Outlets

I never imagined I would be a blogger...I never imagined I could openly express these feelings...I never imagined people would read what I wrote...But, then again...I never imagined it would take us 4 years to get pregnant and have a baby...and I never imagined in my worst nightmare that my baby would die.

Without the love and support from family, friends, and other baby-loss mommies, I don't know what I would have done.  I probably would have felt like this sign:

Fortunately for me though, I have my family and friends...I have all these wonderful people in the baby-loss community who have reached out to me...I have found that I enjoy blogging.  So, I don't feel like there is "no outlet". 

Blogging in one of my outlets.  It allows me to express what I am feeling.  If I am having a horrible day...I can write about it.  If I'm having a better day...I can write about.  Someone out there understands.  I can express my emotions...I can express how I am feeling...I may not always do it, but the option is there.

Exercising has been another outlet.  Doing a few miles on the treadmill always seems to release some frustration.  It also allows for me to get lost in my thoughts.  It lets me think about Bailey.  It's let me have those thoughts all to myself...nobody to talk to me and no one to interrupt me.  It's my time.  It lets me think about what I want my Picture of the Day to be, or what I want to write about.  It gives me so many options.

What is your outlet?  Is it a new-found outlet or one you've always had?

Why Didn't I?

I'm overwhelmed with incredible guilt today. 

After Bailey died, we were faced with all the decisions of what to do.  Do we have pictures done? Yes...we do, and we did...and I cherish them.  Do we bury or cremate her?  Adam put his foot down on that one, and I was fine with his decision that we should bury her, but the next question was where do we bury her?  When? 

My mom and dad thought it would be nice to bury her at the foot of my grandmother's grave.  I thought that was a great idea.  My dad called all of my mother's siblings, and asked for permission to bury Bailey there.  Everyone agreed...and I am forever grateful for that.

I couldn't handle arranging Bailey's funeral services.  I never asked Adam to do it.  I just called my parents.  I never gave him the choice...what if he wanted to do it (wanted is a crappy word to put there...who really WANTS to arrange services to bury their child)?  Why didn't I offer to let him do it?  My dad took care of everything.  He called the funeral home and arranged for her to be picked up.  He called the preacher who married me and Adam to ask if he would perform the services.  My dad decided not to have an obituary put on the website or printed in the paper.  My dad made all the hard decisions that I couldn't do, and didn't give Adam the option to do.

But, the one HUGE thing I am feeling incredibly guilty about is this...We never chose an outfit for Bailey to be buried in.  We never dressed her in anything other than what the hospital dressed her in.  And I know she wasn't buried in that because it's now in her memory box.  So, I don't know what my child was buried in, if anything.  I don't know if she was buried in a diaper, completely naked, or if they gave her clothes.  I didn't pick something out for her.  Why didn't I do that?  What kind of mother am I to not think about the last thing my child would wear?  Why didn't I pay attention to that detail?  WHY? 

I know she was already gone, and I know she's in heaven, and it's only her in the physical sense that we buried...but I feel horrible that I didn't do that for her.  I only had few jobs when it came to her...I loved her for every tiny piece of her that she was...I carried her for the beautiful 23 weeks that she was with us...but I didn't do the things after she was gone that I should have...why didn't I do that?

I feel so horrible and so guilty....so incredibly guilty.

Red Light...Green Light...Red Light!

You remember playing the game Red Light, Green Light as a kid?  The one where someone is the "light" and when they turn around and their back is facing you that is the "green light" and when they are facing you, that is the "red light"?  You try to get closer and closer to the light, to touch it, but if you are caught moving on a red light, you are out.  I remember that game...I hated it so much, because I was always so impatient, and would always end up moving during the red light.


And for some reason, when I was sitting at a stop light today, I was reminded of that game from my childhood.  And I thought about how the concept of that game applied to my life now.


In this journey to parenthood, I have feel like I am the kid who is playing the game, and keeps getting eliminated because I keep moving during the red light...only it's not a game.


Red Light!  No regular cycles...how can you get pregnant if you don't cycle regularly?
Green Light!  Femara does the trick, and we are pregnant 6 months after our 1st appointment.
Red Light!  Miscarriage number one and discovery of a fairly large septum on my uterus.
Green Light!  Pregnant after scheduling surgery!  It's meant to be!
Red Light!  Miscarriage number two and surgery to remove septum
Green Light!  FINALLY pregnant again a year and 3 months after my surgery.
Red Light!  Bailey is born at 23 weeks and dies almost an hour after birth.


It feels like it's the same way with my emotions...


Having a good day?  Here's a green light!
Having a bad day?  Here's a red light...and it's a long one...got the patience for it?


Every time it seems like the goal in within my reach, I'm eliminated (or at least side-lined).  The "light" switches on me.  And then I have to sit there for a while...and I don't have the patience for it. 


Stupid red light.

Cravings

Two posts in one night.  I had intended on posting this originally, but had to post the "No Risk, No Reward" blog while it was fresh on my mind.

Tonight, on my way home from work, the topic on our local radio station was "What Are You Craving?".  People mentioned all sorts of food, and it got me to thinking...what am I craving?  So, let's go back...

When I first found out I was pregnant, I craved mashed potatoes and Mexican food (not at the same time).  Later, I craved Dark Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  Then I craved pickles...I had bought 3 jars of pickles a couple of days before going into labor. 

Now, I don't crave the food as much.  I crave to have my need to be a mom (to an earthly baby) fulfilled.  I crave the sunshine...Oh, how I wish it would stop raining (at least for a couple of days).  I have a craving to "get involved"...to help someone who's been through this, or is going through it.  I crave to talk about Bailey. 

What did you crave when you were pregnant and what do you crave now?

No risk, no reward

I was talking to Dana (Jacob's Mommy) tonight on Facebook, and we were talking about how going through the battle of trying to conceive (ttc) again, and even knowing what has happened to us, it is worth the risk.  And I found myself saying "No risk, no reward".  But it's true...even after going through this awful experience of losing my baby, and knowing that it could very possibly happen again (Dear God, I hope it doesn't), I am still willing to do it again.  If I never took the risk, and decided never to try again, then there would never be the chance of having the reward of having a "take home" baby.  One to bring home, share my love with, hold and cuddle...to give my all. 

I knew from the moment we lost Bailey, that I would be willing to take the risk.  I knew it wasn't the end of the journey for us.  I guess I knew it before then, because otherwise we would have stopped after our first miscarriage.  The risk is worth it.  There may be heartache, anxiety, and fear...but it'll be worth it.  It has to be.

Hunger

I have this hunger that needs to be satisfied.  It's the hunger for being a mom.  I feel like I have gone to some really cool party, had a bite of some really fabulous dessert, only to find out that the bite I had was the last bite, and there won't be anymore for a long time.  That's how I feel now...I feel like I was finally invited to the cool kids party, because I finally got the invitation to be a mom.  I got a little more than halfway through the party because I made it to 23 weeks with Bailey.  I got to have a taste for the dessert I wanted when I delivered Bailey and got to hold this preciousness in my arms.  Then I was told that was it, there was no more...that's how I felt when she died.  I felt 1000 times worse after she died, than not getting the dessert I wanted, but you understand the analogy.

