The Holidays and 8 months

My dearest sweet girl,

I haven't gotten a chance to write to you in a while and mommy is sorry.  I know that you know that I think about you every day and I miss you so much.  This month has been so hard because it's not the way it was "supposed" to be.

This year, the holidays were supposed to be so much different.  You and Desiree were supposed to get to open gifts together and play at grammy and grandpa's house.  You would have had the cutest little Christmas outfit.  We would have gotten your pictures done and had family pictures made and sent out cards to all our friends and family.  Mommy and Daddy would have decorated the house.  We know you wouldn't remember any of it, but we would have done it anyways.  But, instead, the only decoration we put up was the pink tree we bought for you.  Because it just didn't feel right to put anything else up.  We didn't send out any cards...I tried to write cards to all your friend's mommies, and I couldn't even find the energy to do that.  The closer it got to Christmas, the worse I felt.

We went to visit you on Christmas morning.  Your daddy and I got up early and we went and watched the sun rise from the cemetery.  So, instead of finding out what Santa brought you and smiling and laughing, we sat in the car until about 5 minutes before "sunrise" and then we stood in the freezing winds at your grave and brought in Christmas morning with you and cried.  But it was our first Christmas as a family and we couldn't leave you out.  Just as daddy couldn't leave you out of buying a Christmas gift for mommy.  You'll always be a part of us. 

Yesterday was your 8 month angelversary.  I said and did the "right" things yesterday, but I was sad.  It's mind blowing to know you have been gone for 8 months.  We are 2/3 of the way through the first year.

Today is the last day of 2010 and sweetheart, I am so ready for it to go.  This year started off as the best year.  We were pregnant with you, you were so tiny on that ultrasound screen, but on 1/3/10 we heard your heartbeat for the first time and we were so excited!   On 4/2/10, we found out you were a girl and we were even more excited!  But, on April 30, this year quickly turned from being the best year to the worst year.  You were born that day, and althought you stayed with us for a blissful 54 minutes, it just wasn't long enough.  I wanted you here for my lifetime.  I'm selfish, baby and I wanted you with me. 

Mommy and Daddy have made an important decision to end the year of heartache.  We have decided we are going to adopt, so hopefully you will have a new brother or sister soon!  They will know all about you, because you are a tremendous part of our journey to making this decision.  I hope that you understand our decision.  We are not trying to replace you, because you will never be replaceable.

I love you sweet, sweet girl, and I miss you.

Love,
Mommy

To Mom, Love Bailey and Dad

My husband and I have had our different ways of dealing with Christmas.  Me, I'm really not dealing with it this week.  Prior to this week, I dealt with it by spending hours in the gym.  My body revolted last week, so I haven't spent much time in the gym since then.  Him, he took the week off so he could ponder on how to make it as special as possible and how to incorporate Bailey into this holiday that just isn't that great for us this year.  Yesterday, while I was at work, he went shopping and when I got home last night, he told me I HAD to open my gift then, and I HAD to start with the card first.  Here is the card:

I cried...Let's face it...Adam isn't the most sentimental guy in the world, but every now and then, he does something as sweet and loving as this.  He still knows how to get to me.  Him and Bailey got me a necklace that has pink and diamond stones on it.  I have one exactly like it already, but he knew she would like it, and he knew I would like it.  I love it.  But, to end the night, he told me also posted his first personal entry on his blog.  This is what he wrote:

After Thanksgiving both my wife and I began to have sleeping difficulties. After a week or two I came to the conclusion that I was having problems sleeping because I needed to deal with something. That something I believe is the fact that my daughter is no longer here and it’s Christmas.

I’ve been thinking of how and what to do for Christmas since Bailey isn’t here. My wife and I have already decided that we aren’t decorating so we don’t have a tree or any lights outside the house. Something is missing and we don’t know how to fill the void. My first thought was to buy Bailey a toy but there is no logical reason to do so. But then…

This past week I figured out what I can do… If Bailey were here we would go Christmas shopping for Danae and she would pick out something for her. Because she couldn’t make it, I decided to go and pick something out as if she were there to help.

I went to Zales and picked out a nice necklace that has a heart that is part pink as I think Bailey would like pink. After that Bailey needed a card to go with it; after all it is her first Christmas. So we went over to Hallmark and began looking for cards… After looking at several cards and watery eyes I found just the right one.

I spent all of my available money on this one gift so let’s hope I did a good thing for Bailey.

Christmas 2010 is nothing like we planned, but thanks to my loving husband and the love he has for our daughter, it's a little more special now than what it was.

One Year Ago

One year ago today, my Dr. confirmed my 3rd pregnancy with a blood test.  I had already gotten 2 positive HPTs...this was just my confirmation.  I remember sitting at Louie's with Taura eating lunch when Beverly called to tell me the good news.  My numbers were great and it was my first pregnancy since my surgery in September 2008.  I was very nervous and very anxious, because this was like THE test...did my surgery work?  We sure were going to find out!  At 6 weeks and 1 day, we went to the Dr. and we heard and saw the best thing in the world...there was a heartbeat!  I couldn't believe it!  I was astonished, hopeful, and yet fearful all at the same time!  This marked something we had never experienced before!

Who knew that 17 short weeks after that joyous moment, we would be experiencing my the most devastating and heartbreaking of moments? 

But one year ago today I was happy, life was good, and all was right in my world.  It's hard to believe a year from that one moment has gone by...

Obsessed much?

I've done a similar post on my obsessions before, but this is more about my new one as of recent.

I am an obsessive person.  When I think of something or get hooked on something, that's it...I won't think of anything else.  Trying to conceive (ttc) and our infertility has overpowered my life for so many years, and it still continues to consume many of my thoughts every day.  Losing weight has has been obsession of mine for over a year now.  It took a 5-6 month sabbatical because of our beautiful Bailey, but it came back with a vengeance.

