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Saturday, June 19, 2010


It hasn't been a good day. The closer and closer it gets to Father's Day, the worse and worse I feel. I'm glad Adam has been busy today, because I hate when I have days like this. I know they are expected, but they are still hard.

Today, I feel like a failure. I feel like one of the things I'm supposed to be able to do in this life is to keep my child safe, and my body couldn't even handle that. I feel like my body failed me, and with that failure, ultimately I feel like I have failed.

I have thought about Father's Day...ALOT. What most people don't know is I found out about my 2nd pregnancy on Father's Day 2008, and then I miscarried 2 weeks later. Then, I felt like I had failed. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I was being punished...I know this is not true, but that's how I felt. And now, Father's Day 2010, when we should be happily expecting Bailey, my body failed me again, and now she is gone.

I've felt like I failed my husband...I've failed my family...I've failed everyone I love. In four years of trying so desperately to start a family of our own, it hasn't happened, and it's mainly because of issues with me. MY body is the one has infertility issues, MY body is the one who had a uterine septum (yes...physically impossible for Adam to have that), MY body is the one who had 2 early miscarriages before we realized what was causing them, MY body is the one that couldn't safely hold Bailey for 40 weeks even though she was a healthy, beautiful, little girl.

Because my body failed, we have experienced this horrible heartache, our families have had to experience this horrible heartache...and nothing will ever be the same.


Violet1122 said...

Oh Danae!

I'm sorry today has been such a terrible one for you. Father's Day can bring up extra emotions anyways, and I can see why your history can make it seem even more painful.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling a failure. I'm here to tell you it's simply not true. You are not a failure. I also want to say how sorry I am about your miscarriages and the loss of Bailey. It isn't fair at all, and they should have never happened to you.

I wish I could make your day a better one. Please know I'm here, thinking of you and praying for you.

Julie said...

i feel this way, too. i hope you have had some better days since this post.