Dear sweet girl,
Today is your first birthday. Mommy and daddy miss you so much. I can't believe it's been an entire year already. A WHOLE year. I still remember this day, last year, like it was just yesterday. I couldn't believe that at 23 weeks, we already had to meet you. I remember the freshness of the pain when your daddy had to come in and tell me the worst news I had ever heard...that we had to let you go and that you were gone. I remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms the very first time. I remember the kindness and love everyone showed us while we sat in a room on the NICU floor, with you gone. I remember the tears in the eyes and sorrow in the voices. It's so clear.
Today is the last "first". We have made it through the year of "firsts" without you. First Mother's Day, Father's Day, our birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and now your first birthday. I wish I had a big party to plan, and was getting you a huge cake for you to absolutely destroy. But, instead, we are going to go put new flowers out on your grave, and we will have a cake, just for you.
You are loved and missed sweet girl. I hope that you are having the biggest party in Heaven today. I hope all of your friends are there with you and I hope you all are having cake and ice cream and making messes!
We went yesterday to pick out your memorial stone for your grave, but I know you know that. That's the last thing we needed to do for you, and we wanted to do it around your first birthday. So, we went and found a stone for you, but they are going to have to custom make the size we want, and we hope they can do it.
We miss you and we love you. Be with us today as it's going to be a hard day without you. Send mommy, daddy, and your little sister some special kisses.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's a..........
Yesterday, we went for my follow-up appointment at MFM. I was expecting to get my cervix checked and make sure all was going well after getting the cerclage placed. Someone came and got us and took us back to an ultrasound room. She told me she was going to ultrasound my cervix and then she would do a regular ultrasound so we could see how baby was doing.
She checked my cervix and she said it looked great. She came back in and started ultrasounding CB. She asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We told her we did and asked her if it was too early. She said it might be, but she would try and see what she could see...and what did she see?
She didn't see any boy parts and she saw 3 lines...so, CB is a girl! After we finished with her, we had to wait for about an hour for my Dr. because he had to perform an emergency c-section. Once he came in and started looking, he also asked if we knew what we were having. We told him the u/s tech "thinks" it's a girl. He said "well, that just won't do! Let's look again and see if we can confirm that!". So, Dr. Mirabile looked again, and he said "Yup, it's a girl! That definitely looks like a vajayjay!". It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, because I really didn't expecting him to say that!
So, we are going with the girl ruling unless we find out otherwise in a few weeks! We are very excited, and Adam was grinning from ear to ear.
So, CB is no longer "it" or "he or she". CB is "she" and she has a name! CB is officially Cameron Bailey! We decided to keep Bailey as part of the name if we had a girl, because we want her to know about her big sister.
We are excited, but still nervous at the same time. Like I said...one day at a time...with both of our little girls.
She checked my cervix and she said it looked great. She came back in and started ultrasounding CB. She asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We told her we did and asked her if it was too early. She said it might be, but she would try and see what she could see...and what did she see?
She didn't see any boy parts and she saw 3 lines...so, CB is a girl! After we finished with her, we had to wait for about an hour for my Dr. because he had to perform an emergency c-section. Once he came in and started looking, he also asked if we knew what we were having. We told him the u/s tech "thinks" it's a girl. He said "well, that just won't do! Let's look again and see if we can confirm that!". So, Dr. Mirabile looked again, and he said "Yup, it's a girl! That definitely looks like a vajayjay!". It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, because I really didn't expecting him to say that!
So, we are going with the girl ruling unless we find out otherwise in a few weeks! We are very excited, and Adam was grinning from ear to ear.
So, CB is no longer "it" or "he or she". CB is "she" and she has a name! CB is officially Cameron Bailey! We decided to keep Bailey as part of the name if we had a girl, because we want her to know about her big sister.
We are excited, but still nervous at the same time. Like I said...one day at a time...with both of our little girls.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
14w6d - 3.13.2011
Today is 14 weeks and 6 days. Cerclage is done. CB is healthy. Mommy's a nervous wreck most days. But, we are getting there. The next 8 weeks are going to be the hardest...and the hardest of them all is only about 2 weeks away.
Weekly appointments with my regular doctor because they want just as badly as we do to bring this baby home. They are willing to see me however many times a week that I need to feel calm. They are wonderful and I can't have asked for more caring people. When I feel like a total nut-job, they assure me over and over that I'm not and that they don't mind me coming in as often as I need.
I asked my Dr. today about if I will be able to exercise at all during this pregnancy. As I expected, the answer was NO! So, I went to the gym today to freeze my membership until mid-November. I am doing that because I have every intention, plan, and hope to bring this baby home, and no sooner than sometime in September. My gym is wonderful too. I have told one trainer there our story and when I walked in today, she was training someone else, but saw me, noticed my bump (MY BUMP!) and got excited! Someone else helped us freeze our accounts. She knew who I was and she got excited too and said they all were just talking about me the other day and was wondering where I had been. It's nice to know they have recognized that I have been gone (or so they say) and that I have actually be missed. Come November, I'll be going back to the gym so CB can have a mom that is fit, active, and fun!
I start my P17 shots next week and picked up my first vial (5 shots) for $55.00 this week.
So, this pregnancy is progressing. We've had our fair share of rough moments already, but we are still blessed to be pregnant and for the most part...complication free.
As we progress through the next 8 weeks, we have a lot going on. Bailey's 1st birthday is April 30th, which is only about 2 weeks away. I'm having anxiety about it, but know it will be okay. And our other big milestone will be to get to June 9th....23 weeks. My personal challenge that week is that internal audit will be here, so I will have no time to myself and will have quite a bit of stress.
One day at a time...sometimes even only one minute at a time...we're getting there though.
Weekly appointments with my regular doctor because they want just as badly as we do to bring this baby home. They are willing to see me however many times a week that I need to feel calm. They are wonderful and I can't have asked for more caring people. When I feel like a total nut-job, they assure me over and over that I'm not and that they don't mind me coming in as often as I need.
I asked my Dr. today about if I will be able to exercise at all during this pregnancy. As I expected, the answer was NO! So, I went to the gym today to freeze my membership until mid-November. I am doing that because I have every intention, plan, and hope to bring this baby home, and no sooner than sometime in September. My gym is wonderful too. I have told one trainer there our story and when I walked in today, she was training someone else, but saw me, noticed my bump (MY BUMP!) and got excited! Someone else helped us freeze our accounts. She knew who I was and she got excited too and said they all were just talking about me the other day and was wondering where I had been. It's nice to know they have recognized that I have been gone (or so they say) and that I have actually be missed. Come November, I'll be going back to the gym so CB can have a mom that is fit, active, and fun!
I start my P17 shots next week and picked up my first vial (5 shots) for $55.00 this week.
So, this pregnancy is progressing. We've had our fair share of rough moments already, but we are still blessed to be pregnant and for the most part...complication free.