To have to go through this battle of trying to conceive again, feels like I'm waiting to get that invitation again.  I wanted that invitation last time, but this time I have a hunger for it.  I have a hunger to get to the end of the party, have my cake, and eat it too...and I want to eat the whole freaking piece...not just a bite.  I have the hunger to get to the end of a pregnancy, deliver my baby, get to keep him or her, take him or her home, and live happily ever after.  It's not too much to ask for....right?

And I have hope that someday this will happen.  And hopefully someday soon.

Is it really THAT bad?

Today, I was having a conversation with a girl from work.  She was having a really bad day.  Her dog is either lost or has been stolen, and her sister-in-law killed herself this weekend.  I was just completely shocked.

I cannot imagine thinking life was so bad that THAT was the only way out.  I just physically cannot imagine it.  I have suffered the loss of my daughter, and I still don't think life is THAT bad.  What I have been through is probably one of the worst things a person can ever go through.  And yes I am sad, and it hurts, and it's unfair, but wow...to feel like that was my only option...again...it's just wow.

It makes me incredibly sad to think about the family this woman left behind.  The hurt others will feel because of a decision she made.  I don't know her story or her circumstances, but it makes me so sad.

Verbalize

This post may offend some of my family members and friends...I apologize in advance.  This post also gets into religion and such.

I have come to a realization that I am horrible at verbalizing things.  After a couple of conversations with Adam this weekend, I came that conclusion very quickly.

First conversation occurred on our way home last night.  We have always accepted that we were raised in different denominations of religion.  Adam was raised Baptist and I was raised Church of Christ.  We have never made a clear, concise decision on how our children will be raised.  We have never defined that boundary.  Adam thinks the way Church of Christ does things are a little weird...I think the way Baptists do things is a little weird.  We accepted that we have those opinions. 

But, as we were driving home last night, we had a conversation that I couldn't verbalize my opinions or beliefs.  I just couldn't make it come out like I wanted...and I still don't know how to make it come out "right".  We were talking about baptism on our way home.  I have only been to a Baptist church a handful of times.  From what I have understood, the belief is you confess and are saved, and then later (days, weeks, months, however long) you are baptized.  Growing up Church of Christ, when you "confessed", accepted God and Jesus, you were baptized and saved.  "Repent, confess, and be baptized, and you will be saved." is what I was taught.  To me, it is like an "all in one" package deal.  I know, I know...ultimately the same thing when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, right?  But, I guess I don't fully understand why it is different between denominations.  I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong...it's just different.

I also haven't been able to understand getting baptized at a very young age.  Yes, maturity and upbringing has a lot to do with it.  So, I am not against baptism at a young age (or any age for that matter) as long as there is an understanding and someone is mature enough to make that decision.  But, I heard of kids I went to school with, that were baptized just for the act of it, and nothing changed.  These were the kids who partied every weekend...drank illegally, smoked, did drugs.  I think most of them did it because "everyone was doing it", not because of a mature, thought out decision, or even because of belief.  And I didn't agree with it then, and I don't agree with it now. 

I could go on and on about this topic probably for hours...but I don't know how to verbalize these thoughts, and mixed up emotions.  So, they will remain a jumbled mess.  But, I realized last night, that this is a difference we are going to have to work out.  Because we are going to have to make a decision on how our children will be raised in regards to religion.  And I need my ducks to be in a row, and be able to have a discussion and be able to verbalize my beliefs in order to make this decision.

My second instance in which I was unable to verbalize myself was tonight.  (This is a much lighter subject).  I want to re-vamp my blog, and I found a template I like that someone created, but I wanted to change some things on it.  I wanted to add some things, and delete some things.  And as I tried to explain to Adam what I wanted for the final product, I couldn't convey it.  So, I drew a picture, and tried to point out the things I wanted to change.  And I figured out, that even with drawing a picture, I couldn't convey some of the things (doesn't help that I am a really crappy artist). 

I want my blog for Bailey to be a special place.  I want it to look perfect.  I am not happy with how it currently looks, so I wanted to create that space.  I used to know how to do these things...and I have lost that knowledge.  And with the loss of that knowledge, I now have to rely on someone else to do it for me...and when I can't verbalize what I want, that makes it hard to get it.

I guess I need to work on my communication.  Either that, or write everything down...sort it all out, and then go from there.

Let's Just Avoid It

Sometimes I don't know if I should feel hurt or annoyed.

I expect the uncomfortable and awkward silence when I talk about pregnancy or Bailey with people I am not exceptionally close to.  There is probably actually only a handful of people I can talk about Bailey openly with, and tell they aren't uncomfortable. 

But, one thing that causes my mixture of emotions such as hurt and annoyance (all at once) is when I can tell that family is openly uncomfortable talking about my child.  I know they are hurting too...I understand that.  I understand that they are afraid that talking about Bailey might send me into a bout of outrageous, open, raw emotions.  I understand that they are probably trying to spare my feelings.  But, not talking about her, or avoiding the subject of hurt, is just as likely to send me into that downward spiral.

I can recognize that discomfort in my own parent's faces when I mention Bailey.  My mom avoids talking about her...she actually will change the subject if I bring her into the conversation. 

It comforts me to talk about Bailey.  I love to show the things people have made for her...the tributes in memory of her that people have done.  I loved showing off the tree Kristin did...I loved showing off the candle lighting and rock Melissa did...that's just a couple of them...and today, I was extremely excited to see that Bailey was remembered on Elaine's trip to Niagra Falls.  But, my excitement was quickly squashed when I tried to show Adam and my parents, and I saw the discomfort arise...and instead of acknowledge the wonderful gesture that was done in my baby's memory, my parents started talking about their vacation for next year.  They talked about how they wanted to go to Niagra Falls, and how they needed to get their passports because my aunt has told them the best views are from the Canadian side. 

Thank you Elaine!!  I love that Bailey was remembered on your trip to Niagra Falls!!

I almost feel like many people's attitudes about Bailey are "if we just avoid talking about it...then maybe she'll stop".  I'll never stop talking about her.  I might talk about her less in time (I don't see it being anytime soon)...but I will never stop talking about the precious little girl that blessed our lives with her brief presence.

Dear Pre-Pregnancy Clothes

Dear Pre-Pregnancy Clothes,

I just thought I would take a moment and tell you I don't like you very much right now.  If I had Bailey in my arms to show what I had went through during pregnancy, and the reason I gained all that weight, I might not be so unforgiving to you right now.  But, since I have no Bailey to prove that the 26 pounds I gained was for good reason, I'm really just kind of bitter. 

Most moms after 2 months would love to be able to fit into clothes just like you...  But, I just thought I would let you know I'm not them.  In perfect world circumstances, I would be happy to be back wearing you, and on my way to leaving you in the "fat pre-pregnancy clothes" box, because I am still losing weight.  But, since it's way sooner than I planned on wearing you, it's just yet another painful reminder that things aren't the way I planned.

Pre-Pregnancy clothes, you have managed to make your way into my Picture a Day section.  I'm so upset with you right now, that yes, I even took a picture of you.  Because as I document my journey, you are part of the process. 

One way or another, I won't be wearing you for long.  I either will continue to lose the weight, and you will go in the box, or hopefully I will get pregnant again, and will be tucking you back on the shelf, because my belly won't be able to fit into you.  I guess only time will tell which place you are going to be headed...

Sincerely,
Your very bitter owner

Television

I watch mindless television in the mornings.  I know there are more importants things to watch, like the news, but I don't.  So, this morning, as I am sitting on my couch, watching a "Boy Meets World" re-run, I had forgotten about this particular episode.  (And, yes, I am aware of the scale of my dorkiness for watching this crap in the mornings...)