My newest obsession?  Our plan to pay off our debt.  I found an application for the iPhone based on the Dave Ramsey's "Snowball Effect" and I input all of our debt in.  And I figured it out, and we will be debt free, with the exception of our house, in 2 years.  That's all cars paid off, our credit card that we have balanced transferred and paid $100/month on for 5 years, my mom, and the hospital...and the whole idea of EVERYTHING being paid off is feeling awesome!  I've wiped our savings down to what I deem bare minimum and every extra penny we have is going towards the plan. 

Adam is on board for all of this, and we are pretty excited that once we pay everything off, we will be able to save a good chunk of money.  We plan to contribute to IRA's for retirement, and to pay cash for our next vehicles we buy.  I want to have LASIK eye surgery done, and that's the first thing on the list once we pay everything off.  We have a plan though, and right now I am obsessed with making sure we follow through with it!

Eventually, God willing, when we have more kids, I would like to be able to either work part time or be a stay-at-home mom for a little while.  Adam doesn't know that plan, but we'll see if he buys it when that time comes.  ;)

Behind on Names

If you have requested a name, I promise I have not forgotten about them.  I am behind right now, and am trying to work on them when I can.  I am going to be out of town this weekend, so please be patient and I will get to them as soon as possible!

6 months

Dear favorite little girl of mine,
Where have the past 6 months gone?  I can hardly fathom that it has been a half of a year since we held you in our arms for the first and last time.  It's been half a year since we heard those awful words "I'm sorry...she didn't make it".  There have been lots of tears, lots of heartache, but there are starting to be more smiles and laughter.  Some days, it feels like the last 1/2 a year has been creeping along and other days it feels like it has flown by.

But, baby girl, in half a year, your mommy has grown to be a better person, and I know it's because of you. 

Today, on your 6 month angelversary, I did something I haven't ever done.  I RAN my first 5K (3.1 miles) nonstop on the treadmill at the gym this morning.  I thought of you the entire time.  Every time I wanted to give up, I thought of you, and thought of how I wanted to reach this milestone on a day that is special, and I kept at it.  I know you were cheering me on...I could feel it.  And I know you are proud of me...I can feel that too.  And sweet little girl, mommy is proud of herself for once too. 

I've been working hard to keep the promise I made to you.  I'm still working on my weight loss and working on getting into shape so I can be an active, fun mom.  Running that 5K this morning shows some of my hard work.  The 61 pounds I have lost shows the other part of it.  I'm trying so hard to live my life better so your siblings can have a better mommy...and it's all because of you.

I love you so much my precious little girl and I miss you so much. 

Loving you always,
Mommy

Need your help!

My dearest sisters,

There is a new mom who has joined this horrible journey that we all traveling.  She lost her son at 13 weeks, and she has been looking for someplace that does something like a "Certificate of Life" or anything that acknowledges her son's presence, even if the time was brief.

Have any of you found something like that?  If so, could you send me the information so I can get it to her?

Your help is always appreciated!

Much love to you all,
Danae

P.S.  Sorry I haven't been around much still...I've been on a huge reading kick, and we've been watching a TON of NCIS...I'm soooooo hooked!

Accomplished

I was in the shower, having a pity party for myself the other morning, and having a "Why Me?" day.  I was thinking of accomplishments and things I have done in my short 27 years.

I was a straight A student all the way through high school.  I graduated as one of four valedictorians (probably spelled wrong) in my graduating class.

I have been part of the employed people since turning 16.  I worked full time during high school and college.  I even worked 2 jobs after getting married, just for extra income to put back for savings.

I was the first grandchild on my dad's side to go to college, and graduate. 

I am married to a fantastic and wonderful man, who I love with all my heart and soul.

I have a good job that I enjoy on most days.

I have friends who care about me and are there for me.

But, why can't I be a mom?  Why can't I have a baby who gets to live and gets to stay with me?  Why?  Why has this journey been soooooo incredibly long and soooooo incredibly painful?  Why does something that should be so easy, have to be so hard?  And why does it happen to good people?  I'm not perfect, and I know that, and I know no one is, but all of you I have met on this journey are so special in your own way, and each of your stories have touched my heart, and I always wonder, why us?

Just was having one of those days.  Thank goodness today wasn't it, but I wasn't in a place I could write this when I was feeling it.

Pity party, party of one, has taken place and is over.  Sorry to be Debbie Downer tonight.

23 weeks

Today is one of those days.  To be completely honest, I haven't thought about the number of weeks it's been that Bailey's been gone since after week 8.  It was easier to keep up with the months, and the weeks just kept slipping by. 

But this morning was different.  On my way to work, I started thinking about the weeks.  And when I counted the weeks, I figured out that it has been 23 weeks since Bailey was born, and she died.  Today is the day that she has been gone just as long as she was here with us.

It's an incredibly weird feeling to hit this mark.  And it's also an incredibly empty feeling. 

Why did I think about this today?  Mother's intuition I guess.  And I have to admit, this kind of intuition sucks majorly.  I want the normal mommy intuition.

Changing of Seasons

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope has posed a monthly writing challenge.  September's topic:  How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?

I am happy to be going through these seasonal changes right now.  Spring and Fall are my favorite times of the year.  Summer is too hot and winter is too cold.  But, Spring and Summer?  They are just right!

I love Fall...it's the start of sweater weather. The leaves change colors.  It's beautiful.  It means cooler weather.  And in true Oklahoma spirit, it means the start of football season!!!  Boomer Sooner!