As we progress through the next 8 weeks, we have a lot going on. Bailey's 1st birthday is April 30th, which is only about 2 weeks away. I'm having anxiety about it, but know it will be okay. And our other big milestone will be to get to June 9th....23 weeks. My personal challenge that week is that internal audit will be here, so I will have no time to myself and will have quite a bit of stress.
One day at a time...sometimes even only one minute at a time...we're getting there though.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Cerclage in Place
I had my cerclage put in on Friday morning and so far all is going well. We went in for the procedure and had to check in at 5:00 a.m. We got checked in and put in a room in our own room in Labor and Delivery (that was awkward) and nurses were in before long to check CB's heartbeat and had to chase him or her all over the place and the monitor got kicked multiple times (we could actually hear it). We had a good laugh about that.
It took 3 different nurses and 5 different attempts to get my IV in place. A spot on my right arm STILL hurts today. At one point, Dr. Mirabile was in my room and saw 3 nurses and told them that if they didn't get it by the next time that they needed to stop poking on me and get my anesthesiologist up there to do it.
Right at 7:00 a.m., they rolled me out of my room and down to surgery. I had my spinal block done and was in the stirrups within minutes. The procedure took about 30 minutes from start to finish and Dr. Mirabile said it was very easy and went fantastically! That made me happy.
I really had to focus on not freaking out when I got in the operating room. I knew having the spinal would make me feel exactly like I did when I was getting ready for my c-section, and I vividly remember freaking out towards the end of my c-section because I don't like being able to feel my feet. The stirrups made this experience different in a way, so that made it a little easier.
After I was rolled back in my room, Adam was quickly asleep and I dozed off and on. Again, it reminded me of post c-section because my nurse was in and out. I started getting feeling back in my legs a couple of hours later and asked for something for the pain around 10:30. Around noon my nurse got me up to try to go and use the bathroom. I got up, got to the bathroom, but still had no feeling in my nether-regions so I couldn't do anything. So, back to bed I went, and ordered lunch.
Right about the time my lunch arrived, I was so nauseated that I couldn't eat. The next time my nurse came in, I told her that, and she said it was probably because of a full bladder. She decided to go ahead and do a catheter to empty my bladder...and boy was it full! She drained over 1100 CC's...and the pressure instantly went away and so did the nausea.
I finally got enough feeling back to be able to go to the bathroom on my own around 3:00 and was discharged around 3:45. I was able to walk out of the hospital and was so grateful for that. They offered a wheelchair, but any mom who has been through loss understands that being rolled out of the hospital with no baby in their arms, it's an empty feeling. And even though my baby is still in my belly, safe and sound, I couldn't bear the thought of using that wheelchair. So, I walked my happy self out!
I took one more pain pill when I got home and since then I have taken Tylenol. So, overall, I think I'm doing well! We're almost out of the first trimester and I'm thrilled about that!
It took 3 different nurses and 5 different attempts to get my IV in place. A spot on my right arm STILL hurts today. At one point, Dr. Mirabile was in my room and saw 3 nurses and told them that if they didn't get it by the next time that they needed to stop poking on me and get my anesthesiologist up there to do it.
Right at 7:00 a.m., they rolled me out of my room and down to surgery. I had my spinal block done and was in the stirrups within minutes. The procedure took about 30 minutes from start to finish and Dr. Mirabile said it was very easy and went fantastically! That made me happy.
I really had to focus on not freaking out when I got in the operating room. I knew having the spinal would make me feel exactly like I did when I was getting ready for my c-section, and I vividly remember freaking out towards the end of my c-section because I don't like being able to feel my feet. The stirrups made this experience different in a way, so that made it a little easier.
After I was rolled back in my room, Adam was quickly asleep and I dozed off and on. Again, it reminded me of post c-section because my nurse was in and out. I started getting feeling back in my legs a couple of hours later and asked for something for the pain around 10:30. Around noon my nurse got me up to try to go and use the bathroom. I got up, got to the bathroom, but still had no feeling in my nether-regions so I couldn't do anything. So, back to bed I went, and ordered lunch.
Right about the time my lunch arrived, I was so nauseated that I couldn't eat. The next time my nurse came in, I told her that, and she said it was probably because of a full bladder. She decided to go ahead and do a catheter to empty my bladder...and boy was it full! She drained over 1100 CC's...and the pressure instantly went away and so did the nausea.
I finally got enough feeling back to be able to go to the bathroom on my own around 3:00 and was discharged around 3:45. I was able to walk out of the hospital and was so grateful for that. They offered a wheelchair, but any mom who has been through loss understands that being rolled out of the hospital with no baby in their arms, it's an empty feeling. And even though my baby is still in my belly, safe and sound, I couldn't bear the thought of using that wheelchair. So, I walked my happy self out!
I took one more pain pill when I got home and since then I have taken Tylenol. So, overall, I think I'm doing well! We're almost out of the first trimester and I'm thrilled about that!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
What a Day
Today has been exhausting. Let's start with I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and woke up holding tight to my slightly bulging belly and thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I haven't ever had an anxiety attack like the one I felt last night. And it was 12:30 a.m...which is when I woke up when I was in labor with Bailey. I don't know why, but I have come to really dread that time.
I tossed and turned the rest of the night and this morning, first thing at 9:00 a.m., I called my Dr.'s office, left a message on my nurse's line and got a call back within 5 minutes of me calling. I told London about my anxiety attack and about my massive constipation I have had. I'll talk about that in just a bit...I know you, as my reader, can't wait to hear about my plumbing problems...lol!
My nurse wanted me to come in at 10:15 to see my Dr. I needed reassurance that everything is okay with CB. We got there and waited for a little while, and then my Dr. brought in the portable sono machine and did a quick ultrasound and we saw CB wiggling around...whew! Heartrate was 157 bpm...again...whew!
We discussed whether or not for me to start taking an anti-depressant. I'm not thrilled with the idea and she said I didn't have to. I think I am going to wait until after the cerclage procedure and see how I am doing after that. I know part of the anxiety is because we are only a month away from Bailey's first birthday and as it gets closer, the harder it gets.
We talked about my constipation and she wants me to take Colace twice a day and Benefiber twice a day until I regulate and then once a day on both for the remainder of my pregnancy. Go figure that the day we talk about this, I FINALLY had 2 bowel movements and my belly feels better.
We also talked about doing the P17 shots when I reach 16 weeks. She knew there were pharmacies here that are still compounding the drug, so she called my MFM today to find out if they knew where, and they did, so my Dr.'s office called to find out the shelf life on the meds. She said if the shelf life was good (or even if it wasn't), she would call in what she could for me, so we could at least get it for cheaper than $1500/shot. I received a call back from them while I was in the shower this afternoon, and they found a pharmacy that is still compounding it, and they called in my prescription...and I think it's for the whole 20 shots! I will pay $55.00/vial instead of the $1500/shot and I am ecstatic about it. I was so worried about what we were going to do when we got to that point, because we really need that shot, as I know so many other people do too.