In this episode, a new baby brother had been born into the Matthew's family, and was in the NICU, because he was so small and having problems breathing.  The Dr.'s did everything they could do for him, and now "it was up to him".  Every talks to him and prays for him, and at the end of the show, everything is better. 

As I sat and watched, I cried because if only for a brief moment in time, I understood their pain.  But, in the end, I was angry, because although it's a t.v. show, and sometimes in real-life people do get that happy ending, and get to take their babies home, I wonder, why didn't I get to?  I was so angry that wonderful people who I have met on this journey, didn't get that wonderful, happy ending.  They didn't get to take their babies home. 

Why can't we have the happy endings like the t.v. shows?  Why can't things always turn out okay?  Why does there have to be this heartache and this pain? 

2 months

I know...I know...2 posts in one night...but, there are things I had to say that I didn't want to put in my letter...Frustrations I felt today.

Today is Bailey's 2 month Angelversary.  And only a handful of people acknowledged it.  My fears of her being forgotten seems more and more real every day.

This morning started out not great.  I was sadder than normal when I got up, but ultimately, the day wasn't as bad as I expected.  It did have it's moments though (and both included my boss).

Moment #1:  My boss walks into my office and we have the following conversation.
Boss:  Danae-Nae...How are you today?
Me:   I'm okay. 
Boss:  Well, I have a whole freaking department of "I'm okays" today.  Are you just having a bad day?
Me:  Well, yeah...today is 2 months....
Boss:  *shrugs shoulders, rolls eyes, spins around, and walks out*

Are you freaking kidding me?!  Not the first time I have gotten the eye roll in the last couple of weeks from her.  So frustrating and yet so annoying.  It's almost like it feels like she is one of the ones who expects me to be "over" it.

Moment #2:  A manager I am talking to tells me that someone we both worked with a couple of years ago, passed away at the age of 76 a couple of days ago.  I went to let my boss know, because I didn't think she knew.  She then asked me if his mother was still alive.  I didn't know, so that's how I responded.  She then proceeds to say "Well, I hope for her sake that she went before he did.  I can't imagine what it would be like to bury a child."  Again, are you freaking kidding me?!  Thank you for reminding me of the "natural order" of things.  I am consciously aware of that.  And unfortunately, I do know what it is like to bury a child...and it's not fun.  No matter how old you are, or how old your child is, it's not fun.

Other than that, the day wasn't bad.  It was still tough, but not as tough as I expected.

My First Letter

This is my first letter to my precious Bailey...I think I am going to start writing a letter to her on her "angelversary" each month. 

My dearest Bailey,

Today is your 2 month Angelversary sweet girl.  Most days it seems like it was only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first and the last time.  It seems like only yesterday that we got to say "hello" and then had to say "goodbye".  And then other days, it feels like it has been a lifetime.

Today, only a handful of people remembered it was the anniversary of your day.  The ones who remembered, I am so thankful they did. 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  It feels like other people expect me to be "over" you now.  But, those people don't understand.  You are never something I can "get over".  You meant to much to me. 

It's still hard, and I'm still so sad.  I haven't be able to start your scrapbook...the thought is crushing at times.  Because, part of me knows once your book is done, it is going to feel so final.  And I am not ready for that yet.  So, right now, everything will remain organized, and in your crib.  Yep...that's where it will all stay for now.

Your daddy and I miss you so much.  I hope you know how much you were (and still are) loved.  I love you sweet girl.

Love,
Mommy

Angels & Heaven

I haven't posted anything in a couple of days, because my mind has been in overdrive. 


Kristin - I know you're probably reading this at some point in time or another...but your "Big Questions" post, really got my brain to thinking.  I'm not going to re-hash praying and why I do it, or anything like that, but it spurned other thoughts.


The two biggest things that have went through my mind in the last couple of days...


Angels:  A lot of moms in the baby-loss community refer to their babies as angels.  We "celebrate" (for the lack of a better word) what some call "Angelversaries".  I have also referred to Bailey as an angel and referenced the anniversaries of her birth & death as "Angelversaries, or Angel Days".  One definition of "angel" is "a deceased person whose soul is regarded as being accepted into Heaven".  Another definition is "a person having qualities generally attributed to an angel, as beauty, purity, or kindliness".  Bailey is my angel, because I believe her sould was accepted into Heaven.  It had no reason not be accepted, because of the purity she owned.  She never knew evil.  She never knew the heartache of this world.  She was beautiful, and she was pure.


I don't know physically what an angel looks like, but the idealized version society has is the being with a halo and wings.  Some visualize an angel as a being that looks like cupid.  I don't imagine Bailey with wings or a halo.  When I think of my daughter, my "angel", I visualize her as the perfect, beautiful little girl that she was.  Do I believe she is acting perfect up in Heaven?  Absolutely not...she is her momma's child after all.  :)  I do however own an "angel" pendant that I got from Adam for my birthday/Mother's Day.  It is very special to me, and is my reminder of Bailey (not that I need any reminders) and it is something that is very dear to my heart.  A picture of my angel pendant is posted in my "Picture A Day".


Do you call your baby an "angel"? If so, why?


Another thing I have thought a LOT about, is Heaven and Hell.  If I am so fortunate to make it into Heaven, I wonder who I am going to meet (and yes, I know there is some kind of book about who you will meet in Heaven...I just haven't gotten around to reading it).  I wonder how I will look to them?  If my Grandma Abshure and my Papaw Stewart were standing side by side, looking at me, what will they see?  Will my Grandma see see the 26 year old me that she saw before she died?  Will my Papaw see the 9 year old version of me that he saw before he died?  If I die an old woman, will they see me as that old woman?  How will they recognize me?  Will Bailey recognize me?  Will I recognize her?  Will she look like the baby I have captured in the photographs?  Or will she be older, more matured, still perfect version?


I've also wondered how this works...Who do you spend all eternity with?  Meaning, if someone loses their spouse, and then later re-marries, when those people die, who does the person who remarried spend the rest of eternity with?  I would hate to think that if something horrible ever happened and either Adam or I died (morbid thought...yes, I know), and once the other person died (and the 2nd spouse), that I could possibly be alone.  That thought scares the stuff out of me.  Yes, it's completely selfish, I understand that...but I would like to know...


My mind is just a jumbled mess...

Better Day

Note to readers:  There is mention of something hurtful my mother said to me this morning.  If you are family, I need for you NOT to say anything to her about her insensitivity in this particular situation.  When and if I am ready to talk to her about this situation, I will.  This is my outlet to express myself, and I don't need anyone going and "telling my mommy".  Thank you and happy reading.

So far, today is a better day than any day I have had in this past week.  Today, I smiled, I laughed, and I felt okay.  Even after a very restless night last night, I still felt okay. 


My mom called me this morning and was telling me about their trip to Disney World (they just got back) and she was saying there was something they didn't get to do, and I made the comment "oh, well.  You'll do it the next time you go", because I know my parents will eventually go back to Disney World.  Her response was "Of course.  We're going to take the grandkids someday.  So, you guys need to hurry up so there isn't a big gap between Desiree and her cousin".  And that comment hurt.  I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but it did.  We have been trying for 4 years to have a successful pregnancy.  We have been trying since August 2006, but didn't tell anyone about this battle until after our first pregnancy and miscarriage in January 2008.  And what hurt me even more is that Bailey should be still baking, all nice and happy in my belly, but she's not.  And it didn't seem to phase my mother one bit when she said what she did.