Here in Oklahoma, it's been hot, up until yesterday.  On September 18th, sitting in Oklahoma Memorial Stadium for the OU vs. Air Force game, the temp was in the mid 90's.  I was sweating profusely, and felt exceptionally gross.  Yesterday, a wonderful cold front rolled though, and the high for today?  Mid 70's! 

This year though, Fall doesn't have the same meaning it always has held with me.  This Fall was supposed to be entirely different.  It was supposed to mean a brand new life...a new addition to our family.  I was looking forward to dressing Bailey up in an adorable little OU cheerleading outfit.  I was looking forward to coordinating a Halloween costume for her, Desiree, and Desmond.  I was looking foward to giving up going to 1-2 football games this year.  But, you know the old saying..."The best laid plans of mice and men...often go awry". 

Even though nothing is how it was "supposed" to be, the change of the season has been good for me.  It's a new season of hope.  I have hope that Fall this year, will be good to us, just as Fall last year was.  It was during the Fall we discovered we were pregnant with Bailey.  It was the Spring that was cruel to us and during that season, she was taken away.  But Fall, we're still on good terms...for now.  I just hope that Fall this year gives us the opportunity to make Bailey the big sister we dream of her being. 

I have made leaps and bounds in the transition from Summer to Fall.  I am feeling better.  I am genuinely laughing and smiling.  I can speak of Bailey and smile at the precious little girl we got to hold only so briefly, but who made the biggest impace on our lives.  Although, I dearly wish she were here with us, I have comfort knowing she is always watching over us.  She's got our backs.

I hope the changing of seasons has been just as good to the rest of you, as it has been to me.  In my season of hope, that's my hope for each of you.  And I hope we all have a little rainbow in the horizon.

Missing Her But Doing Okay

I haven't posted much, because I haven't had much to say.  Frustration and jealousy about got the best of me last week. 

But, even amongst all the emotions, I'm doing okay.  It's been a couple of weeks since I have had a full-out snotty nose, sobbing, meltdown.  And though I fully expect it to come back and hit me any day, I'm learning to enjoy the time that I am feeling better.

Don't get me wrong...I still miss Bailey...horribly.  But, my life has found a little bit of a "normal", or maybe I'm just doing a really good job of preoccupying myself.  I guess spending hours in front of the t.v. watching House M.D. or NCIS does a good job of keeping me preoccupied.

And I FINALLY have started reading again!  Nothing serious.  In fact, I can't bring myself to read anymore books about loss.  I can read my BLM-sister's blogs, but I can't bring myself to read a book.  So, what have I occupied my time with?  The 16th book in the Stephanie Plum series, The Help, and I just finished book 1 of the Sookie Stackhouse series.  I however, still cannot bring myself to finish Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which is what I was reading before Bailey died.  I've read the entire Harry Potter series, but wanted to re-read it.  Since everything happened, I just can't do it.

I made a big leap and bound in progress today.  A friend from work, who was due 2 weeks after I was, brought her son in so I could meet him.  He was 8-9 weeks premature, and is still so tiny!  Desmond weighs more than he does!  I held him, and just spent the time enjoying him.  Even though it reminds me of what I should have, it's completely different.  I think mainly I was okay, because he is a boy.  I'm not ready to handle the thought of holding a girl.

I'm rambling...There's really no point to my post today, but I wanted to let everyone know who is out there, and perhaps wonders where I am, don't worry, I am here, and I am okay.  If you need me, I am always just an e-mail away...it might take me forever to respond (just ask Allison), but I am here.  I am thinking of you all and all of your little ones. 

Coming soon...the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope monthly writing challenge.  I need to think on that one, but I hope to have it posted by the weekend.

Been Away

I've been on vacation from the internet for a couple of weeks.  I have been on here a very minimal amount, so I am VERY far behind on reading blogs and responding to e-mail.  I haven't been on Facebook but a few times.  I'm trying to get caught up, but it will take me a while.

I haven't been in the greatest of places.  The overwhelming sadness has taken over some days.  My brother and his wife just had their little girl, Danielle (who is adorable, by the way), but my heart isn't ready for it yet.  The evil, green, jealous monster came out in me...and that monster still hasn't completely crawled back in it's hole yet.  I have spent many days asking God what I have done that was so bad that he had to take my baby.  I know it's not logical, and I did nothing wrong, but this past week I've needed someone to blame, and in my head, the only person I can blame is me right now.

I want you all to know I think of you, your families, and your angels daily.  You all are never far from my mind and my heart.  Thank you for reading and the comments, because they always help, because I know that most people who follow know the deep, dark place I've been in...we don't like it, but we've all been there.

4 Months

My dear sweet little girl,

Mommy is a day late on writing a letter to you for 4 month angelversary.  I didn't forget my sweet little girl, I've just been busy.  Instead of being busy loving on you and watching all the cute adorable things you should be doing, I've been busy doing things for you.  We planned your due date day, watched it come and go, and mommy has been thinking what I'm going to do with your scrapbook.  I'm still terrified of starting (more like terrified of finishing) it, but I can at least think about the planning stages.

Since last month, we entered into the last month of the "I should be pregnant" stage.  I watched as your due date crept up on us.  It got closer and closer.  We thought of things we were going to do in remembrance of you.  We spent your due date day doing things for you.  I know you spent it with us, because the memory of you is with us no matter where we go.  But, sweet girl, I wish you could be here.

Mommy and Daddy have started the process to try to make you a big sister.  We don't know how that's going yet, and we still don't know if it will happen, but we have hope.  Would you put the bug in God's ear that you need a brother or a sister?

I miss you so much.  It just doesn't seem fair that to be "with" you, we have to go to a cemetery.  But, that's the reality.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much, and will always love you.  I hope you are playing happily with your friends in heaven, and not causing too much mischief.

