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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day Tears

I didn't make it through yesterday without bawling to Adam...I was hoping I would. All my "failure" emotions were so built up, that it just erupted last night.

So this morning, I woke up with huge, swollen eyes, a horrible headache, and an incredible sadness in my heart.

I think Father's Day is just as hard for us mothers as it is for the fathers. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT discrediting their feelings any, or discrediting how difficult this journey is for them. But, I do honestly think it is just as hard on us as it is for them.

As a friend put on her blog, her husband doesn't feel like a father, because they too, like Adam and I lost their first born. So, with no living children here to celebrate this day, it makes it hard. But, to see our husbands be so sad on this day, is just like re-opening the wound that still exists and (for many like us) is so fresh and raw still, that it makes us hurt. The male is typically the "strong" one, and to see this kind of vulnerability is so incredibly difficult.

My husband is not the type to show emotion outright. But last night, as I was talking to him, and reminded him of Father's Day, and of the plans to go and visit Bailey's resting place, I could hear the sadness in his voice. I could hear the quiet tone he had, and I could feel him go off in thought. And amidst all the feelings I already had throughout the day, it broke my heart and the tears fell.

And as the tears fell for me and my husband, and our loss of our precious Bailey, I began thinking about all the friends I have made because of this horrible journey, and I thought of their stories, and the tears fell even more, because I have a glimpse of understanding of how they are feeling.

And I don't wish this kind of pain upon anyone.


Kristin said...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough couple of days. Father's Day has been pretty tough for Andy and I too. Just another reminder of what should have been. Hoping tomorrow is a better day. Xo

Anonymous said...

Hi. I just found your blog. I lost my daughter April 6th of this year at 25 weeks/2 days. Yesterday was a tough one. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just not fair. No one should ever have to experience what we have gone through or continue to go through. Here's hoping we all have a better today and tomorrow.
--Kerry (

Violet1122 said...

I'm sorry Father's Day was so sad for both of you. Holidays really are a punch in the gut sometimes. There is no way to prepare for how you will feel, at least in my experience.

I know what you mean about watching our usually "strong" husbands grieve. It breaks my heart.

I hope today was a better day - wishing you peace.