After a sleepless night, I did catch a nap today because I didn't go back to work after my appointment, and overall, I am feeling better. Counting down the days until we get the cerclage in, and praying it does the trick! That along with the shots, I am hoping that we can keep CB in here for another 26 weeks!
I tossed and turned the rest of the night and this morning, first thing at 9:00 a.m., I called my Dr.'s office, left a message on my nurse's line and got a call back within 5 minutes of me calling. I told London about my anxiety attack and about my massive constipation I have had. I'll talk about that in just a bit...I know you, as my reader, can't wait to hear about my plumbing problems...lol!
My nurse wanted me to come in at 10:15 to see my Dr. I needed reassurance that everything is okay with CB. We got there and waited for a little while, and then my Dr. brought in the portable sono machine and did a quick ultrasound and we saw CB wiggling around...whew! Heartrate was 157 bpm...again...whew!
We discussed whether or not for me to start taking an anti-depressant. I'm not thrilled with the idea and she said I didn't have to. I think I am going to wait until after the cerclage procedure and see how I am doing after that. I know part of the anxiety is because we are only a month away from Bailey's first birthday and as it gets closer, the harder it gets.
We talked about my constipation and she wants me to take Colace twice a day and Benefiber twice a day until I regulate and then once a day on both for the remainder of my pregnancy. Go figure that the day we talk about this, I FINALLY had 2 bowel movements and my belly feels better.
We also talked about doing the P17 shots when I reach 16 weeks. She knew there were pharmacies here that are still compounding the drug, so she called my MFM today to find out if they knew where, and they did, so my Dr.'s office called to find out the shelf life on the meds. She said if the shelf life was good (or even if it wasn't), she would call in what she could for me, so we could at least get it for cheaper than $1500/shot. I received a call back from them while I was in the shower this afternoon, and they found a pharmacy that is still compounding it, and they called in my prescription...and I think it's for the whole 20 shots! I will pay $55.00/vial instead of the $1500/shot and I am ecstatic about it. I was so worried about what we were going to do when we got to that point, because we really need that shot, as I know so many other people do too.
After a sleepless night, I did catch a nap today because I didn't go back to work after my appointment, and overall, I am feeling better. Counting down the days until we get the cerclage in, and praying it does the trick! That along with the shots, I am hoping that we can keep CB in here for another 26 weeks!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
First High Risk Appointment
I had my first high-risk appointment with the perinatologist yesterday afternoon. I spent majority of the day having massive anxiety, because I was so afraid something was going to be wrong with CB. The other part of my anxiety was because I had NO idea what to expect.
We got to our appointment and first thing we did was have an extensive ultrasound done. It was nice to have an ultrasound done, because I wasn't really expecting it. This was more extensive than even my 18 week ultrasound with Bailey. Yesterday, I was 11w5d and CB was measuring at 12w1d with a heartrate of 163 bpm! We got pictures of his/her feet and hands and good picture of the face (looks like a little martian) and then a regular profile picture. All development of the brain, bladder, and stomach looked normal. She also did an internal ultrasound to measure my cervix. She didn't share those measurements.
Dr. Mirabile came in shortly after she was done and did another ultrasound and said that CB looked really good and he was pleased. He offered to do the NT screening and we decided to go ahead and have that done since it was non-invasive testing. He also did a physical check of my cervix and said it was closed, firm, and something else.
We scheduled to have the cerclage placed on April 1st at 7:00 a.m. We have to be at Mercy at 5:00 a.m. to check in. I have prescriptions for afterwards and they said no food or water for 8 hours prior to the procedure. That one will stink because I wake up during the night and am horribly thirsty. But, I am not going to risk it, because they said if I do eat or drink after the time, they will cancel the procedure. I need that done so hopefully CB will hang out up there until the end, so I will survive without.
So, cerclage on April 1st and then next appointment with MFM on April 26th. That will put me in my 16th week, so I am hoping that they will do another ultrasound at that time, and MAYBE we can find out what little CB is! I can't wait to find out!
So, so far, so good...and that's all we can ask for right now. We'll continue loving this little one for as long as he or she gets to be with us...and hopefully, that's for the rest of my lifetime.
We got to our appointment and first thing we did was have an extensive ultrasound done. It was nice to have an ultrasound done, because I wasn't really expecting it. This was more extensive than even my 18 week ultrasound with Bailey. Yesterday, I was 11w5d and CB was measuring at 12w1d with a heartrate of 163 bpm! We got pictures of his/her feet and hands and good picture of the face (looks like a little martian) and then a regular profile picture. All development of the brain, bladder, and stomach looked normal. She also did an internal ultrasound to measure my cervix. She didn't share those measurements.
Dr. Mirabile came in shortly after she was done and did another ultrasound and said that CB looked really good and he was pleased. He offered to do the NT screening and we decided to go ahead and have that done since it was non-invasive testing. He also did a physical check of my cervix and said it was closed, firm, and something else.
We scheduled to have the cerclage placed on April 1st at 7:00 a.m. We have to be at Mercy at 5:00 a.m. to check in. I have prescriptions for afterwards and they said no food or water for 8 hours prior to the procedure. That one will stink because I wake up during the night and am horribly thirsty. But, I am not going to risk it, because they said if I do eat or drink after the time, they will cancel the procedure. I need that done so hopefully CB will hang out up there until the end, so I will survive without.
So, cerclage on April 1st and then next appointment with MFM on April 26th. That will put me in my 16th week, so I am hoping that they will do another ultrasound at that time, and MAYBE we can find out what little CB is! I can't wait to find out!
So, so far, so good...and that's all we can ask for right now. We'll continue loving this little one for as long as he or she gets to be with us...and hopefully, that's for the rest of my lifetime.
Monday, March 14, 2011
10w4d
Today is 10w4d and my, oh my, has this week been an anxiety filled one. Yesterday, we went to the ER because I was bleeding. The ER Doctor was a jerk (in my opinion) and kept talking about how we would just have to wait and see if this ends in miscarriage or if it turns out okay.
We went to my infertility specialist for my last visit today. CB was all over the place and was very active! We then followed up with my regular Dr. after yesterday's events. We talked for a while, and she completely understands my anxiety and wants us to be as at ease as possible, so she has offered to let us come in weekly for sonograms and heartrate checks, or however often we need. She said she understands that I probably won't relax until we are in the "safe" zone, but she said she also knows that being a part of this community that I won't be completely at ease until this little one is safe and sound in our arms. I'm so blessed to have wonderful Dr.'s who are willing to accommodate us and help us however we need.
Next sonogram is scheduled for Friday. And I'll add the picture of CB from today once I get it scanned in to my computer.