Loving and missing you always,
Mommy

Bailey's Day

Friday, August 27th was what should have been Bailey's due date.  In remembrance of the beautiful little girl who was taken far too soon from us, we spent the day doing things for her. 

We started off our day by Adam giving Desmond a bath since he was going with us...he wasn't happy about it.

Before we left the house, we each ate one of the pink cupcakes Adam brought home, especially for that day.  They were very delicious!  I was so surprised when I got home on Thursday night and saw these.  He bought 6 of them, and had them made especially for Bailey's day.  By Saturday afternoon, they were all

gone.

We went to Bailey's resting place and put out new flowers.  Adam wanted to put out pink and purple ones, so we found these at Hobby Lobby.  I wanted to added the pink and purple butterflies.  The pink flowers in middle are the ones we put out on Memorial Day.  They still looked nice, so we just moved them to the middle.  We pulled a few weeds that were growing rather unruly on her grave.  The moment that made us laugh while we were there...Desmond decided he needed to go poop, then Adam, not paying attention, stepped in it.  So, we had to make a detour and stop at my parent's house so he could wash his shoe.

We went to Sulphur to the Chickasaw Recreational Park.  It's been years since either one of us went there.  Adam thought it would be nice to go, because it would have been a place we would have taken Bailey.  We would have taken her in her stroller, walked the trails and packed a picnic lunch.  So, we did just that...the one that was missing was her. 

We started out at the Nature Center. Adam went inside to get a list of the trails. Desmond greeted everyone who came out, and got lovings from just about everyone.

 

Adam is severely allergic to Poison Ivy. I am allergic to it too, but (knock on wood) I haven't had it in the 11 years we have been together. So, when we saw this sign, Adam made me take a picture of it. At the same time, in my head, I wondered if Poison Ivy would have been something we would have to worry about with Bailey. Would she have been allergic to it just as bad as her Daddy?

 

Potty break time...yes, I know you are wondering why I have a picture of the Women's bathroom door. I have an irrational fear of porta-potties and holes in the ground. And I almost did NOT go into this bathroom because I was terrified of what I would find when I got in there. Fortunately, it was a regular bathroom.

I took lots and lots of pictures of the scenery.

This beautiful butterfly was on this bush when we drove by it the first time. The bush is right by a bridge that has water that flows over it. I tried to take a picture, but someone pulled up behind us. When we went back later, this butterfly was still there, so I was able to get a picture. The blues on it's wings were beautiful, and it was a pretty good size butterfly. When we drove by this spot a third time (all hours apart), the butterfly was still there. I like to think of it as a little sign from our little butterfly.

We walked the trails.  Desmond was rather amusing on the walk...we so have a "city-dog".  He would walk really fast if he wasn't in the shade, then would slow down in the shade.  If the shade moved from the left side of the path to the right, he went right along with it.  And when he got leaves stuck in his fur, he would just lay down and roll over on his back until someone got them out.  Desmond got tired and we ended up having to turn around and go back to the car while we were on one trail. 

We stopped for a couple of photo-ops ourselves...

After we left the park, we went and picked up my niece.  We were going to go eat that evening, and Adam and I were headed to my parents, so we thought it would be nice to take Desiree over there with us.  On the way over there, she tried to slip her arm out of her car seat strap.  When I told her "no ma'am" I got the evil eye...This is so a look that my sister used to give when she was a baby.  To see Desiree give it at 15 months made me laugh.  I sure hope Bailey wouldn't have had her Aunt Sarah's attitude...

Desiree munched on some watermelon with Grandma...this child has a big mouth for someone so small!

And then took a nap on the way to go eat...

The final thing we had planned to do on Bailey's day was to go home and light a candle.  We decided to do it 2 different ways.  The one solitaire candle, we left burning all night long. 

Overall, we had a "good" day.  Everything we did, we thought of Bailey.  Even though she wasn't here with us, it was still her day.

Your Due Date

My dearest Bailey,

Today was supposed to be your due date, and today mommy isn't doing very good.  I'm so sad baby girl.  I feel so cheated of the life I was supposed to have with you. 

From the moment we found out we were expecting you, we dreamt of this day. We anticipated welcoming you into our little family, bringing you home, and watching you grow. We couldn't wait for that time to come. But, when you arrived 17 weeks too soon, on April 30, I since have dreaded this day. I knew it was going to be tough. I knew it was going to be hard. And I knew we could only spend it "with" you and for you.  So, Daddy and I took the day off of work.  It's your day baby girl, and even though we aren't doing any of the things we planned or hoped for, it's still your day.



So, today, we are doing things in remembrance of you.  We are going to go to your resting place and putting out new flowers.  We got some pink ones and some purple ones, and we even got a pink butterfly and a purple butterfly to put out there too.  I know you'll love them.

We are taking your fur-sibling (Desmond) with us, and we are going to Sulphur to have a picnic at the park, and we are also going to walk the trails.  The weather is perfect and it's something we will never get to do with you, so it's something we are going to do in remembrance of you. 

Your Daddy surprised me with pink cupcakes last night, just in your honor today.  They have cream cheese in them, and pink icing.  They are supposed to be delicious.  I cried, because I didn't expect him to do something like that.  He planned that just for you!

Tonight, when we get home, we will light a candle in your honor.  It will be to remember you and all of your angel friends. 

Baby girl, you are so loved and so missed by many.  Mommy and Daddy think of you daily, and we wish everyday that you were here with us.

Loving You and Missing You always,
Mommy

The days

Note all BLM's...I talk about my 2ww in this post.  If this will trigger you, please stop reading here, because I by no means want to make anyone upset or sad.