But, even though I had to deal with that comment (at the start of the day), my day still was a better one. 

I met up with my cousin and we went and got pedicures.  I ventured out of my comfort zone and even got zebra stripish looking things on my pink toes (for a picture of this, see June 26th picture on my "A Picture A Day" page).  We talked about anything and everything.  She listened when I talked about Bailey.  She listened when I talked about my craptastic conversation from earlier in the day.  She even listened when I talked about my visit from "Aunt Flo".  Hopefully I didn't drive her nuts!

After a pedicure and making my feet feel 110% better and my toes look beautimous again, I headed home.  And on the way home, I passed a sno-cone stand.  And as a topper for a day of feeling better than I have in over a week, I treated myself to a "Tiger Blood" sno-cone. 

It was the best $1.50 I have spent on myself in a while.  I ate every single bit of that sugary flavored ice, and loved every single bit of it.

Drained

I haven't had a week like this since my first week back at work. I am physically and emotionally drained. I've been back to work for 6 weeks, and this week I feel like someone has ran me over with a Mac truck, picked me up and dusted me off, threw me back out in the road, and ran me over again.

I had to train for the first time since a couple of days before Bailey's death. I knocked out 2 audits in one day for the first time since Bailey's death. I just got my first visit from "Aunt Flo" since Bailey's death. It's a week of firsts, and honestly, it's kicked my butt.

Emotionally, since Father's Day, I've been a mess. Today marks 8 weeks since Bailey's birth and death. We are rapidly approaching the 2 month mark. I've gone from very sad, to very angry, back to incredibly sad...all this week. I think I'm getting whiplash from the emotional roller coaster, because I just don't ever know where the next "turn" is going to be.

It seems like everything triggered me this week. I got so upset at a friend who is 17 weeks pregnant because she updated her Facebook status as "pregnancy is a prison sentence" and listed all of the things her Dr. told her she couldn't do. She just wrote how she felt, and I got so upset by it, and I shouldn't have. I know the world doesn't revolve around me.

I got upset at someone who hasn't been through this who told me "they understand how I feel". I wanted to scream at them "Really? Could you then clue me in please? Because I don't even understand how I feel most days."

The exhaustion...the emotions...it's all so much, and I know I've still got a looooong way to go.

Here's to saying goodbye to this week. I hope and pray for a better week next week.

Pictures

Today, I wanted to call into work because I "just wasn't feeling it". That wouldn't have gone over very well, so I sucked it up and went in. I went and audited 2 branches and the entire time thought about tomorrow being 8 weeks since Bailey's birth and death. Most days it feels like just yesterday it happened...and other days it feels like it's been eternity.

Since I'm still in a funk, I am just going to post pictures people have done for us in memory of Bailey. I just recently got these, and I am so grateful to have them.

Thank you Jill @ Vermont Angels http://vermontangels.blogspot.com/

Thank you Misty @ Heavens Seashells http://heavensseashells.blogspot.com/

Insensitivity

I am amazed at the insensitivity of people.

After I went back to work, some people avoided me like the plague. Now, almost 8 weeks later, there are people who talk to me, and I rather they would have just left me alone. Just like today.

A woman this morning told me she didn't know what to say, but she was sorry for what I had been through. I said "thank you" and the conversation should have been finished...or I thought. If only she would have stopped there.

This woman proceeded to tell me about a loss she had...and around 6-8 weeks after her loss, she said her husband came up to her and told "This is enough. You need to get over it". I sat there stunned...I wouldn't know what to do if Adam EVER said that to me...other than possibly hurt him. But, she didn't stop there. She then proceeded to tell me "Things happen for a reason", and this one is a huge trigger for me. I HATE that phrase.

The only thing I could do was leave her office, go up to my training room, drop my things, go to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall, and cry. I didn't know what else to do. Then I had to pull myself together, go back to my training room, and get prepared to train a class. And I had NO desire to be there. I wanted to go home, curl up in a ball, and cry til the numbness took over.

I couldn't believe her husband told her to "get over it". This will never be something I "get over". It is something I will learn to cope and live with, but never get over it. I couldn't believe the insensitivity he showed. It made me sick to my stomach to think about it.

And if things happen for a reason, then God, I want to know why? I want to know what the reason was that my baby and other babies have to be taken away? I want to know why I have to be miserable because of this tragedy? I want to know why wonderful people who I have met on this journey have to be miserable and sad because of their losses? WHY? I don't want to hear because there is a bigger plan for my baby...because I had some pretty big, and pretty fantastic plans, so I thought.

I'm angry...And this week has not been a good one....is it over yet?

Funk

Since Saturday, I have been in a "funk". Father's Day was horribly hard, and emotionally, trying to prepare for Father's Day was hard. So, I thought once Father's Day came and went, and the tears were cried, I would be out of my funk...and today I have found that NOT to be the case.

I'm still in a funk...I was 20 minutes late for work this morning because of the funk. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to take a shower, and I didn't want to go to work. So I sat in front of my computer, I played Cubis and listened to some iTunes, and I piddled around until it was 20 minutes after I should have left, and finally I left for work. And in case you are wondering, yes I did shower.

I am always on time...I'm normally early...but today, I didn't care.

My boss asked if I was having a bad day...the response was "yes" (short, simple, to the point), and her response was 2 parts...the first "what caused your bad day/weekend?" I thought to my self..."Well...um...duh", but didn't say it...I just responded with "I'm pretty sure Father's Day". The 2nd part to the response was "Oh, well at least the bad days are getting further apart".

Here's the deal...In the beginning, I would have a descent day, then a bad day. I would have a really "good" day and then have really bad day. Now I've had a few descent days, just to turn around have multiple days of bad. I really HATE this roller coaster...I never wanted to get on it in the first place, and now I wish I could get off of it.

But, it's the roller coaster I am going to have to ride for the rest of my life.

Father's Day Tears

I didn't make it through yesterday without bawling to Adam...I was hoping I would. All my "failure" emotions were so built up, that it just erupted last night.

So this morning, I woke up with huge, swollen eyes, a horrible headache, and an incredible sadness in my heart.

I think Father's Day is just as hard for us mothers as it is for the fathers. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT discrediting their feelings any, or discrediting how difficult this journey is for them. But, I do honestly think it is just as hard on us as it is for them.

As a friend put on her blog, her husband doesn't feel like a father, because they too, like Adam and I lost their first born. So, with no living children here to celebrate this day, it makes it hard. But, to see our husbands be so sad on this day, is just like re-opening the wound that still exists and (for many like us) is so fresh and raw still, that it makes us hurt. The male is typically the "strong" one, and to see this kind of vulnerability is so incredibly difficult.

My husband is not the type to show emotion outright. But last night, as I was talking to him, and reminded him of Father's Day, and of the plans to go and visit Bailey's resting place, I could hear the sadness in his voice. I could hear the quiet tone he had, and I could feel him go off in thought. And amidst all the feelings I already had throughout the day, it broke my heart and the tears fell.

And as the tears fell for me and my husband, and our loss of our precious Bailey, I began thinking about all the friends I have made because of this horrible journey, and I thought of their stories, and the tears fell even more, because I have a glimpse of understanding of how they are feeling.