It's back to work tomorrow for me, but with limited duty. I think I am going to rest and relax and not do any audits until after we go to high-risk next week and possibly not until after we have our cerclage done. Once we get through that, and through the 12 week mark, I think I will feel a little bit better for the time being...at least until we get to 23 weeks.
We went to my infertility specialist for my last visit today. CB was all over the place and was very active! We then followed up with my regular Dr. after yesterday's events. We talked for a while, and she completely understands my anxiety and wants us to be as at ease as possible, so she has offered to let us come in weekly for sonograms and heartrate checks, or however often we need. She said she understands that I probably won't relax until we are in the "safe" zone, but she said she also knows that being a part of this community that I won't be completely at ease until this little one is safe and sound in our arms. I'm so blessed to have wonderful Dr.'s who are willing to accommodate us and help us however we need.
Next sonogram is scheduled for Friday. And I'll add the picture of CB from today once I get it scanned in to my computer.
It's back to work tomorrow for me, but with limited duty. I think I am going to rest and relax and not do any audits until after we go to high-risk next week and possibly not until after we have our cerclage done. Once we get through that, and through the 12 week mark, I think I will feel a little bit better for the time being...at least until we get to 23 weeks.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It's Scary
Pregnancy is supposed to be exciting and fun...but, let's be honest...none of my pregnancies have really ever been just that. My first 2 were short-lived, my third was a nerve racking experience until I got out of the first trimester and then at 23 weeks my world got turned upside down. And this pregnancy has been not as eventful as Bailey's, but let's face it, it's just pretty darn scary.
At 9w4d with Bailey, I had unexplained bleeding that landed me on bedrest for 2 days. At 9w4d (Monday) with CB, I had tightness in my abdomen and then a horrible lower backache and cramps that landed me in the emergency room to make sure everything was okay. CB was bouncing away on the monitor (for the brief second we saw) and all tests for infection and UTI came back negative. Some people might think, "really, a trip to the ER for a lower backache and tightness?" I will go to the ER every week if something doesn't feel right and it's after hours at my Dr.'s office, just to know CB is okay and that neither one of us are in danger.
A follow-up with my RE's office yesterday, left me feeling better because CB was a bouncy little one and my cervix measured double what they expect. My instructions are to hydrate, stay off of my feet, and call if I need ANYTHING. There was talk of bedrest...but we avoided that for the time being.
Can I say again that I LOVE my RE's office? My Dr. and his nurse are wonderful. I often feel like a pain in the butt to them, but after talking to them both yesterday, my nurse told me to NEVER hesitate if I need to call. She told me when she checks her voicemail and hears that I have called, I am top priority to call back, because they know how hard it's been for me. In a way, I hate being "that patient" but at the same time, I felt so much better to know that I am not as crazy as I thought.
Next appointment is with my regular OB's office on Thursday. I'll only see the nurse and will get asked probably 200 questions, but my 1 question for them is: What will be different with them in regards to seeing me this time around? I'm already going to a high-risk Dr., but is that it? Or will they monitor me closer too?
I just don't want to go through the next 30 weeks (probably a couple less) scared and feeling like I am walking on egg-shells. I want this to be exciting and fun. And more importantly, I want to bring home more than just a memory.
At 9w4d with Bailey, I had unexplained bleeding that landed me on bedrest for 2 days. At 9w4d (Monday) with CB, I had tightness in my abdomen and then a horrible lower backache and cramps that landed me in the emergency room to make sure everything was okay. CB was bouncing away on the monitor (for the brief second we saw) and all tests for infection and UTI came back negative. Some people might think, "really, a trip to the ER for a lower backache and tightness?" I will go to the ER every week if something doesn't feel right and it's after hours at my Dr.'s office, just to know CB is okay and that neither one of us are in danger.
A follow-up with my RE's office yesterday, left me feeling better because CB was a bouncy little one and my cervix measured double what they expect. My instructions are to hydrate, stay off of my feet, and call if I need ANYTHING. There was talk of bedrest...but we avoided that for the time being.
Can I say again that I LOVE my RE's office? My Dr. and his nurse are wonderful. I often feel like a pain in the butt to them, but after talking to them both yesterday, my nurse told me to NEVER hesitate if I need to call. She told me when she checks her voicemail and hears that I have called, I am top priority to call back, because they know how hard it's been for me. In a way, I hate being "that patient" but at the same time, I felt so much better to know that I am not as crazy as I thought.
Next appointment is with my regular OB's office on Thursday. I'll only see the nurse and will get asked probably 200 questions, but my 1 question for them is: What will be different with them in regards to seeing me this time around? I'm already going to a high-risk Dr., but is that it? Or will they monitor me closer too?
I just don't want to go through the next 30 weeks (probably a couple less) scared and feeling like I am walking on egg-shells. I want this to be exciting and fun. And more importantly, I want to bring home more than just a memory.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
8w4d with CB and 10 months without Bailey
Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. On one hand, we got to see CB and see that he/she (we really think CB is a girl due to the Cuban predictor and also the Chinese thingy agrees, so don't be surprised if I just starting referring to CB that way) is a little wiggler! We got to see her wiggling little arms and legs! It was absolutely adorable! We are right on track and actually measuring 2 days up from the last 2 visits. Our first 2 visits placed our due date a October 9th, which according to my LMP is October 6th, and yesterday, CB was measuring at October 7th!
And oh, that beautiful little heartbeat. Beating strong and steady and 172 bpm. That is the most beautiful music to any momma's ears. Getting to hear the heartbeat of the precious little one that is growing inside of us. My heart just melts.
We scheduled our first appointment with my regular OB yesterday for March 10th. It will be the fabulous appointment where we get to answer about 200 questions. Then we go back to my RE on the 14th for one more ultrasound with him. I love my RE's office...he is so understanding about how hard this is for us, and he wants us to have piece of mind. And then on March 22nd, we will have our first appointment with the MFM. We should have our cerclage done that same week or the week after, because I will turn 12 weeks a couple of days after that appointment.
Test this on your little ones and see if it works...everyone I know close to me, it has proven true, and I'm curious if it proved true for you? The Cuban method: Take your age at time of conception + the month you conceived and add those 2 numbers together. If it's odd it's a boy, if it's even it's a girl. For example with Bailey: I was 26 when we conceived and we conceived in December. 26+12 = 38. 38 is an even number = girl! With CB: I was 27 when we conceived and we conceived in January. 27+1=28. 28 is even = girl! Did you try it? Did it work for you? Please let me know! I'm curious! :)
Here's a picture of CB on 2/28/2011. My little wiggle-worm!
And oh, that beautiful little heartbeat. Beating strong and steady and 172 bpm. That is the most beautiful music to any momma's ears. Getting to hear the heartbeat of the precious little one that is growing inside of us. My heart just melts.