I HATE the 2ww.  I am 7dpo, and am overanalyzing EVERYTHING.  Face breakout makes me think no.  With all three of my other pregnancies, no face breakouts.  Cramping makes go back and forth.  Heartburn (which I rarely ever have) makes me think maybe.  Upset stomach also makes me think maybe.  Severe moodiness...haven't had that too bad since I was pregnant with Bailey...today, I was mean.  I was angry, and then 2 seconds later...I was sweet as pie.  But all of these can also come with PMS.  It's also things that come with the horrible anxiety that is building within me day after passing day, while waiting for Friday to get here. 

Friday, August 27th...the day for 23 weeks I dreamed of.  The day for the last 16 weeks and 1 day I have dreaded.

Am I allowed to just sleep for the next week?  Please?

The Week in a Nutshell

This week has had the emotional rollercoaster, heartbreak, hope, anxiety, good moments, and much, much more.

First off, let me say to all my dear baby-loss sisters out there, please keep my cousin in your thoughts.  She just had her first confirmed pregnancy this week, only to find out the same night that it was a tubal pregnancy.  She didn't have to have surgery, but did have so spend a couple of nights in the hospital.  It's been hard on her, and I hate that she "officially" is joining our elite club.  My dear cousin, if you read this, I am truly sorry, and you know I am always here for you.

August 19th was a Day of Hope.  A day to break the silence and let people know it is okay to talk about the precious lives that blessed us, even if it was for a short amount of time. 

This week, we found out we will be receiving a payment from Adam's life insurance.  The check is at the post office waiting for us to pick it up.  I am very grateful that we have life insurance, and that they will pay out on Bailey's death.  We are extremely fortunate to have this, as I know others do not.  But, there is still a part of me that is extremely sad that I have to pick up a life insurance check for daughter. 

This week, we entered the 2ww after starting fertility meds again, for the first time.  And get this...my test date is the weekend between Bailey's due date (August 27th) and her 4 month angelversary (August 30th).  God...please let this be it.  With this 2ww, I have thought alot about names for next child.  Adam and I even talked about it.  Our next child's name will begin with a "C".  If we have another girl, her middle name will be Bailey.  We want her to know why her name is special, and how she received it.

I have had horrible anxiety this week, because today, I should have been 39 weeks pregnant.  Even though Bailey's due date is not for another week, we had intended on inducing this week, if my Dr. would allow it.  But, that doesn't matter now.  She's already been born, and she died.  My calendar is a constant reminder that she was supposed to be due in one week. 

This week, I celebrated my 5 year anniversary with my place of employment.  Every 5 years, you get a bonus on your check, and you get to go to a service luncheon.  Our luncheon was at Nonna's.  The little mini-eclairs in the back...divine!  I enjoy my job and I enjoy the people I work with.  (Sorry, I can't tell you who it is, due to social networking regulations.  Anything with their name in it is found on the internet, and since this is a no-holds barred blog, I have keep that anonymity).

This was the first week of school for most of my area.  And as I watched proud mommies post pictures of their babies' first day of school, I was saddened, because this is something I will never get to experience with Bailey.  And it makes me sad.

I am so blessed in many aspects of my life.  I am grateful to have a job, have a loving family, have friends who care about me, and have my wonderful baby-loss sisters.  But, at the same time, I am hurt that this precious little girl did not get to stay.

It's an emotional week...and I predict the next one to be just as emotionally challenging.

Weight

Since losing Bailey, I have lost every single bit of my pregnancy weight, plus some.  I am actually almost 10 pounds lighter than I was when I first found out I was pregnant.  I've lost a total of 44.2 pounds since September 2009.  However, here's the problem I've ran across...

People see me, and they notice all the weight loss.  They tell me I look great.  But, then come the questions.

At my 1 week post-partum visit, I had lost 15 pounds since my previous appointment.  The nurse asked my husband if I was eating.  I had been, just not much.  Anxiety, sadness, and burying your child tends to not make you hungry.

At my 6 week post-partum visit, I had lost a good chunk more.  Again, the nurse asked if I was eating, because I had lost another significant amount of weight.  I told her I was, but I was doing Weight Watchers again. 

Now, 3 1/2 month post-partum, I am down 30+ pounds from my highest weight during pregnancy, and I STILL have people asking me if I am eating.  I am losing weight the healthy way.  I am working out, I am doing Weight Watchers, and I am finally beginning to be "okay" with my body.  I still have another 45 pounds I would love to lose, but it will be done the healthy way.

I'm focusing on my physical weight, because the emotional weight is too much to handle right now.  If I focus my sights on one thing (other than getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy), then I don't focus all day on the emotional hardship that has fallen right square in my lap.  The emotional weight is enough to carry...I don't need the physical weight too right now.  So, I will continue to work hard and strive to get healthier, and the extra physical weight can go away.  I don't want it back, unless it means there is a little bundle growing in my belly.  That's the only way I'll take it back right now.

It's Everywhere

It's everywhere.  Pregnancy, babies, loss.  It's all over the place. 

One thing that I have realized on this journey is that you can't escape it.  Pregnant women make me jealous, babies make me sad, and hearing of a loss makes me even sadder. 

I found out very quickly after my first 2 losses, that many people around me have suffered first trimester losses.  Miscarriages are more common than I realized.  After the loss of Bailey, I only have one person I know who has experienced a second trimester loss.  We work for the same company.  We are not buddies, but we know each other.  Every other person I know who has experienced 2nd or 3rd trimester losses, I have met through this journey.  They are my online sisters.

This sisterhood is strong.  When you are having a craptastic day, they are there to lift you up.  The hugs and love outpour from them.  It also flows from family and friends, and all the love is appreciated, but sometimes, just having someone who has been there say "I know it sucks, and it's not fair, but I'm here for you" is just what a person needs.