And I don't wish this kind of pain upon anyone.

Failed

It hasn't been a good day. The closer and closer it gets to Father's Day, the worse and worse I feel. I'm glad Adam has been busy today, because I hate when I have days like this. I know they are expected, but they are still hard.

Today, I feel like a failure. I feel like one of the things I'm supposed to be able to do in this life is to keep my child safe, and my body couldn't even handle that. I feel like my body failed me, and with that failure, ultimately I feel like I have failed.

I have thought about Father's Day...ALOT. What most people don't know is I found out about my 2nd pregnancy on Father's Day 2008, and then I miscarried 2 weeks later. Then, I felt like I had failed. I felt like I had done something wrong, and I was being punished...I know this is not true, but that's how I felt. And now, Father's Day 2010, when we should be happily expecting Bailey, my body failed me again, and now she is gone.

I've felt like I failed my husband...I've failed my family...I've failed everyone I love. In four years of trying so desperately to start a family of our own, it hasn't happened, and it's mainly because of issues with me. MY body is the one has infertility issues, MY body is the one who had a uterine septum (yes...physically impossible for Adam to have that), MY body is the one who had 2 early miscarriages before we realized what was causing them, MY body is the one that couldn't safely hold Bailey for 40 weeks even though she was a healthy, beautiful, little girl.

Because my body failed, we have experienced this horrible heartache, our families have had to experience this horrible heartache...and nothing will ever be the same.

Wasn't Prepared

Tomorrow will be 7 weeks since Bailey's death...and today is the first day that I had to explain to someone what happened who didn't even know I was pregnant.

You see, I have a customer who I always helped when I was at my first branch, and when I left to go to a new branch, she went with me. When I transferred to my current position, she didn't follow me because I'm no longer in a position with direct customer contact. But, I still see her and husband occassionally.

And today I explained my horrible roller-coaster ride of a journey to them. And as I watched her tear up, and listened as her husband told me they also lost their first born (a little boy) 41 years ago at 5 1/2 months...it broke my heart all over again.

What I realized today, is that this is the first time I have had to tell someone MY story, and I didn't know HOW to do it. A grief counselor at the hospital told me I would need to come up with a plan on how I would answer questions regarding Bailey, because there are always the inevitable questions of "When are you going to have kids?", or the "how's the baby doing?". I knew those questions would come someday, but I still haven't been prepared for it.

Today was one of the days where I got a "How are you?" and I responded "I'm okay" and they knew something was wrong. They asked, out it spilled...I wasn't prepared.

I'm prepared for the silence I can bring to the room with one sentence (I've done it multiple times...I've found people don't want to hear about your pregnancy when your baby dies). I'm prepared for the looks like I'm contagious (now I am...since it's happened). I'm prepared on how to answer if I have kids (after today I am). I'm prepared to answer direct questions about Bailey or that would include Bailey.

But, I was not prepared to answer the standard "How are you?" question and someone not accept my standard "okay" with a shoulder shrug.

I HATE that I have to be prepared for questions like this. I HATE that I have to have a plan of how I am going to answer these questions. And I HATE that my child is not here with me.

I wasn't prepared to lose her, and I wasn't prepared for people who can read me like a book.

Obsessions

Lately it feels like I have 3 obsessions...


First, I am obsessed with Bailey. This is probably a given. I'm obsessed with seeing her name, looking at her pictures, and dreaming of the happy ending that should have came with her story instead of the horrible ending that left me heartbroken and empty. I'm obsessed with the "What might have beens" and the "what ifs". I'm obsessed with talking about her...even if no one wants to listen. I'm obsessed with any facet of my life that might have to do with her...and most of it does.

Second, I am obsessed with my weight...I think it's because it's the one thing in my life right now that I can control. I went back to Weight Watchers 2 weeks after Bailey was born. I am not far away from having lost everything I gained during pregnancy, and then I want to keep going. I began Weight Watchers prior to getting pregnant with Bailey, and I think the 30 pounds I lost in 3 months is what helped us to finally conceive her. I had always intended on going back after she born and getting myself down to a healthy weight so I could be a fun and active mom instead of one who was too tired to do anything. So, 4 weeks ago, I went back...without having Bailey to show as a reason for my leave...and now I find myself more obsessed with my weight. I made a promise to Bailey to lose weight and get healthy so I am going to keep that promise. I want her to be proud of me, and know I didn't give up and I kept my promise.

Third, I am obsessed with working on the "Rose Garden" and my blog. It's the only thing I want to do in the evenings when I get home, and I'm happy to finally be doing something for others. I need to channel my energy into something productive, because otherwise I would either sit and watch the many "nothings" on t.v. or I would play on the computer to no end. And between working on names and blogging about my feelings, it's been very therapeutic.

Yes, I seem obsessed and I really probably am. I would rather be obsessed with my daughter, a promise I made to my daughter, and something that I have started because of my daughter, than to forget, break a promise and let myself go, and not do anything. And even though she's not here with us, I'm still living for her.

No Restrictions

I went to the Dr. today for my 6 week post-partum check-up. The Dr. said my incision looks great and is healing nicely. We have been given the release to try again on our own with no medication. We have to wait another 6 weeks before we go back to medication. I am praying it happens again before then. Not because I want to replace Bailey, but I have the strongest urge and need to be pregnant and to mother a child here...one I get to keep with me.

The Dr. also released me with "no restrictions". And that made me sad...Instead of being 2 months from my due date and being restricted from doing much of anything, I'm released to do anything I want. But, I guess I don't really get what I want right now.

It's raining...and I'm sad...I've always heard raindrops are the teardrops from heaven...and I tell you...heaven is crying long and hard here in Oklahoma right now.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

Thank you for your comment on "The Rose Garden" blog. I am glad you are reading my blog, and to be completely honest, I have no idea who you are based on that post. None of what I am about to say is meant to be offensive or mean...but I have found in "trying" to heal, if I don't say how I feel, it gets bad...so, please understand where I am coming front when I point a couple of things out.

I know things happen for a reason...it's a bigger reason than I will understand, but it still sucks. When saying that one little phrase (which I have also probably said and wrote before) it just reminds me that I DON'T know what that reason is...and I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing why God needed my child more than I needed her. I will never understand. I will accept it because not accepting it is far much worse, and it won't bring Bailey back...but I will never fully understand it.

"If you are meant to have a child you will". I would recommend not using that phrase to anyone who is going through infertility or suffering from a loss. Because for those who are battling infertility and who have never had the chance to become pregnant, it hurts, because in most cases, we feel as if our body has failed us (that's how I felt at least). And for those who have suffered a loss, it feels like it is discrediting the child we do have. I was meant to have a child...her name is Bailey. I just didn't get to keep her here with me. But she still is MY child...and she was meant to be mine and will always be mine. She will never be replaced, and she will always be my first-born. And she, my first girl, will always have a piece of my heart that she took with her when she left this world.

Again, Anonymous, I don't know who you are, and my post is just an explanation of how I feel. Other mommies and daddies who have been where I am may disagree with the thoughts I have verbalized.

But Anonymous, I want to thank you for loving me, thinking of me, reading my mixed up and crazy emotional posts, and having the courage to post a comment to let me know you care. And if I were wherever you are, I would so take a hug right now...because the pain is bad this morning...and it hurts...even 6 weeks after losing Bailey it still hurts more than I ever thought possible. I miss Bailey so much.