We scheduled our first appointment with my regular OB yesterday for March 10th. It will be the fabulous appointment where we get to answer about 200 questions. Then we go back to my RE on the 14th for one more ultrasound with him. I love my RE's office...he is so understanding about how hard this is for us, and he wants us to have piece of mind. And then on March 22nd, we will have our first appointment with the MFM. We should have our cerclage done that same week or the week after, because I will turn 12 weeks a couple of days after that appointment.
Test this on your little ones and see if it works...everyone I know close to me, it has proven true, and I'm curious if it proved true for you? The Cuban method: Take your age at time of conception + the month you conceived and add those 2 numbers together. If it's odd it's a boy, if it's even it's a girl. For example with Bailey: I was 26 when we conceived and we conceived in December. 26+12 = 38. 38 is an even number = girl! With CB: I was 27 when we conceived and we conceived in January. 27+1=28. 28 is even = girl! Did you try it? Did it work for you? Please let me know! I'm curious! :)
Here's a picture of CB on 2/28/2011. My little wiggle-worm!
Even with all the happiness I felt yesterday, there was still some sadness. Yesterday was 10 months that we've been without our little Bailey. I still miss her dearly, but I know she is watching out for her little brother or sister. I know she is helping us get through. And I know that in 2 months we will be celebrating this precious little girl's 1st birthday, and that just blows my mind. I remember being 2 months into this journey, not being able to imagine what it would be like to be a year out. And now, we are almost there, and it just seems unreal. It's just crazy.
I have hope and I have faith and I pray with every fiber of my being that CB is our take-home baby. Bailey, honey, can you pull some strings and see if you can help us out with mommy's request? Mommy and Daddy loves you and we miss you sweet girl, but we know you are watching out for CB. Be good and don't cause too much mischief!
Love,
Mommy
Friday, February 25, 2011
M feels good about it
I work with a woman, and we'll call her M for anonymity. My last 3 pregnancies, M has "known". She's just like that...she can sense it. Erin and I always kid around and say it's her creepy voo-doo that makes her know, but I don't know how she does it, but she always just knows.
Yesterday, I went to tell her about us expecting again, and before I even said anything, she just said "I already know...but I haven't said anything.". Now, I told a person who works next to her the day before, and I asked her if C had told her, and she said "Yes, but I've known for a lot longer than that". When I asked her how long she's felt it, she said she's known for about a month...which ironically is about how long Adam and I have known.
M and I continued talking and she told me that she felt last time that I wasn't going to get to keep Bailey. She said she just felt it. But, she said that she feels good about this one and she feels like it's all going to work out good for us this time. I don't remember her telling me that last time.
So, as odd as it is, I felt a little comforted to know that M feels like this one is good. And God only knows how much I hope and pray she is right.
So, it's going on the books today, that M feels like this one is the one...and little CB, I do hope you are the one we get to keep, because I'm already head over heels in love with you.
Question to my readers: Have you ever had anyone tell you something "odd" like this before and do you remember how it turned out?
Yesterday, I went to tell her about us expecting again, and before I even said anything, she just said "I already know...but I haven't said anything.". Now, I told a person who works next to her the day before, and I asked her if C had told her, and she said "Yes, but I've known for a lot longer than that". When I asked her how long she's felt it, she said she's known for about a month...which ironically is about how long Adam and I have known.
M and I continued talking and she told me that she felt last time that I wasn't going to get to keep Bailey. She said she just felt it. But, she said that she feels good about this one and she feels like it's all going to work out good for us this time. I don't remember her telling me that last time.
So, as odd as it is, I felt a little comforted to know that M feels like this one is good. And God only knows how much I hope and pray she is right.
So, it's going on the books today, that M feels like this one is the one...and little CB, I do hope you are the one we get to keep, because I'm already head over heels in love with you.
Question to my readers: Have you ever had anyone tell you something "odd" like this before and do you remember how it turned out?
Monday, February 21, 2011
7w4d
Ultrasound this morning at 8:00 a.m. with my RE and music to my ears...CB's little heartrate was nice and strong at 155 bpm. RE made it clear we are not out of the woods yet, which I know, but I hope and pray little CB stays with us for the next 32 weeks and then makes a grand arrival!
I know all the statistics...there is less than 5% chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat...but, I know how my odds tend to go. I also know though that my 1st 2 m/c's were before we even got far enough to see anything.
I'm still spotting, but I think I am just not "normal" and this is my "normal"...with Bailey, I bled full out at 9 weeks. With this one, if spotting is it...then hallelujah...I can handle that.
Nausea kicked in this week...nothing horrible, just enough to let me know it's there. I've been exhausted for about 2 weeks and making constant trips to the bathroom. But, I'll take all of it. We are doing daily injections of progesterone, which Adam gives to me in my butt every night...he's NOT loving that part.
But, so far...so good. I went ahead and announced on Facebook because we can use all the prayers from friends and family that we can get.
Here's a picture of CB (btw: CB is because "C" will be the first letter in this baby's first name, and if it's a girl, her middle name will be Bailey, so we have decided to call this one CB until that time) at 7w4d (measuring at 7w1d which is right on track from last week).
I know all the statistics...there is less than 5% chance of miscarriage after hearing the heartbeat...but, I know how my odds tend to go. I also know though that my 1st 2 m/c's were before we even got far enough to see anything.
I'm still spotting, but I think I am just not "normal" and this is my "normal"...with Bailey, I bled full out at 9 weeks. With this one, if spotting is it...then hallelujah...I can handle that.
Nausea kicked in this week...nothing horrible, just enough to let me know it's there. I've been exhausted for about 2 weeks and making constant trips to the bathroom. But, I'll take all of it. We are doing daily injections of progesterone, which Adam gives to me in my butt every night...he's NOT loving that part.
But, so far...so good. I went ahead and announced on Facebook because we can use all the prayers from friends and family that we can get.
Here's a picture of CB (btw: CB is because "C" will be the first letter in this baby's first name, and if it's a girl, her middle name will be Bailey, so we have decided to call this one CB until that time) at 7w4d (measuring at 7w1d which is right on track from last week).
Friday, February 18, 2011
Dreams
The dreams I have during pregnancy are enough to disturb anyone I think. That's one symptom I could do without, but it is one that has been consistent throughout my pregnancy with Bailey and now with CB.
With Bailey, I always had dreams about random people I don't know dying while they were around me. One person fell off a cliff and plummeted to death. I found one person in a river who had drowned...they were always weird and creepy.
With this pregnancy, most dreams have been about me being in NCIS. Now, I totally don't mind those dreams when you are wandering around with Gibbs, DiNozzo, McGee, and Ziva...but, they're sometimes rather odd too.
But last night, I had a dream that I was bleeding heavily. I woke up, jumped up, ran to the bathroom (needed to pee anyways), and did a check. No blood. I know these kinds of dreams are supposed to be the "worry dreams"...but, geez.