We went grocery shopping today, and I saw on the newstand a People magazine with the Duggers featured on the front, saying they are ready to have another baby.  I had seens this particular cover previously, because one of my BLM-sisters posted about it.  I couldn't fathom the thought of thinking about it at the time.  But there it was this morning...staring at me...and it made me physically ill to think about it.  Why is it that they can have 19 kids, and want a 20th one, but so many of us can't even have one?  I would give my right arm to have just ONE baby that is happy, healthy, and that I get to bring home.

I'm angry and I'm sad today.  It's one of those craptastic days...and right now, I would love to just sleep it away.

The Reunion & The Question

My darling husband...I know you have become a lurker and have been reading my blog.  Most of what I am writing here today I have not told you, but I know you understand.

Last night was my husband's 10 year reunion.  I know a few of the people he graduated with...a few of them even worked for me at McDonald's.  Others, I probably would know faces, but never actually "knew" them. 

Adam told me I could go with him to his reunion, but I opted not to go.  I was afraid.  I was afraid of what these people, ones I knew and ones I didn't, would ask.  I was TERRIFIED of the question "Do you guys have any kids?".  I was even more terrified of how Adam would answer.  I know my answer would be "A little girl in heaven", but I didn't know what his would be.

I almost asked him before we left what his answer would be if someone asked.  But, I didn't.  I was scared to.  So, I left it alone.

So, instead of going, I spent the evening with my mom, watching "The Blind Side" and worrying about if someone asked him this question and his response.

Why am I so worried about a response?  Why do I worry about how many grandchildren our parents will tell people they have?  Why do I worry about the response my mamaw will have when people ask her how many grandchildren and great-grandchildren she has?  Why am I so afraid that people are not going to "count" Bailey when they answer these questions?

I have not had someone I don't know ask me this question yet.  It's been a little over 3 months, and I still haven't had this question asked.  That probably tells all of you how much I socialize...ha!  But, even though I haven't had this question asked, I still know what my answer will be when someone does ask me that dreaded question someday.

Readers:  Have you been asked this dreaded question yet?  (I know some of you have).  Do you have a planned response?  Do you worry about the responses your loved ones will have when they are asked these questions?  Do you voice your concerns?

The ER Trip from Hell

This week has been rough to say the least.  As we embark on the ttc journey again, I have again started seeing my RE and we are back to the same regimen we used to get pregnant with Bailey.  The difference this time though is that I am already lighter than I was when we got pregnant with Bailey.  My physiology is different.  And let me tell you...after 9 months of not being on any fertility medications...my body sure as crap is not liking it right now. 

We spent Tuesday night in the emergency room, because I had pain on my right side ALL day on Tuesday, and it progressively got worse throughout the day.  I was 99.9% sure it is hyperstimulation of my ovaries, but I was concerned it might be my appendix. 

We went to Urgent Care.  They didn't have the equipment to treat me, so I was sent to the ER.  I had a Dr. at the ER (who I will from here on out refer to as Dr. F) who looked like he was 15 years old, and had horrible bedside manner.  Here's how our night went....

We arrived at the ER at 7:15'ish.  We checked in and was taken back fairly quicklike.  I get in the bed, and the nurse starts asking questions.  I tell him what's going on, and midway through going through that, in comes Dr. F.  Dr. F starts asking me the same questions.  I tell him I am hurting on the right side, I am on Femara, and I just started an antibiotic because I am having an HSG done on Thursday.  Both the nurse and the Dr. asked "What's an HSG".  I tell them "the test where they inject dye into my uterus and then take xrays".  Both of them look extrememly confused.  Eventually Dr. F figured it out.  While he starts the next set of questions, the nurse sticks me to take blood and to put the little thing in my arm that will allow them to give me medication later that makes me VERY drowsy and VERY loopy.

Dr. F proceeds to ask me if I have had any surgeries.  I answer "Yes, a c-section in April, and I had a uterine septum removed a couple of years ago".  Dr. F proceeds to ask "What did you have a c-section for?"  What went through my head was "Duh, Dr. Genious...what do you normally have a c-section for?", but I responded "to deliver my daughter.  She was born at 23 weeks".  Dr. F "23 weeks is really early, you know?"  Mental response was getting uglier with each STUPID question.  Me:  "Yes, I know that.  I went into pre-term labor and was fully dilated when I got here".  Dr. F "Why a c-section though?"  Me:  "She was transverse".  Dr. F "So, it was a girl...how is she doing?"  Adam stepped in at that point and said "She didn't make it".  Dr. F then says "Oh, well, you know there isn't a good survival rate at 23 weeks".  For real?!  I thought I was going to choke him then and there.

They did an ultrasound, and didn't find much.  It took the woman FOREVER to do the ultrasound.  I think she was in there for probably 30-45 minutes doing the ultrasound...the internal ultrasound.  They couldn't check my appendix because it requires a CT scan, and they didn't want to risk that with my cycle being where it is.  Dr. F came back in my room at about 9:45 and told me it doesn't look like hyperstimulation, so there isn't anything else he can do for me.  He tells me they are going to draw up they paperwork to discharge me.  It was an hour later before we were discharged. 

Dr. F and I did not mesh very well.  The nurse was okay...my arm STILL hurts from where he stuck me to get blood.  It was just a crappy experience overall.  I would have been okay with the 15 year old looking Dr. if he wouldn't have asked me stupid questions, or made some of the comments he made.

It was the ER trip from hell...and still found out NOTHING!

Cancel or Easy Button

I think there should be something like a generic 'Cancel' or 'Easy' button for when you have experienced a loss like this.  The button should work for things like:  Stopping the samples you get in the mail, stop the coupons, stop the catalogs, stop the e-mails, and stop the stupid advertisements that pop up EVERYWHERE, etc.  Instead, you have unsubscribe from EVERYTHING, and then still have to deal with getting crap in the mail that just makes your stomach turn.