Love,
Danae

The Rose Garden

This experience has been horrible...Anyone who has ever lost a child understands what it feels like. This is the horrible "club" that no one wants to be a part of.

In ways this horrible experience has been a wake up call for me. A wake up call to pay attention...don't take anything for granted. Show compassion for others...try to do something that will make a difference...try to help someone.

Which is why I wanted to do something like "The Rose Garden of Names". I wanted other parents to have something to go with their memories...because that's all we have now are memories.

Now that I have started "The Rose Garden", I know it is one of the things that will help me get through this. I truly hurt for other families' losses...because I now understand what it is like to have the most precious thing ripped from your life. It leaves you broken...it leaves you confused...and it leaves with a piece of your heart.

Just a Hug

Sometimes a hug is just what we need...and yesterday, a hug is just what I got. I was out doing some training and I had a manager ask if she could give me a hug, and I told her she could. And at that moment in time, a hug was just what I needed. It has been so hard to go back to work. Many people don't know how to act. Most act like things are normal, others avoid, but only a handful of people will do the small acts of kindness like giving me a hug, and that shows me people do still care.

To most, it's a regular normal day. To me, it's never going to be a normal regular day. I will ALWAYS be thinking about Bailey, and how I miss her. I start thinking about different scenes that "could have been" like...If none of this happened, and she was happy and healthy in my belly still, what would she be doing? Kicking up a storm and keeping me up at night? I could be 29 weeks today, and the thought she is gone still hurts. Or what if she would have made it? I would have a 6 week old baby right now! I know she still would have been in the NICU, but I can't help but wonder what it would have been like?

I know we made the right decision...we couldn't let our little girl be in pain and suffer, but I still can't help but wonder what it might have been like.

And on days that I hurt like I do today, sometimes all I need...is a hug.

What happens next time?

We went today to meet with a maternal and fetal medicine doctor. The nurse and the doctor both asked about our history and what we had been through. I was surprised I was able to tell them without bursting into tears. They were both kind and listened to everything we told them.

The Dr. told us he isn't sure if I have a cervical insufficiency or if I truly just went into pre-term labor. He said since it happened so fast there will be no way to know. And questioning it and wondering is like wonder "Which came first...the chicken or the egg?". He said since Bailey was pre-term, the liklihood of it happening again is 40-50%. I don't like those odds. He did tell us we will take preventative measures to hopefully get us to a healthy full-term baby next time. We will have a cerclage put in at 12-14 weeks. We will start having progesterone injections at 16 weeks. We will have a full anatomy scan at 16 weeks and ultrasounds every 2-3 weeks after that until we are deemed "in the safe zone". They will perform fFN test starting at 24 weeks once every couple of weeks.

So, it sounds like our high-risk Dr. wants to be proactive and I am completely for that! I want to be proactive, and know that we took every precaution we possibly could. I want no stone unturned!

Now to wait another month in hopes of my "friend" and then it's back in the saddle!

It's not contagious!

Today, it felt like one of my biggest fears hit me square in the face. And it hurt.

I dreaded our monthly meeting this morning. I dreaded it because I was afraid of how people would treat me. And it was just a horrible as I could have imagined. I walked in the room, and there were quite a few people there and I noticed some people look at me, and then immediately look away. Not one person said "good morning" or "hello". No one asked me how I was doing. It felt like people kept their distance from me, and tried to avoid me like I had some contagious disease. I wanted to jump up and scream "I'm not contagious! I don't have the Black Plague! My baby died! Just because you talk to me or ask how I am doing, I am not going to freak out on you or tell you my life story! I'm just going to tell you "I'm okay" unless you ask for specifics! But, please don't pretend like nothing has happened or try to ignore me! Just because you avoid or ignore me doesn't mean I will go away!" I know I wasn't outgoing by any means or chatty, but can you blame me?

It was the most horrible feeling in the world. My boss told me I looked like I was having a bad day, and I burst into tears. I felt like no one cared...I know that's not the case, but that's how I felt.

I don't require a lot of attention. I don't think I'm needy...and I really try to be there for others. Most of the time I slip into the background. But, not being acknowledged at all except for the quick glances away was awful.

Please don't treat me like it's a disease. Please don't treat me like if you talk to me, or breathe the same air it will "rub off". That's not how it works...you know it, and I know it. Please don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing. I'm not so fragile I will break. I might shed a few tears, but that's okay.

I promise...it's really not contagious.

Nervous

Tomorrow is my first Communications and Manager's Meeting since the birth and death of Bailey. I haven't seen or talked to many of the managers since I've been back and I'm nervous...I dread the looks I'll get, and the pitiful tones. Most of all, I'm scared no one will say anything. I would rather have those dreaded looks and the pitiful tones than nothing. I dread the day no one says anything...no one acknowledges what I have been through...no one remembers I am a mommy...It's all in the past to them. But I think about it every day. I remember every day. I feel the heartache and the pain every day.

Today was a good day. I laughed and I smiled. When Adam told me I walked like a drunk person to bed last night after falling asleep on the couch from my Ambien, I laughed. I didn't remember it, but I found it funny. I'm nervous when having a good day. This is the closest to "normal" I have felt since Bailey left us...and that makes me nervous for what tomorrow may hold. I'm nervous it will be twice as worse as what it normally is.

I find myself weirdly getting excited about our Dr.'s appointment with the perinatologist on Wednesday. I am ready to get some answers on what will happen next time and what to expect. It means we are one step closer to being able to try again. One step closer to trying to make Bailey a big sister. One step closer to getting to be parents to a baby we get to keep here with us. But yet, I'm nervous about this too. What if they tell me things I don't want to hear? Am I ready to hear about all the "odds"? I'm I ready to hear about what we will have to do next time?

Just nervous...it all makes me nervous.

365 Days of Healing

Another angel mommy is documenting her journey through loss, and had an idea of "365 Days of Healing in 365 Pictures". I am going to join her on this journey and for the next 365 days, I will be posting a picture a day. These pictures will help me look back on this experience and the lessons learned.

Day 1: June 6, 2010

Bailey's crib...instead of her being safe and sound in it, it holds the memories

How will you remember me?

The lesson in church was about Remembrance. And a question asked was "How will you be remembered?" And it got to me to wondering...if I were to leave this Earth today, how will I be remembered by my family and friends?

Will I be remembered as a good person? Will I be remembered as the person who lost her child? I suddenly realized today, that I have no idea what people's perception of me is. I am no great person...I don't stand out in the crowd. I'm not always the kindest to people I don't know, but I always try to be there for family and friends. I'm not a social butterfly...I don't shout my beliefs from the rooftop. So, if I were gone, would I have even made an imprint on this world?
It's amazing that after 27 years of being here on this Earth, I don't know how people would remember me.

I know that in Bailey's short time on this Earth, she was loved by many. She was loved by her mommy and daddy, all of her grandparents, great-grandparents, and a slew of other family and friends. Will they always remember her though or will the memory fade away? I know she will ALWAYS be remembered by me, her daddy, grandparents, and a few others. But in passing years, will others still remember? If we are blessed to have another child, will they continue to remember?

I will never forget...I will always remember...

A poem

This poem has been posted on both my NILMDTS board and BBC board. I don't know who wrote the poem, but it touches my heart and I wanted to share.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked him what make a mother
And I know I heard him say.