I'm just ready for Monday. I want to make sure CB is doing okay. I want him or her to strive. I want him or her to be healthy. And I want him or her to live. I want to bring a happy, healthy, alive baby home in September or October.
I don't think it's too much to ask for, right?
With Bailey, I always had dreams about random people I don't know dying while they were around me. One person fell off a cliff and plummeted to death. I found one person in a river who had drowned...they were always weird and creepy.
With this pregnancy, most dreams have been about me being in NCIS. Now, I totally don't mind those dreams when you are wandering around with Gibbs, DiNozzo, McGee, and Ziva...but, they're sometimes rather odd too.
But last night, I had a dream that I was bleeding heavily. I woke up, jumped up, ran to the bathroom (needed to pee anyways), and did a check. No blood. I know these kinds of dreams are supposed to be the "worry dreams"...but, geez.
I'm just ready for Monday. I want to make sure CB is doing okay. I want him or her to strive. I want him or her to be healthy. And I want him or her to live. I want to bring a happy, healthy, alive baby home in September or October.
I don't think it's too much to ask for, right?
Monday, February 14, 2011
A Valentine's Day to Remember
NOTE: This post WILL have triggers for MOST of my followers.
I know I will probably be black-listed from a lot of my readers...actually...I don't know that I really have that many "readers" anymore...but, nonetheless, I figure this will black-list me for some...I can't say I blame you and I am so sorry for those it hurts. Please know I love you all.
I wanted to share this with the people who read my blog first, because it is you all who have helped get me through the last 9 1/2 months. It is you all who have supported me when we decided to adopt. It is you all who I pray for every night. And it is you all who deserve to hear this straight from the horses mouth.
After a long, hard 9 1/2 months, many sleepless nights, many tears, and disappointments, I can finally announce that Bailey is going to be a big sister! I have known for almost 3 weeks, finding out DAYS before my test date.
On January 25th after getting a positive pregnancy test, I went for my first beta. Levels came back at 26.22. On the 27th, they went up to 104.5! My final beta on February 3rd came back at 1936.
It's been a monster of a roller coaster already. I have already had spotting, which didn't start with Bailey until 9 weeks. It's been mainly brown but 2 episodes of pink were enough to make me think it was over.
But, today, on a Valentine's Day to remember (I'm not really into Valentine's Day most years...I think it's a Hallmark holiday)...we had our first ultrasound this morning, and this little one showed us a nice strong heartbeat (that we got to hear too) and was in the 130's!
We will be having weekly ultrasounds for the first few weeks with my RE and then we will be released to go to the MFM & my regular OB/GYN at around 10 weeks. I should have my cerclage put in at 12 weeks, and then we will go from there. The MFM has a whole big plan of what he wants to do.
Lots of Dr.'s appointments coming up, but I am finally excited at what the future (hopefully) holds for us! And I pray with every fiber of my being that this little one is the one who gets to come with us in September/October!
I know I will probably be black-listed from a lot of my readers...actually...I don't know that I really have that many "readers" anymore...but, nonetheless, I figure this will black-list me for some...I can't say I blame you and I am so sorry for those it hurts. Please know I love you all.
I wanted to share this with the people who read my blog first, because it is you all who have helped get me through the last 9 1/2 months. It is you all who have supported me when we decided to adopt. It is you all who I pray for every night. And it is you all who deserve to hear this straight from the horses mouth.
After a long, hard 9 1/2 months, many sleepless nights, many tears, and disappointments, I can finally announce that Bailey is going to be a big sister! I have known for almost 3 weeks, finding out DAYS before my test date.
On January 25th after getting a positive pregnancy test, I went for my first beta. Levels came back at 26.22. On the 27th, they went up to 104.5! My final beta on February 3rd came back at 1936.
It's been a monster of a roller coaster already. I have already had spotting, which didn't start with Bailey until 9 weeks. It's been mainly brown but 2 episodes of pink were enough to make me think it was over.
But, today, on a Valentine's Day to remember (I'm not really into Valentine's Day most years...I think it's a Hallmark holiday)...we had our first ultrasound this morning, and this little one showed us a nice strong heartbeat (that we got to hear too) and was in the 130's!
We will be having weekly ultrasounds for the first few weeks with my RE and then we will be released to go to the MFM & my regular OB/GYN at around 10 weeks. I should have my cerclage put in at 12 weeks, and then we will go from there. The MFM has a whole big plan of what he wants to do.
Lots of Dr.'s appointments coming up, but I am finally excited at what the future (hopefully) holds for us! And I pray with every fiber of my being that this little one is the one who gets to come with us in September/October!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Anxiety
So much is going on right now and I'm having such anxiety. I can't divulge any information right now, but I just ask if you are a pray-warrior...please keep us in your prayers. I will divulge what I know soon...very soon, so stay tuned.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Blizzard 2011
Oklahoma has received "the Blizzard" of 2011 and it takes me back to "the Blizzard" of 2009. Christmas Eve 2009, we got record amounts of snowfall. Adam and I had been in our house for just a month. Christmas was so important that year, because we had planned on telling my parents that we were pregnant. And the blizzard about ruined it all.
But, my mom and dad came to the rescue, and drove for 7 hours to pick us up and take us back with them. The drive they made normally only takes 2 hours round trip. I had a HORRIBLE headache by the time we got there, and after we opened presents, we made our announcement. It was special.
This year...the blizzard has us at home, snowed in, doing not much of anything. I should be working on poofies for my quilt and for potholders, working on the recipe book, so we can raise more money, but I'm being lazy and not really doing anything. It's noon, and I've worked on a few poofies, but mainly what have I done? I've played on Facebook and taken a nap.
It's a lazy day...
But, my mom and dad came to the rescue, and drove for 7 hours to pick us up and take us back with them. The drive they made normally only takes 2 hours round trip. I had a HORRIBLE headache by the time we got there, and after we opened presents, we made our announcement. It was special.
This year...the blizzard has us at home, snowed in, doing not much of anything. I should be working on poofies for my quilt and for potholders, working on the recipe book, so we can raise more money, but I'm being lazy and not really doing anything. It's noon, and I've worked on a few poofies, but mainly what have I done? I've played on Facebook and taken a nap.
It's a lazy day...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Recipe Submissions
Hello! First of all, I want to take the time to thank you for helping us on our journey to becoming parents. Each recipe submission and recipe book purchase helps put us one step closer to our goal.
After 4 years of infertility, we are no strangers to heartbreak. We have experienced 2 early miscarriages in 2008 and the loss of our precious daughter Bailey at 23 weeks on April 30, 2010. But, we have never given up hope. Our dream has not changed, but we have decided to take a different path and pursue adoption.