We got the first of probably many things I have signed up for in the mail.  We got sample cans of Similac.  I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to breast feed (was pretty much leaning towards not doing it), so I signed up for Enfamil and Similac samples.  I guess I forgot to un-sign myself up for it though. 

I just need to make it through the next 25 days.  Bailey's due date is August 27th.  25 days...will it get easier after that point?  Maybe just a little bit?

3 Months Sweet Girl

Dearest Bailey,

Today is your 3 month Angelversary, my precious little one.  THREE months.  One entire quarter of the year.  In three months, we have celebrated your birth, mourned your death, celebrated mommy's 27th birthday, "celebrated" mommy's 1st Mother's Day and daddy's 1st Father's Day, made it through the first 4th of July without you, and celebrated daddy's 29th birthday.  That's alot to do in 3 months, sweet girl.  But, even with all of these things to do, they still didn't feel quite right...because they were all missing you.

My sweet daughter, I am sad that I don't know what you would be doing right now if you were still with us.  IF, in the alternate world, you survived, you would be a vibrant thriving 3 month old.  Or, would you still be baking in mommy's tummy?  If you were, I would be 36 weeks pregnant, huge as a house, and anxiously awaiting your arrival.  But, I don't live in an alternate world, I live in a world without you.  And it's a heartbreaking world.

I know you have made friends in Heaven.  I know you are playing with all of the other angel babies that were taken from their mommies and daddies far too early.  I know you are playing with Stevie, Valentina, Avery, and Charlotte.  You might even being batting your long eyelashes and giving a quirky little grin with those lips you got from mommy at Jacob, Kenny, Drew, or Blaine (or maybe even all of them).  Whoever you have met and whatever you are doing, please be good.  Please tell all of your friends (and I know you have hundreds of them), that their mommies and daddies miss them, just as much as we miss you.  Because sweet girl, we miss you all so very much.  We love you all so very much.

Sweet girl, I know you are also spending time with your great grandma, great grandpa, and great papaw.  I know they are watching over you until it is time for us to meet again.  I hope they are telling you all about me.  Your great papaw is an especially good story teller...don't let him tell you any stories about bears though!

My daughter, I now know that I was meant to meet all of these wonderful mommies and daddies, but I still wish you were here with me.  But, I know you have sent all of them to me, so we can all be there for each other in this very difficult time. 

We love you, my precious, sweet, darling daughter.  You were the light of my life.  You are deeply missed, and will be forever.  I hope you are having a good time in Heaven, and I want to hear all about it on that day we meet again. 

Love,
Mommy

Anxiety

I'm finding that I'm having anxiety about Bailey's 3 month Angelversary tomorrow.  Horrible anxiety...

Dear God...please give me the strength I need to get through tomorrow.  I'm going to need it.

Next Time

I just got finished with An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken.  I read it in one day, and it's the first book I have read since Bailey's death.  As I was reading, I noticed the things she did not do in her second pregnancy like really announce to people, find out the gender (and yes, I know people just don't do that sometimes), pick out a name, or really buy anything for the new baby.

And that got me to thinking...what is going to be different next time?  Besides the anxiety (which I had with Bailey) going up about 20 notches, and more Doctor's appointments, will anything else change?

So, here's some of the things we did, and we received while I was pregnant with Bailey...

We announced we were expecting at 6w1d...ONLY after hearing the heartbeat for the first time!

We started buying a pack of diapers EVERY time we went to the grocery store...

We bought a fetal doppler during like Week 9 or 10 so I could use at home for a little peace of mind.

I finally started filling out my Pregnancy Journal around week 10...half-heartedly...I only noted what I thought was "important".  What I didn't understand is that it's all important.

We ordered our crib around Week 13...we got it during Week 17 and put it up when we got it.

I started filling out the Baby Journal somewhere during the 2nd trimester

We picked out names early on...For a girl:  Bailey.  For a boy:  Blaine

(Yes, I know those are C names in the photo...I went a different route with this blog post than I originally intended, and now I'm just too lazy to go back to fix it.)

We found out we were having a girl at 19 weeks and announced it as soon as we found out!

My boss bought Bailey's first outfit as her way of "eating crow" because she was convinced Bailey was a boy

We bought Bailey this cute dress, then Adam's mom and dad bought it for her in the next size up

Taura bought Bailey this...this was the first girl to be born in TED (our department acronym)...everyone was excited.

Erin (former member of TED) bought this for Bailey...did I mention, we were all really excited to be buying for a girl?

Melissa bought Bailey this outfit.  Melissa and I were due within 2 weeks of each other, and went through very similar things during our pregnancy...it was bizarre.  I received this item the day I went into labor.

The carseat...I ordered this from Target a month before I went into labor, and received it a couple of days after Bailey's funeral.

So, will we do anything different next time?  

Will we announce to everyone early in our pregnancy?  Probably...ONLY after hearing a heartbeat.  I'm horrible at keeping my own secrets. 

Will we choose a nickname and have a named picked out ahead of time?  Probably...It will most definitely be a "C" name. 

Will we find out the gender?  Yes.  I'm a planner and I will have to know. 

Will we buy things?  Yes...we may wait until we get past 23 weeks though. 

Will we use clothes that were bought for Bailey if we happen to have another girl?  Probably...she never got to wear these clothes, and although they were intended for her, it doesn't make economical sense for us NOT to use them.

Things I didn't do with Bailey that I will do next time:  I will take belly photos and I will document like a crazy person. 