A mother has a baby
This we know is true
But God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's not need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother -
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
And know you're the best one.

All the 5's

2005...5:00 a.m...5 weeks...5 years...

It's the day of 5's for me.

Adam and I got married on this day in 2005.

My alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. this morning (just like it always does).

It's been 5 weeks since we said hello and goodbye to Bailey.

It's been 5 years with the man I absolutely love and adore.

So many fives...all at once...what're the odds?

I can only imagine....

Today has been difficult...it has been no different than any other day since I've been back to work, but Bailey has been on my mind more (if that's possible) today.

I realized this morning, that last night should have been our first birthing class. Now, I can only imagine what it would be like. I will never have a need to go through a birthing class. Any future pregnancies will be repeat c-sections. I don't need for them to tell me what it's going to be like. I've been there, done that, sang that song. Now, I can only imagine...

Tomorrow is our 5 year wedding anniversary. And I had been planning for the last few months to be pregnant and expect to be tired, but would still go out to dinner and movie. I imagined that Bailey would be awake and kicking during the movie. Now, I can only imagine what it would have been like, and experience what it IS like. And it's different.

Today, I imagined what future pregnancies would be like. I know I'll worry, and I'll be scared. But I also think I will be more open. I imagine letting people touch my growing belly next time and not getting frustrated at them. I imagine documenting every little thing that happens. I imagine taking the belly pictures. I imagine living in that moment, and not letting it slip away.

I imagine and plan for all of these things. I didn't let people touch my belly with Bailey. It was too personal and too in my "bubble". Now, I wish I would have let them. I documented different things with my pregnancy with Bailey, but didn't start until around week 9 or 10 because I was so afraid. I didn't take any belly pictures with Bailey because I'm overweight and didn't want to look like the "fat girl" taking a picture of her belly when no one could really tell it was a precious little girl growing in there.

All the plans for next time, but I wish it really was now. But, I can only imagine at this point, what 28 weeks felt like. I can only imagine hearing Bailey's little cry. I can only imagine holding a happy little girl who would come home with me. I can only imagine the firsts. I can only imagine all the hopes and dreams I had for her.

I can only imagine.....

Exhausted

I'm back to working full time, and I am exhausted. Yesterday, my whole body ached by the time I got home. Adam and I went to bed at 8:30 because we were both so tired. Today, I found it hard to focus because I'm so worn out. I still find myself in the evenings getting wound up and finding it hard to sleep. Or only sleeping for a couple of hours before waking up and not sleeping the rest of the night. I find it hard to go to bed without a sleeping pill, for fear that I will not sleep.

Friday marks our 5 year wedding anniversary, and also the 5 week anniversary of Bailey's birth and passing. I keep thinking about the latter the closer and closer the date gets.

I feel so consumed with all the emotions I feel. I have been trying my hardest to think positively and not have negative thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if all the worries and negative thoughts got me to where I am today. Was I so negative and worrisome with my pregnancy that the negative thoughts just took over and consumed everything we worked so hard to get? That's how I feel some days.

Physically and emotionally I am worn out...It's just all so hard.

One month....

It's been one month...one month since we said hello and goodbye. Some days it feels like it has been an eternity since...other days it feels like it was just yesterday.

My niece Desiree just turned one years old...and as we had her birthday party yesterday, all I could think about was that we were about to be passing the one month mark of Bailey's birth and death.

I found myself getting sadder and sadder as I realized we would never get to celebrate any birthdays with Bailey. We will never get to watch her make a mess with a cake or open her first gifts. We will never get to experience the "firsts" with her. The only "firsts" we get are the "first" Mother's Day without our Bailey here with us...the "first" month angelversary...the "first" time to go put flowers on her grave on Memorial Day...the "first" Father's Day without her here...the "first" holidays without her. Not the "firsts" I imagined having...no parent imagines that.

Today, we went to church for the first time in a while. And on the month month anniversary after losing Bailey, something rang out very loud and clear. Part of the sermon was about how we don't get to permanently stay on the mountaintop. Just like how we have to come down off of the mountaintop and can't always stay at the peak...life and faith is the same way. It has its peaks and its valleys. Most of the time we cruise on the flat surface...sometimes we are on the peak, and sometimes we falter and are in the valley. But, when we are in the valley God always finds a way to reach to us and pull us out.

Recently, in what I consider the "valley" in my life with the loss of my daughter, my faith had also hit a "valley". I couldn't understand how God could take away something so precious as my baby...I couldn't understand why he chose her. I was angry. And I'm not going to lie...I'm still angry and don't understand. Deep down, I understood there is a bigger plan, but it wasn't until I sat there today that I realized I was so lost and confused. Then I couldn't help but wonder if all of this happened to get my attention? Was that the purpose? I guess I won't know until it's my time...

But I understand I need to have a little more faith. Faith that everything will work out...faith that someday we will have the "take-home" baby we so desire...faith that Bailey will have a little brother or sister...faith that even though I don't understand the bigger plan to just trust.

I still have a long ways to go...grieving is such a complex process...and during this process I am having to rediscover who I am...but the person who is emerging from this horrible, tragic experience is a strong person...A strong person who finally understood on the one month anniversary of my child's death that even though I am sad, angry, and currently in my life am traveling through a very deep valley with bumpy roads, and a steep hill to climb to get out, but that God will always reach out to offer a loving hand to pull us out...

And I'm on the uphill climb...

Bailey's Tree

In Minnesota, there is a wonderful angel mommy and daddy who unfortunately have experienced the most horrible experience anyone can experience...losing a child. It's the "club" neither of our families (or any family) wanted to join. After the passing of their precious Stevie Joy, they carved her name in a tree, and are now offering to other angel parents to carve their child's name in a tree in the forest behind their home. I came across Kristin's offering to do this on one of the boards we are apart of and requested for Bailey to have a tree.

The tree you see below is Bailey's tree. She will always have a spot in the "Angel Forest".

Kristin - If you read this...I cannot express in words the amount of gratitude I feel for the wonderful thing you and your husband are doing for us angel mommies and daddies. Stevie Joy has an amazing mommy and daddy!

Missing my Bailey

A friend on a birth board I was on, just recently lost her little boy after he was born around 24 weeks. The experience she is going through just absolutely breaks my heart, and takes me back to my surreal day. My heart is hurting...I miss Bailey so much...it's been a few days since the tears have fallen...and today it seems exceptionally hard to make them stop. I want her here...I want her with me...I wish she was still happy and kicking me and hiding from her daddy when he would try to feel. It's not fair and I don't understand. I try, and some days I succeed, but today is not one of those days. So hard.........

Back at Weight Watchers

After 4 months of being away, I joined Weight Watchers again yesterday. I weighed in 10 pounds heavier than the last time I was there, 4 months prior. I stopped going when I hit the 9 week mark with Bailey. I had started gaining a little weight, and knew I couldn't keep it a secret, so I went ahead and told my leader then.

Now...4 months later I'm back. I wasn't supposed to be back this early! This is NOT the way it was supposed to go!

My goal is to lose as much weight as I can in the next 8 weeks...20 pounds would be a nice start...that would put me 10 pounds lighter than what I was when I got pregnant with my precious angel. I will keep going as long as I can and will do the best I can. I want to make my little girl proud...