This recipe book will be created using recipes submitted by you. You can submit one or ten recipes if you want. You can tell me why you chose the recipe. Was it a comfort food? Did you crave it during your pregnancy? Is it just something you love? I ask that you give detailed instructions for each recipe you send. I will give each person credit for their recipe. I also plan on putting a page (or pages) dedicated in the memory of our babies, with their names listed. Throughout the book will be resources, facts, and ways to memorialize your baby’s name. If there is something you would like to see in this recipe book, please let me know your suggestion, and I will see if it is something I can make happen.
Please complete the template at the end of this letter and e-mail all recipes to danae.southerland@gmail.com by February 10, 2010.
Once this is completed, I will take orders for recipe books and will get them printed and shipped. I hope to keep costs low (it will not be fancy by any means) and sell the recipe books for $10-$15 (prices are NOT set…this is just an idea).
Thank you for your support and helping us get to our dream!
With Love,
Danae
Name:
Location (optional):
Baby’s Name and Birthdate:
Blog address (optional):
Fact regarding loss or infertility (optional):
Recipe Name:
Recipe Instructions (Be specific):
After 4 years of infertility, we are no strangers to heartbreak. We have experienced 2 early miscarriages in 2008 and the loss of our precious daughter Bailey at 23 weeks on April 30, 2010. But, we have never given up hope. Our dream has not changed, but we have decided to take a different path and pursue adoption.
This recipe book will be created using recipes submitted by you. You can submit one or ten recipes if you want. You can tell me why you chose the recipe. Was it a comfort food? Did you crave it during your pregnancy? Is it just something you love? I ask that you give detailed instructions for each recipe you send. I will give each person credit for their recipe. I also plan on putting a page (or pages) dedicated in the memory of our babies, with their names listed. Throughout the book will be resources, facts, and ways to memorialize your baby’s name. If there is something you would like to see in this recipe book, please let me know your suggestion, and I will see if it is something I can make happen.
Please complete the template at the end of this letter and e-mail all recipes to danae.southerland@gmail.com by February 10, 2010.
Once this is completed, I will take orders for recipe books and will get them printed and shipped. I hope to keep costs low (it will not be fancy by any means) and sell the recipe books for $10-$15 (prices are NOT set…this is just an idea).
Thank you for your support and helping us get to our dream!
With Love,
Danae
Recipe Submission
Name:
Location (optional):
Baby’s Name and Birthdate:
Blog address (optional):
Fact regarding loss or infertility (optional):
Recipe Name:
Recipe Instructions (Be specific):
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Recipe Book Fundraiser?
For those of you on Facebook, I've already bombarded you with a message for your opinion on me putting together a recipe book with recipes from those in "our" community. I belong to a couple of communities, so my goal is for it to encompass both major communities to which I belong, the community of loss, and the community of infertility.
For those of you who aren't on Facebook (or at least not friends with me), please read on, and let me know your thoughts.
For a fundraiser to help us raise money for the adoption, my cousin recommended putting together a recipe book with recipes supplies by those of us who are in this exclusive club (that none of us want to belong to). My goal is to put the recipes in there (giving each person credit for the recipe(s) they submit), facts and information about loss and infertility, resources, and information about how to memorialize your baby's name. I also thought about doing a page with a dedication to all baby's names and possibly blogs (if someone wants their blog mentioned in there).
Would this be something you would be interested in contributing to and/or purchasing? Please let me know any thoughts or suggestions you might have!
I appreciate everything you all have done for me as we travel on this journey! I love you all!
For those of you who aren't on Facebook (or at least not friends with me), please read on, and let me know your thoughts.
For a fundraiser to help us raise money for the adoption, my cousin recommended putting together a recipe book with recipes supplies by those of us who are in this exclusive club (that none of us want to belong to). My goal is to put the recipes in there (giving each person credit for the recipe(s) they submit), facts and information about loss and infertility, resources, and information about how to memorialize your baby's name. I also thought about doing a page with a dedication to all baby's names and possibly blogs (if someone wants their blog mentioned in there).
Would this be something you would be interested in contributing to and/or purchasing? Please let me know any thoughts or suggestions you might have!
I appreciate everything you all have done for me as we travel on this journey! I love you all!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Adoption Update
First off - I will post that I understand if you don't want to read about us going through the adoption process. This blog was always intended to be our journey through parenthood, and when Bailey died, it more became her space. So, question to my followers...should I leave this as Bailey's space, and start a new one for our future children? Or continue with the original plan of it being for "Our Jouney to Bailey and Beyond"?
Adoption Update:
We are in "full-steam ahead" mode with the adoption process. We have actually made another big decision. We have decided we are going to pursue international adoption and adopt from Korea. I am half-Korean, with my mom being full blood Korean. We should get our referral quicker since I am of Korean heritage. We receive the referral about 3-6 months after we complete our applications, and once we accept our referral, we have to wait on travel. Travel wait time is estimated at 8-12 months. We will travel to Seoul, South Korea for about a week and when we come home, our baby will be 14-18 months old. I am excited about the travel, because I think my parents will go with us, which will be something special for my mom, because she was born in Seoul, and hasn't been back since she was adopted at 6 years old.
One of Korea's stipulations with adopting is you cannot be more than 30% overweight. For the first time in years, I qualify and meet this criteria. Adam however does not...but not by much. So, we are on Operation: Lose the Weight!. Adam has about 10 pounds he needs to lose before we can even apply with this organization.
The agency requires the following though (and I am not 100% sure if it's the agency or the Korea program): We can't be pursuing infertility treatment and actually recommend preventing, because if I get pregnant our adoption will be put on hold. The other is we can't be pursuing adoption through another agency.
We can do it though...after 4 years of infertility and 3 1/2 years of infertility treatments...maybe it's time for a small break and see where this road takes us?
Adoption Update:
We are in "full-steam ahead" mode with the adoption process. We have actually made another big decision. We have decided we are going to pursue international adoption and adopt from Korea. I am half-Korean, with my mom being full blood Korean. We should get our referral quicker since I am of Korean heritage. We receive the referral about 3-6 months after we complete our applications, and once we accept our referral, we have to wait on travel. Travel wait time is estimated at 8-12 months. We will travel to Seoul, South Korea for about a week and when we come home, our baby will be 14-18 months old. I am excited about the travel, because I think my parents will go with us, which will be something special for my mom, because she was born in Seoul, and hasn't been back since she was adopted at 6 years old.
One of Korea's stipulations with adopting is you cannot be more than 30% overweight. For the first time in years, I qualify and meet this criteria. Adam however does not...but not by much. So, we are on Operation: Lose the Weight!. Adam has about 10 pounds he needs to lose before we can even apply with this organization.
The agency requires the following though (and I am not 100% sure if it's the agency or the Korea program): We can't be pursuing infertility treatment and actually recommend preventing, because if I get pregnant our adoption will be put on hold. The other is we can't be pursuing adoption through another agency.