I can't imagine not doing many of the same things we did with Bailey for our next child.  I can't imagine not buying things, or preparing, or being excited.  Sure, there will be anxiety (and a lot of it), and worry, and doubts, but also excitement and hope that this will be the one we get to bring home.

So, readers...is there anything you plan to do differently next time around?

Square One?

On this journey, it feels like it's always 1 step forward 2 steps back.  First with the miscarriages, then with the surgery...but finally, when we got pregnant with Bailey, I finally felt like I could move forward...and then she was born prematurely and died.  Even grief feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  Have a good day, then have a really bad day. 

Sometimes I feel like we are right back at Square 1.  But, we're really not...it's more like Square 3 or 4.  Square 1 for us would be before we knew anything was wrong.  Pre-miscarriage days and pre-surgery days.  But, at Square 3 or 4, we know I can get pregnant...we know I can carry a pregnancy longer than 6 weeks...but, it's back to the old drawing board.

Back to ttc.  Back to temping, charting, and planning everything we do...back to high hopes, over-analyzing, and anxiety. 

And I hate it.

I hate having to remember to temp before getting out of bed.  I hate over-analyzing every cramp and twinge.  I hate wondering how I am going to feel during future pregnancies...So frustrating!!

I'm in a mood tonight...if you can't tell.  I woke up this morning and teared up at every blog entry I read.  I put in my time at the gym to burn off some of my pent up anxiety.  Now, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for about 5 years.

Causes of Death

Today has been emotionally challenging.  With tomorrow being Adam's birthday, we took today off.  We needed to go to the Department of Vitals Records and do something we have been dreading...we had to go and get copies of Bailey's Birth Certificate AND Death Certificate.  We needed them though...Adam's life insurance policy allows us to file a claim for her, but you need a copy of both certificates to make the claim.  Since she was a live birth, we will also be able to claim her on our taxes next year, but again, we need a copy of both certificates.

No parent should ever have to pick up a death certificate for their child.  It's wrong on all levels, and it unfair on all levels.

One things I was surprised to see on Bailey's death certificate were causes of death.  I never gave much thought to what was going to be on there.  I just thought the obvious...she was just born too early.  But as the lady at the DoVR gave us the copies and I sat there reading them, there were 5 reasons listed as "Cause of Death".

1.  Cardio Respiratory Failure - when I googled this, here was a response I found "It is a generalised term which is used to describe the cause of death when no specific cause is known .  It means cardiac arrest which led to respiratory failure.  However it does not describe any proper disease."

2.  Anemia -  Condition in which the body does not have enough healthy red blood cells.

3.  23 Week Extreme Prematurity - Well, duh.

4.  Respiratory Distress Syndrome - Condition that makes it difficult to breathe.

5.  Hypovolemia - Low blood volume

I think I would have rather just thought it was because of her prematurity.  I know all of these were factors because of her prematurity, but I think I could have done without knowing all the other reasons.  Because now I wonder if she suffered?  Was she in pain? 

Sometimes I wish I would have gotten the chance to hold her before or as she left this Earth.  But, now I know if I would have, she probably would have been in more pain, she probably would have suffered more.  But, the selfish part of me wishes I could have had that chance because I never had it.  And that would not have been fair to her.

It's been a long day...I'm drained.

New Look

I'm in the process of giving my blog a new look.  The initial design was a freebie from
. 

I did have a friend re-do some of the graphics, and we are in the process of working on it more.  Adam says the code is somewhat out of date, and we'll need to update some things.

So, please be patient while this changes in the next few days!  I want it to be just right!

This is Me

Thank you Julie for today's chosen topic!  For those of you who are following (and perhaps even reading my blog)...This is Me...This is who I was before (and some things still am) I was the victim of infant loss, before I was Bailey's mommy, and before I entered into probably the toughest time to date in my life.

I grew up in a very small town in Oklahoma.  The movie "Footloose" was based on my hometown.  I graduated in a class of 50-60 students and was 1 of 4 class Valedictorians (sp?).  I was a cheerleader ALL through school, and loved it.

I married my high school sweetheart.  I met Adam while working at McDonald's.  His awkwardness, shyness, and dry sense of humor I guess just won me over!  We have been together for 11 years this October, and have been married for 5 years.

I have a Business degree from the University of Oklahoma (Boomer Sooner!). 




I work for a bank in the greater Oklahoma City area as the Teller Operations Supervisor.  I enjoy my job...most days.

I grew up with cats as a family pet.  We never had a dog.  So, Desmond, is the first dog I have ever owned.  He's spoiled rotten.  We do have 2 cats also...Smokey and Tabby.  Smokey acts EXACTLY like Adam...so anti-social...he even hides in the closet when people are at the house.

We are homebodies...through and through.  We don't have a lot of close friends, and we don't go out and do the social scene.  We are perfectly content staying at home.

I love the Harry Potter series and the Twilight series.  Yes...I'm a dork like that.  However, since Bailey's death, I haven't been able to read.  Reading used to be part of my nightly ritual.  I read for a little while before bed.  Now, I have no desire to pick up a book...no matter the topic.

I have a thing about personal space...I'm not a big hugger, but I love virtual hugs!  I like my "bubble"...

I hate my hair.  I never know what to do with it, and if it doesn't have just the right amount of hair crap on it, it stands about 10 feet tall.

I love with every fiber of my being...but if I'm crossed, I also hold grudges with every fiber of my being.  It's a fault of mine...I'm really trying to work on it.

I go to bed between 9 and 10 every night.  I still don't sleep without assistance from Ambien, but I have tried to maintain a schedule.  I also used to be able to nap anytime, anywhere, and then could sleep a full night.  I haven't had but maybe a handful of naps in the last 2 1/2 months.

There are some random facts about me!  Tell me a little bit about you!