First Dr.'s Appointment

Today, we had our first Dr.'s appointment of many to come. We met with our RE to discuss what would be next. We discussed what happened, what may have caused my pre-term labor, and what we may be able to do to fix it for next time.

Our RE recommended we do the exact same regimen we did to get pregnant with Bailey. We will also repeat the HSG test in 8 weeks (first cycle to try again) to make sure my septum is not an issue. If it is, we will do another surgery. If it's not, we continue on. He recommended we see a high-risk Dr., which we already had planned on, and have our first consult scheduled for June 9th. Once we are pregnant again, we will have to see the high-risk Dr. throughout the entire pregnancy. This, I am okay with.

I'm starting back to Weight Watchers tomorrow in hopes of losing some more weight prior to getting pregnant again. This helped last time, and I hope it will help again.

All in God's time...all in his hands. We just have to have a little faith.

Find a new "normal"

Any parent who has ever lost a child, will understand that life is NEVER the same after. It's not better, it not necessarily worse, but it is forever changed and different.

It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since our precious Bailey was born and also left this earth for her angel wings. There are good days, and there are bad days. There are days I can smile, I can be happy, and I am okay. And there are days that my heart hurts, it aches, and the pain seems almost unbearable. A piece of me is missing, and it just hurts.

I'm going back to work on Monday, and have to figure out what the new "normal" is going to be. I'm terrified to go back, because I don't know how people will treat me. I don't know if people will be openly comfortable talking about Bailey, the precious baby girl that was taken so quickly from this life...from my life. I don't know if people are going to avoid me, or if they are going treat me differently. I don't want people to pretend it never happened, but I don't want them to treat me like I am fragile and am going to break.

I have so many mixed emotions...it makes it so difficult to know how to feel. I have been angry, I have been sad, I have been frustrated, and I have been hurt.

I know that someday, there will be a new "normal".

We begin Dr.'s appointments to start trying again to have another baby. We want Bailey to have a brother or a sister. We want to be able to share the love we have, the hopes, and the dreams we have for a child. We want the brother or sister to know that Bailey was here, and was our first born and to know about her and her special time on Earth and the special place she holds in our hearts.

Someday...................................................................

A poem for Bailey from her Uncle Daniel

My brother, Daniel, wrote this poem for our precious Bailey.

I never understood feelings of pride
for something that one did not do,
but then I met your cousin Jason
and suddenly I knew.

I've made many choices in life
both good and bad I'm afraid
But I can say that becoming an Uncle
was the best choice I never made

I'd never known that I wanted a niece,
or even a little nephew.
But words can't describe the way that I feel
when I think about Jason, Desi, and You.

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
I want you to know that no matter what
your Uncle Daniel loves you.

I'm so sad that you are gone,
even if you're not far
But I see you in the sunshine
And in the brightest star.

I will probably never have kids of my own
but my life is still pretty swell.
Because anytime that I'm feeling down
I think of Jason, Desi, Bailey, and Danielle.

An angel wrote in the Book of Life
this perfect girl's date of birth
Then whispered as she closed the book
"Too beautiful for Earth".

Bailey's Story

The last time I posted, I found out I was pregnant, and was praying for a sticky baby. And stick she sure did! This pregnancy came with some scares, but everything always ended up being okay. I had cramps at 5 weeks, spotting at 6 weeks, but both times everything looked good! I had unexplained bleeding at 9 weeks, but again, she was moving and kicking and everything looked good! She had great heartrates and every appointment, everything was always fine!

On April 2, 2010, we found out that this baby I was carrying was a girl! We were so excited! We took my parents with us to the ultrasound, and they got to see our little Bailey! Everyone was so excited! With finding out our little one was a girl, we gave her the name Bailey Danae.

Then everything came crashing down early one morning...On April 30, 2010 @ 12:30 a.m., I woke up with cramps. I honestly thought I was having gas. After passing some gas with no relief, I woke Adam @ 1:00 a.m., and told him I was cramping. He immediately got up because we were going to go the ER. Before we left, I decided to go the bathroom. At that point, I saw that I was bleeding. My heart sank and stomach fell. I knew 2nd trimester bleeding was not good.

The hospital is about 30 minutes away...we made it in 20. On the way to the hospital, I figured out that the cramps I was having was actually contractions. They were coming about 5 minutes apart.

When we arrived at the hospital and checked in, we were immediately rushed to Labor & Delivery. The nurses got me in a bed and checked me. They found I was already dilated, but didn't know how far, so they called the on-call Dr. who is part of my Dr.'s medical group. Dr. Waterman was there shortly after 2. She checked me, and found I was completely dilated and my water bag was bulging. They had already tipped me head-down, feet up so my water bag would stay in. At this point, Dr. Waterman told us that we would have to deliver, she just didn't know if we could do a vaginal delivery or if we would have to do a c-section. After doing an ultrasound, they found Bailey to be traverse (side-to-side) so an emergency c-section was all we could do. They asked me how aggressive we wanted to be, because Bailey's chances of survival were only 5-10 percent. I told them whatever it took.

By 3:00, we were in the operating room, and getting prepared to go. I had a spinal block done, and Adam came in, and was with me, and our precious baby girl Bailey Danae Southerland was born at 3:33 a.m. on April 30, 2010. She weighed 1 pound 4.8 ounces and was 12 inches long. Adam could see her, and he could see the monitors, and he told me she was breathing, so we had some hope. While they finished up with me, they took Adam back to the room where I would be staying. I was done with my c-section around 4:15 a.m. They took me to my room. When I reached my room, Adam was there, but shortly after, he was gone. A nurse had come to get him to take him to the NICU.

At the NICU, the Dr. tending to Bailey told Adam she wasn't responding to any medication or any assistance they were giving her. Adam had to make the decision to take her off of the ventilator, and since it wasn't helping, he did. I imagine this will probably be the hardest decision he will ever have had to make. After taking Bailey off of the ventilator, she was gone. She left this beautiful earth to become an angel at 4:27 a.m. on April 30, 2010. She was with us for about an hour.

Adam had to come and tell me (and our parents) the most devastating news I have ever heard in my life. My daughter, my first born, my pride and joy, and a piece of my heart, was gone. I was absolutely crushed.

The NICU team prepared Bailey, and brought her into my room around 5:30 a.m. We got to hold her, take pictures of her, and be with her. She was the most beautiful baby in the entire world. She was tiny, precious, and beautiful, and she is ours. She had my lips, and her daddy's nose.

Services for Bailey were on May 4, 2010. She is forever laid to rest at the foot of my grandmother's grave.

Finally positive!!!

I tested on Thursday night, and for the first time in one year and 3 months since my surgery, I got a BFP!! I'm so excited and can barely stand it! My first blood-draw levels came back at 96.55 beta and over 40 for my progesterone. Hopefully this little one sticks!

Trying to be patient...

I don't think patience is my best quality...in fact I have a lack thereof. I've tried to be patient and not let all of this bother me, but it does, and I get frustrated when month after month it doesn't work. I read into every little symptom, pain, twinge, and cramp. I research hours and hours on end and I think I know just about everything there is to know about the female reproductive system, but yet it's not easy! Why is it so easy for some and not others? I try to be patient. I am a week away from my test date for this cycle, and I try not to think about it. I do a fairly good job when I am at work, but the times I am alone, it's harder than when I am occupied. I keep on believing there is a plan and someday this will happen, but as all do, I sometimes stumble.