We can do it though...after 4 years of infertility and 3 1/2 years of infertility treatments...maybe it's time for a small break and see where this road takes us?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year
It's a new year...This time last year, I was so excited because we were expecting our little Bailey. The weather was horrible and it was miserable...but I didn't care. This morning, we woke up to finding out Adam's grandmother has had a stroke, and his uncle has been diagnosed with throat cancer. I didn't sleep well last night, and today my emotions were all over the place. I started of the morning just crying because I didn't know what else to do. Why was I crying? No clue.
This year, I am starting off the year by finding things that we don't need and we don't use, and I am listing it for sale. Adam's car is close to paid off, and we are trying to figure out how we are going to fund the adoption without going so far in debt that we can't see straight. But, we are willing to do that, if it's what it takes.
We are cleaning and cleaning, because we need to get everything ready for when we do our homestudy. We want to make sure it's all just perfect. I know they aren't coming in here to nit-pick our lives and our home, but something about this makes me want to make sure it's just right.
So, the decluttering begins...I feel like I did when we started packing our lives away in 2009 so we could sell our house. We wanted to sell our house and buy a bigger house so we could have plenty of room for our family. Now, I am wanting to sell our things so we can have plenty of room and a little less stress.
Kind of ironic, huh?
This is just a rambling post today...it fits my mood on the first day of 2011...a big jumbled mess.
This year, I am starting off the year by finding things that we don't need and we don't use, and I am listing it for sale. Adam's car is close to paid off, and we are trying to figure out how we are going to fund the adoption without going so far in debt that we can't see straight. But, we are willing to do that, if it's what it takes.
We are cleaning and cleaning, because we need to get everything ready for when we do our homestudy. We want to make sure it's all just perfect. I know they aren't coming in here to nit-pick our lives and our home, but something about this makes me want to make sure it's just right.
So, the decluttering begins...I feel like I did when we started packing our lives away in 2009 so we could sell our house. We wanted to sell our house and buy a bigger house so we could have plenty of room for our family. Now, I am wanting to sell our things so we can have plenty of room and a little less stress.
Kind of ironic, huh?
This is just a rambling post today...it fits my mood on the first day of 2011...a big jumbled mess.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The Holidays and 8 months
My dearest sweet girl,
I haven't gotten a chance to write to you in a while and mommy is sorry. I know that you know that I think about you every day and I miss you so much. This month has been so hard because it's not the way it was "supposed" to be.
This year, the holidays were supposed to be so much different. You and Desiree were supposed to get to open gifts together and play at grammy and grandpa's house. You would have had the cutest little Christmas outfit. We would have gotten your pictures done and had family pictures made and sent out cards to all our friends and family. Mommy and Daddy would have decorated the house. We know you wouldn't remember any of it, but we would have done it anyways. But, instead, the only decoration we put up was the pink tree we bought for you. Because it just didn't feel right to put anything else up. We didn't send out any cards...I tried to write cards to all your friend's mommies, and I couldn't even find the energy to do that. The closer it got to Christmas, the worse I felt.
We went to visit you on Christmas morning. Your daddy and I got up early and we went and watched the sun rise from the cemetery. So, instead of finding out what Santa brought you and smiling and laughing, we sat in the car until about 5 minutes before "sunrise" and then we stood in the freezing winds at your grave and brought in Christmas morning with you and cried. But it was our first Christmas as a family and we couldn't leave you out. Just as daddy couldn't leave you out of buying a Christmas gift for mommy. You'll always be a part of us.
Yesterday was your 8 month angelversary. I said and did the "right" things yesterday, but I was sad. It's mind blowing to know you have been gone for 8 months. We are 2/3 of the way through the first year.
Today is the last day of 2010 and sweetheart, I am so ready for it to go. This year started off as the best year. We were pregnant with you, you were so tiny on that ultrasound screen, but on 1/3/10 we heard your heartbeat for the first time and we were so excited! On 4/2/10, we found out you were a girl and we were even more excited! But, on April 30, this year quickly turned from being the best year to the worst year. You were born that day, and althought you stayed with us for a blissful 54 minutes, it just wasn't long enough. I wanted you here for my lifetime. I'm selfish, baby and I wanted you with me.
Mommy and Daddy have made an important decision to end the year of heartache. We have decided we are going to adopt, so hopefully you will have a new brother or sister soon! They will know all about you, because you are a tremendous part of our journey to making this decision. I hope that you understand our decision. We are not trying to replace you, because you will never be replaceable.
I love you sweet, sweet girl, and I miss you.
Love,
Mommy
I haven't gotten a chance to write to you in a while and mommy is sorry. I know that you know that I think about you every day and I miss you so much. This month has been so hard because it's not the way it was "supposed" to be.
This year, the holidays were supposed to be so much different. You and Desiree were supposed to get to open gifts together and play at grammy and grandpa's house. You would have had the cutest little Christmas outfit. We would have gotten your pictures done and had family pictures made and sent out cards to all our friends and family. Mommy and Daddy would have decorated the house. We know you wouldn't remember any of it, but we would have done it anyways. But, instead, the only decoration we put up was the pink tree we bought for you. Because it just didn't feel right to put anything else up. We didn't send out any cards...I tried to write cards to all your friend's mommies, and I couldn't even find the energy to do that. The closer it got to Christmas, the worse I felt.
We went to visit you on Christmas morning. Your daddy and I got up early and we went and watched the sun rise from the cemetery. So, instead of finding out what Santa brought you and smiling and laughing, we sat in the car until about 5 minutes before "sunrise" and then we stood in the freezing winds at your grave and brought in Christmas morning with you and cried. But it was our first Christmas as a family and we couldn't leave you out. Just as daddy couldn't leave you out of buying a Christmas gift for mommy. You'll always be a part of us.
Yesterday was your 8 month angelversary. I said and did the "right" things yesterday, but I was sad. It's mind blowing to know you have been gone for 8 months. We are 2/3 of the way through the first year.
Today is the last day of 2010 and sweetheart, I am so ready for it to go. This year started off as the best year. We were pregnant with you, you were so tiny on that ultrasound screen, but on 1/3/10 we heard your heartbeat for the first time and we were so excited! On 4/2/10, we found out you were a girl and we were even more excited! But, on April 30, this year quickly turned from being the best year to the worst year. You were born that day, and althought you stayed with us for a blissful 54 minutes, it just wasn't long enough. I wanted you here for my lifetime. I'm selfish, baby and I wanted you with me.
Mommy and Daddy have made an important decision to end the year of heartache. We have decided we are going to adopt, so hopefully you will have a new brother or sister soon! They will know all about you, because you are a tremendous part of our journey to making this decision. I hope that you understand our decision. We are not trying to replace you, because you will never be replaceable.
I love you sweet, sweet girl, and I miss you.
Love,
Mommy
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