that feels I should be over it), I still don't like it.  Bailey is a huge thing...and right now, the little things that should be easy to "get over" feel like the are magnified by about 1000 times.   

I've had enough disruption in my life.  I need routine right now.  It's one of the things that is keeping me sane right now.  I can count on that routine.  I can count on things being "normal".  But throw the slightest kink in there (such as a friend having a baby at 31w2d) and it starts to throw me off...before I even have a chance to recoup and recover throw another kink in there (like my audit and not getting to weigh in until late) and that will throw me completely off. 

So, after being thrown off course, I feel like I've hit a brick wall.  This morning, I am exhausted, drained, and have no will.  I would lay on the couch all day, but to call in would require calling her, and I don't want to talk to, I will go in to work, go audit like I planned (keep my routine as much as normal today), and do what I am supposed to.  I guess it's all I can do.

Dear readers:  After the death of your child (or any traumatic event)...did you take comfort in having a routine or by not having one?  Am I just being too oversensitive & hormonal, or perhaps just a little too anal about my routine?  I need some perspective!  Be honest with me...


Dana said...

Get over it! I hate that she said that to you. I really do not understand how anyone, even if they haven't lost a child, can say that. I hope she felt ashamed of herself, even just a little bit, after she said that.

In the first 2 weeks after losing Jacob, I didn't want a routine. I only wanted to sit around the house and cry and be on the computer reading others stories. I went out a few times because DH wanted to, but the most I could handle was watering the plants on the balcony.

Once I went back to work, gradually phasing in a routine helped. I do like having a routine now and I find myself more lost on Saturdays and Sundays then I do during the week since I don't have to go to work and I have hours and hours to fill. So guess I'm not really adament about having a routine, but it helps to pass the time. I have trouble figuring out what to do with myself
-this gaping hole I always feel is probably responsible for that - and going to work everyday and making dinner and stuff helps to feel that hole a little bit less I guess.

Elaine said...

That's completely normal. You want the routine because routines are safe and comfortable and predictable. There's nothing wrong with that. You've already gone through enough change and stress to last a lifetime. I actually did go back to work sooner than I wanted so that I could get back to my normal routine but that didn't work for me. I was using it as a way to ignore what was happening in my life. Which turned out to be really bad for me and I ended up losing it. But if your routine makes you feel safe right now and is taking some pressure off of you then don't let anyone put that down.

Angela said...

Never doubt the power of a routine for it can keep you sane and moving. If your routine is helping you function by all means stick to the routine. That lovely dear who told you to "get over it" needs to learn a bit of compassion. I didn't do well with my routine getting upset before my daughter died. Now I completely lose it when things don't go as I planned. I don't have a work routine, but I do have a set schedule to my day and it definitely helps me function.

Julie said...

i don't think you're being oversensitive at all, danae. i, too, am all about routine - even before losing kenny - it's just my personality. but i went back to school 3 weeks after losing him, and there were only 2 weeks of school left. so i've been on summer vacation, and for the first time EVER, have found myself extremely anxious to get back to school. i need that daily routine. i need to have a concrete reason to get up at the same time everyday and be somewhere, with work to do, and something to keep myself occupied.

since i don't get to spend my summer putting together a nursery, ordering and prepping cloth diapers, and making a quilt for my son, i have instead been plowing through a to-do list: repaint bathroom trim, clean out all closets, reorganize shed, and much, much more. in the past, i always reveled in the opportunity to sleep in, watch a little tv, and be very casual about how i spent my time.

but if i were to allow myself to do that now, it would just give me too much time to wallow. one of my teacher friends recently commented on facebook about how unhappy she was to see school supplies on display at target, and i responded to say i can't wait for the new school year. she thought i was joking!

i know that it will be very difficult to go back to school, knowing that instead of returning with all the teachers, i should have been home with my newborn son. but i need that daily routine. starting a new school year will also mean that we are that much closer to trying again, and hopefully that much closer to bringing home a live baby.

Nicole said...

Danae, I'm so sorry your boss is so insensitive. That's not fair. Especially not right now.
No, I do not think you're being too sensitive. I know exactly what you mean about little things seeming worse now. When stupid things happen I get mad cuz I have the attitude, "I'm already dealing with the death of my daughter and I have to deal with something as stupid as THIS?" Sometimes I try to tell myself "Okay, I have been through SO much worse losing Avery, I can do THIS." It really depends on the day!!
I always say, feel however you feel! It's never wrong when the loss of a child is involved. And to answer your other question, for me, I prefer having no routine. I hate making plans in advance and then it's a "I'd rather stay in bed all day and now I can't" kind of thing. That's not healthy of me, so I do need some routine!!

Violet1122 said...

"Get over it"

What a crappy thing to say.

Honestly, after my losses... it was the "routines" I had that kept me functioning as a human being. If I didn't have those routines already in place... I'm sure I would have completely shut down.

Not that my routines were anything special. But they were small predictable things, that pushed me along my day.

So I get being thrown off by something out of the routine - out of the ordinary. I hope today ended up not being as bad as you thought!

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

I've had two people tell me to "get over it", and I really dislike them for that. It's hard to get over someone telling you to get over it. lol. Thanks for sharing your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!
Seems like we have some things in commone... I am an operations manager (teller manager) in virginia...what a fun yet stressful job!
God bless you...